Tuesday, March 9, 2010

"Oh look it's that damn Helen Mirren"

"umm...that's dame Helen Mirren"

Welcome to the Academy Awards everyone! Weren't Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin so funny? I really liked them and wish they were on more than everyone else.

I had an Oscar party extraordinaire! The party consisted of very fancy hours devours and very fancy important guests.

Fancy hours'devours include: bagel bites, taquitos, chicken nuggets (shaped like dinosaurs of course)
Fancy guests include: my family

Now I will move on to the awards section. My awards that is. My awards that I give out to all the people who decided to go to the Academy Awards and wear pretty (or not so much) dresses...

My favorite dress award: Elizabeth Banks- I really like this dress and I'm a sucker for gray


The "Wow you are one sexy old guy" award: Jeff Bridges- he is adorable and so deserving of his Best Actor win. Plus his wife is really beautiful.


Best use of an obnoxious ruffle: Jennifer Lopez- I know it may not be everyone's cup of tea but I actually like it. You are supposed to go big at the Oscars.


Worst use of an obnoxious ruffle: That chick from "Up in the Air"- Stop that.



The "Your dress reminds me of one of those airbrushed T-shirts you get a Sea World" award: Maggie Gyllenhaal- I do not like.

The "Hottest Couple" award: Matt Damon and his wife- gorgeous

The "It doesn't matter what you wear because I will still have a lesbian crush on you" award: It's a tie between Kate Winslet and Rachel McAdams. I'm obsessed with both of them.


The "Most boring" award: Kristen Stewart- put on some jewelry at least you awkward-on-purpose annoying girl.

The "Why are you wearing a dress designed by a blind person" award: Diane Kruger


The "You look pretty" award: Anna Kendryick- you look pretty



The "I think this dress needs just one more thing" award: Charlize Theron- It just needed the rose boobs didn't it? Of course it did (not)

The "Hi I'm Gerard Butler" award: Gerard Butler- what are you always smirking about? You're thinking of me aren't you. I know.

The "Worst use of a pillowcase" award: Sarah Jessica Parker- I just hated everything about this. What is going on here?


The "Classy Lady" award: Meryl Streep- she is Meryl effin Streep for crying out loud. She can wear whatever she wants and you can all shut your mouths.


The "One Hot Mama" award: Queen Latifah- my family jokes that she is my real mother. Well...at least I know where I got my good looks. She is stunning.

The "Oh my gosh is that Lenny Kravitz?!" award: Lenny Kravitz- where ya been buddy?


The "Best Bowtie" award: Robert Downey Jr.- I guess no one told him the Oscars weren't in 3D?


The "What in the eff are you doing here?!" award: Miley Cyrus- seriously what the eff are you doing here? Where are your parents? Aren't you 16?! Put your boobs away and stop trying to look so whore-tastic.

The "Best Chiquita banana lady impression" award: Demi Moore- I still thought she look BEAUTIFUL


The "Best impression of the guy I'm going to marry" award: Ben Stiller- I think Avatars are hot. Way to go Ben.


The "You're the reason the D.A.R.E program exists in schools" award: Kathy Ireland- she was a HOT MESS if I ever saw one. Clearly she had a little too much fun with the bar in the limo.


The "You'd make a really cute couple if you weren't brother and sister" award: Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal. And Jake...call me.


the "Best use of a sequin jacket" award: Neil Patrick Harris- who is the only man who would wear a sequin jacket.


The "Somewhere the fabric that dress was made out of is weeping" award: Zoe Saldana- Looking at this dress from top to bottom my thoughts were as follows: Yay sparkles. Hmm weird waist. Oh it's purple. Holy mother of - what is going on.


The "Practically perfect in every way" award: Sandra Bullock- who also won a very well deserved Best Actress award. And her speech was wonderful.


I of course wore this:

But you already knew that didn't you?


Other highlights for me included:
-The tribute to John Hughes. He was an amazing director and his movies are timeless. Plus seeing Ally Sheedy, Judd Nelson, Farmer Ted, Molly Ringwald, and Ferris Bueller all on one stage was priceless.

- Did I mention how hilarious I thought Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin were? They should host every year

- A woman finally winning Best Director. Solidarity sister!

Downfalls for me included:
- That OBNOXIOUS ginger lady who decided to interrupt that black guy's speech. She was crazy. And obviously heavily medicated. They should have security at the stairs.

- The creeper sitting behind Helen Mirren. OMG. Every time they cut to her he was hard core creeping. Please tell me someone else saw him????

- Farrah Fawcett not being included in the Memorium segment. I mean have the Academy even seen "The Burning Bed" ??? She definitely should have been included.


Any of you guys watch? What did you think???

1 comment:

Jen said...

ok - lots to say
*j.lo - love
*mags gyllenhall, please return that dress to the proper sea world gift shop. you were spot on!
*i heart rach mcadams AND kate winslet too! obviously, why we are such perfect friends!! rach wins for best dress in my opinion, fantasticness!
*agree with the vampy-awkwardness
*did someone not tell charlize that those things were right over her boobs? i thought that's why they had personal assistants? YOU'RE FIRED!
*a+ assessment of the zoe dress. think she's great, but that doesn't mean you can wear that.
*sandra bullock earned major brownie points by marrying jesse james. she could show up in mowing sneakers and a dress made of trash for all i care.
*ben stiller totally cracked me up. what was with all the rando avitar noises!? they just kept going hahaha. i never get tired of him.

ps. amazing loretta lynn song! totally great. your whole blog-soundtrack is amazing.

xo jen

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