Monday, January 31, 2011


1. Rilo Kiley- Silver Lining
2. OneRepublic- Secrets
3. Mumford & Sons-Timshel
4. Iron & Wine- Love and Some Verses
5. Hellogoodbye- Betrayed By Bones
6. CeeLo Green- Bright Lights, Bigger City
7. John Mellencamp- Jack and Diane
8. Josh Ritter- The Curse
9. Margot & The Nuclear So &So's- Will You Love Me Forever?
10. The Black Keys- Howlin For You
11. The Ready Set- Love Like Woe
12. Plain White T's- Rhythm of Love
13. Oasis- Wonderwall
14. Garret Hedlund & Leighton Meester- Give In To Me
15. The Civil Wars- Poison & Wine

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Pinky Promise

Once the absolute craziness of work dies down a little bit I pinky swear that you will have the following updates

1. 2 count them TWO Bachelor updates
2. A sad and terrible account of my night of inventory at work and the disasters that ensued (get the Kleenex out for this one.  It's practically a Nicolas Sparks novel.  Without the cancer, hurricane, or man who loves me.)  Note to my mom readers: You can send a box of Kleenex to a friend at www.kleenex.com.  Maybe y'all should band together and send each other boxes!  Yes? No? Yes?
3. A recount of the 11 days in which I was single parent.  And how grateful my siblings were when my negligent reign was over (shout out to CPS!  You're good people.)
4. A list of reasons why I should be President  (such as 1. Glee kids would sing at every major meeting)
5. The reason to why I sleep with a crowbar next to my bed.

That's all for now.  I have to get some sleep.  I wish going to bed early felt as good as sleeping in.  Just to let you know.....(especially if you or your family lives in the Provo area) I am doing pre-orders for our Spring gift with purchase through the weekend!  It's SO CUTE!  It's a 6 piece free gift with any purchase of $32.50 or more plus I always add in a few extra goodies for friends/family.  Comment if I can hook you up!  (I will ship to you as well if you need me to!.....and I work for Lancome.  You should probably know that.  Check out some of their cute new stuff for spring on the website and then let me know!)

I would also like to point out that I don't remember a time when I put on a jacket and didn't find a Tylenol PM in the pocket.  Guys, I dare you not to marry me.

xoxo,
Gossip Girl
Vanessa

P.S. And just because I have a firm belief that every post should have a picture....here is what you get when you type "pig with boots" into Google.  You're welcome.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Golden Globes yet again.....

It's Golden Globes time again!!! I know it's been an entire week without a fashion update from the Golden Globes but....I've been
watching Jersey Shore
drinking Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper
creating montages to Tom Brady
playing Angry Birds
busy.
But look no further because as the champagne was flowing and the long weird speeches were flying....I was giving out my own awards.  The fashion awards.  So let's get started shall we?

The ugliest use of a rose to hide a pregnancy award:

Natalie Portman.  
That rose was incredibly distracting and not in a good way.  Plus all the red accessories were too over the top.

The "Hey Sandra Bullock I like your dress but I hate your bangs" award: 

Sandra Bullock
The hair and the dress do not work together. And you look like a depressed emo girl. Remember the good times Sandy.

The "Look at us we all wore emerald green!" award:

Catherine Zeta Jones

Elizabeth Moss

Angelina Jolie

Mila Kunis

The "Oh I didn't know that they actually invited non-actors to the Golden Globes" award: 

Megan Fox
Like really....why are you there?  Shouldn't you be tattooing something?

The "Hey aren't you that girl from Cheaper By the Dozen Parts 1 and 2?" award:

Piper Perabo
Even though you were trying to distract us from that fact with that decent looking dress and classy high ponytail....I will never forget.

The "too much excitement" award:

Jennifer Love Hewitt
Woah.  Just...too much something....it's too Mermaid meets "bump-it" meets high school prom for me.

The "I'm going to the beach in my beach frock" award:
Heidi Klum
Really Heidi?  I know you can do better than that.  And where's Seal?  Oh he's singing to Natalie Portman's dress?  That makes sense.

The best use of the decor at Ceasar's Palace award:

January Jones
I actually kind of liked it. 

The "Why do you look like Jesus" award:

Christian Bale
Seriously?  Remember when you were a Newsie?  I do.  I liked you better then. 

The Most Glamorous "Sister-Wife" award: 

Leighton Meester

The "stop seducing me with your eyes Matt Bomer" award:

Matt Bomer
I love you.

The best dressed at her quinceanera award: 

Jennifer Lopez
What is that sheer shawl thing you have going on there?  And why is your make up all white like mine was in 1998?

The you guys look pretty but it's nothing special award:

Carrie Underwood

Dianna Agron

The I couldn't find a dress to fit my cup-size award:

Christina Aguilera
Like....really?  Ok.  But....really?

The remember how you aren't Catwoman anymore award:

Halle Berry
Give it up!  You are NOT Catwoman anymore!!!!

The Bride of Frankenstein award:

Scarlett Johanssen

Yeah you see it now too don't you?

The it doesn't matter what you wear I'll always love you award:

Helena Bonham Carter
You are insane but I love you.  And the 2 different colored shoes....it's just brilliant in a totally crazy way. 

The best update of Molly Ringwald's dress in Pretty in Pink award:

Lea Michele

The pretty pretty princess award:

Olivia Wilde
The dress is fabulous but couldn't we have pulled back the hair?  You look like you're playing dress up.

And now we interrupt your regularly scheduled blog viewing for another Jon Hamm at an awards show moment....
 Ahh...that's better.  

Let's move on.  I'm starting to feel a bit warm.  But first....watch this video.  Greatest thing Jon Hamm has ever done (besides love me).  I could watch it a thousand times and I have.

The What the Eff award:

Julianne Moore
The sleeve thing, the necklace, the tassel clutch....just...what the eff?

The "He loves me, he loves me not" award:
Michelle Williams
Note to Michelle: Valentino hates your guts.

And for my favorites.....
 Emma Stone
Classy and simple (unfortunate that her fake tan matches the dress....was she hanging out with Snooki?)

 I don't even recall your name but I really like your dress obscure girl

 Amy Adams
Just beautiful

 Anne Hathaway
Fabulous.  She looked like a movie STAR.  Probably my favorite.

Eva Longoria
I die for that beautiful silhouette.  It's perfection.

I of course wore this


Anyone else watch?  What did you think?

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Dear NFL Quarterbacks (with a note to Tom Brady)

Dear Aaron Rodgers,
Remember that dream I had about you that one time....yeah you know the one.  Let's not let it be for nothing
.

Dear Mark Sanchez,
Even though you ruined my life....you made up for it by ruining Tom Brady's.  You are on the fast track to me having a dream about you too....if that's any incentive for you.


Dear Jay Cutler,
Tom Brady and I were talking and we decided a few things:
1. You are ugly
2. You are a tool
3. We hope you cry when you lose
And when Tom Brady and I are agreeing on things....you know it's bad.



Dear Ben Roethlisberger,
Your name is long and dumb and so is your face.  Also choosing between you and Tom Brady for who I like least would be like trying to chose which way I want to die.


Dear Tom Brady,
Are you going to miss me?  Remember when you lost last week?  That was fun.  In honor of what may be my last letter to you for awhile, I have created a montage of all my favorite pictures of you.

video

I never said it would be easy.  I just said it would be worth it.
And I certainly didn't say this was the last you'd hear from me. 
xoxo,
Vanessa

Friday, January 21, 2011

When Parents Text

New favorite website.  When parents text.  Tagline: small keyboard, old hands.  Some of my favorites:




I'm thinking I'll just randomly pop one of these into the blog every now and then. Just to spice things up. I may even include one of my mothers. Sure not to disappoint.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The worst 30th birthday of my life

Welcome to Week 2 of the Bachelor everyone!  Our journey is only beginning and yet I feel completely emotionally exhausted mostly because

"So...today is my 30th birthday and I can't think of a better present than to get that one on one date with Brad"

Oh sorry that was Michelle reminding us that it is her 30th birthday....so what was I saying?  Oh yeah....I'm emotionally exhausted mostly because these girls are


"It's not my 29th birthday, it's not my 31st birthday...but my thirtieth birthday...."

Umm...yeah Michelle...you mentioned that.  So anyway....every time I think that I'm fully prepared for this show someone just

"Did you know that it is my 30th birthday?  I can't believe that I'll be spending my 30th birthday on a group date with all these other girls....I mean....this birthday is going to suck.  My birthday.  It's today.  I'm 30."

Ok Michelle we get it....it's your freaking birthday but you're totally jumping ahead here!  I hadn't even mentioned that it was date card time yet!  Anyway...no use beating around the bush now.  Cat is kinda out of the bag so to speak....yes it was date card time this week and the presence of Chris Harrison with the first date card brought about the same reaction as Oprah's favorite things.  If Oprah was a man and her audience was filled with middle aged women wanting desperately to be loved by someone.....so.....yeah exactly like Oprah's favorite things show.
The first one on one date went to our resident dentist.
She flossed for 4 hours before her date.  I don't know if you know this but oral health is really important to her.

You might be surprised by this information but Michelle was really upset that she didn't get the one on one date with Brad.  I mean....it was her birthday after all.  Her 30th birthday can you believe it?!

So Brad comes to pick up Dentist Ashley.  They drive in a car into the woods.  It's dark and there is some fog and they're headed down a long flight of stairs.  Ashley keeps asking where they are going and Brad answers..."to hell.....".  Ok he didn't but he should have.  Especially when you find out where they went.  So they continue in the dark and Brad is holding a lantern (yeah I'm serious) and they stop at this big switch.  Brad tells her to close her eyes and flip the switch so she does and then......horror.
Side note to all the girls out there: If you're on a date and it's dark and you're in a secluded area and you hear carnival music.  Run.  Run as fast as you can and don't look back.
And that's exactly what it was.  A carnival in the woods.  Clown faces and all.  It is literally my idea of hell on earth.  Ashley's brain, like all contestants on The Bachelor, was chemically altered at the time of her arrival so she thought the horror movie date was just wonderful.  They laughed, ran around, and played carnival games.


Little did they know....in the forest watching them the whole times was Chris Harrison and his league of carnys just waiting for their revenge......wah ha ha ha ha.  Ok fine not really but....it could have happened.
They then go from eating cotton candy to eating each other's faces which is just sooo romantic.  They sit down for dinner which did not involve meat on a stick or any kind of funnel cake so really...what was the point of this date again???  They have their "serious" conversation and Ashley reveals her dad was never around and he's homeless somewhere (I'm convinced he's that homeless guy they discovered who has an awesome radio voice) and how she felt abandoned by him.  Wow what a coincidence because Brad's dad was never around either!  Ah it's a match made in dysfunctional family heaven!  I'm feeling the love.
Finally they finish their date after a lot of making out and a lot of hand talking from the dentist.  It made me wish she had baby hands.  But that's a story for another day.  Brad gave her the rose at the end of the date.


Next up on the list was a group date.  Did Michelle mention that she was on this date?  Did she mention that it was her 30th birthday?  Did she mention she was really upset that she had to go on a group date ON HER 30TH BIRTHDAY!?  I mean....is there NO justice in the world?  She really drove her point home when she stated in her best sarcastic tone..."happy freaking birthday..." which is weird because that's what the card all the other girls in the house got her said.

The group decided that to counteract all the venereal diseases they would inevitably be contributing to the community...they would donate blood and make PSA's for donating blood.  Madison was on this date as well which concerned me only because I suspect she actually drinks blood and I view this as a conflict of interest.


"This is especially annoying because it is my 30th birthday"

Yeah....I know this is sounding repetitive....imagine how watching it was....

Then Brad came out dressed up like the guy who tried to sell me homemade tamales in the grocery store parking lot and named himself Gustavo.


Michelle started channeling the uni-bomber from Jake's season (also named Michelle....way to break the cycle Bachelor casting agents) and mentioned how Brad should love only her, she deserves him, there would be fireworks when they kissed and how she wanted to peel all of Brad's layers....I suspect with a carving knife.
She ended up getting the rose anyway because I don't know if you knew this but....it was her birthday.  Her freaking 30th birthday for the love of all that is Bachelor!


Next one on one date went to Jackie who up until that point...I didn't even know existed.
They had a "spa day" which turned into a scene from "Pretty Woman" you know except with the whole prostitution thing....on second thought....no wait...that's going too far.  I don't even need to be served with a slander lawsuit so let's just say the Bachelor is in "no way" associated with prostitution even though the exchange of dates for fame is eerily similar to physical acts for money.  But ya know....I'm not a lawyer nor do I play one on TV (although I'd be excellent at it)
Moving on....they go to the Hollywood Bowl amphitheater and the whole time I'm praying with all my heart that Seal is there to serenade us with "Kiss From a Rose".  Brad tells Jackie that the fact she's only had 2 serious boyfriends scares him but he gives the rose anyway.


Here is where it gets confusing.  He then says there's one more thing and presents the band Train.
First of all....screw you Train!  Where is Seal!?  Second of all what would have happened if he didn't give her the rose?  "I'm not giving you a rose because I am in no way attracted to you but....here's the band Train!"
The lead singer (and his hair) tried so hard to be Seal but.....c'mon you look NOTHING like Seal!  Seal is bald!


Brad made out with Jackie as well....and I suspect the lead singer of Train.  Just because.
I would like to break for a moment just to say....I think Brad is dreamy.  I have feelings for him.  They are intense and they are real.
Let's forget I just said that because I'm starting to sound like one of "those" girls.  But really...Brad if it doesn't work out...call me.
Manscaper and the man got into a fight.  The man who calls "herself" Melissa started crying..a lot, and the manscaper claimed that Jesus wanted her there so she'd stay.  I don't think Jesus watches The Bachelor to be honest.  I think it makes Him sad.  Mel issa decides to really turn up the sex appeal by announcing to Brad that not only did she have onions on her pizza but she had 4 slices.  Well they always did say a way to a man's heart is through his stomach.  Get it...because she's a man?!  .........yeah.
Ali and Roberto showed up and because they are such experts at love....got to pick who was the most genuine of the bunch which is total crap but because they chose Emily I was totally on board.


We then endured another Rose Ceremony....and apparently this season they've decided to use the same theme music to "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire" which is both ironic and sad.  Also it creates in me an urge  to say "yes I'd like to phone a friend" every time because I am just so hilarious and witty.
In the end both the man and the man-scaper went home....which brought a sort of harmony to the earth.


 As well as our hot mess Keltie who said before her departure "The Bachelor was my last ditch effort at love.  I guess I'm just meant to be alone....I've tried everything including dating people at work which is just never a good idea".
First: Last ditch effort?  That's just sad.
Second: You are a Radio City Rockette....don't you work with all women?  I think you have a different kind of problem.

Brad and I are both exhausted after that episode.  Stay tuned for the next one where hopefully it won't still be Michelle's birthday.
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