So does everyone remember when there was a guy on The Bachelor and he made a smart decision and knew that nobody was right for him so he picked neither and instead of saying how commendable it was that he would make an informed decision on the rest of his life, America called him a douche and publicly lynched him and I'm pretty sure pitchforks and torches were involved in some way or another (in my mind when America is mad we revert back to the 16th century)?
Well Brad is back.
wiley temptress who was named after a sausage and has cross eyes.
Spoiler alert: It doesn't work out.
Nevertheless you can't blame a guy for trying to find love. You can however blame him for putting himself through emotional torture (twice). This will be a fun season.
Brad has a lot of mommy/daddy issues. Brad is speaking of all his emotional trauma and I know he's talking but all I can hear is: "I stand on a bridge and over look the water without my shirt on, I walk through the grass without my shirt on, I sit on a bench and think without my shirt on"....and of course we got the Bachelor standard shower scene. Thanks ABC.
We also learned that Brad has been going to therapy which his therapist is super happy about because it meant he got some screen time. Shout out to Brad's therapist Dr. What's his name. You were so memorable buddy.
And then.....we got introduced to the crazies. The first girl chose to walk through a field lightly brushing her hands against weeds and talking about how she sees dead people for her opening shot....ok so she's a funeral director but still....not the first impression you want to leave.
We met a girl who is way too overzealous about oral health. Yeah she's a dentist but....really? My gums are just fine thank you.
We met Chantel who may or may not be an alcoholic and after her appearance on The Bachelor will be on the Animal Planet show "Pet Hoarders". I'm thinking she may be the new monkey baby.....only time will tell.
We also have Michelle who will be playing the role of crazy single mom this season. Also she's from Salt Lake City...way to represent. She will most likely be my Rozlyn of the season. Only time will tell.
Then we met Madison who is the leader of the underground vampire world. That's all I think I really need to say about that.
*just a side note: the word "soul-searching" has been used at least 23 times up to this point.
Now Brad meets his harem. The first words out of most of the girls mouths is "I watched your season"...good for you. Note to Brad: these are all the girls you should cut first. What they most likely mean is "I tried out for your first season and was rejected and then I tried out for Jason and Jake's seasons and I'm really glad I finally passed the psych evaluation this time".
He met the funeral director and she mentioned how she wanted to harvest Brad's organs and how good he would look embalmed. She didn't actually say it but her eyes did.
Then we endured some violent behavior when a contestant slapped Brad across the face.
He also met the dentist and complimented her on her lack of plaque. Ha yeah right.
He met a teacher who I think is also certifiable (note to elementary/jr. high/high school teachers: you NEVER win. You are too homely or crazy and the guy will always choose the model/pharmaceutical rep. who is "searching for herself". Just stop. Especially if you teach jr. high or high school because those kids are old enough to make fun of you).
He then met our ruler of the underworld aka Madison who has fang teeth and the look on his face said "hey...I just met a dentist who may be able to help you with that...."
We met a girl who made a pinky swear (I died a little inside), Britnee aka "Bump-It", a girl from Kansas, dressed like Dorothy, who said she wanted to take Brad home to meet her
We had a cocktail party where Renee aka "crazy eyes" kept trying to spend time with Brad and every single time someone came up and stole him from her (I have a feeling she was also picked last in kickball as a kid) Ashley S. aka Tenley's little sister (they SO look like twins right?!) received the first impression rose (as did Tenley back in the day so....I suspect nepotism)
He eliminated a bunch of people nobody will remember (until they become the next Bachelorette) and there were some tears (note to the girls crying: Brad knows a really great therapist. Dr. Whats his name. Ah...see what I did there?)
In the previews for the weeks to come we catch a glimpse of Seal singing "Kiss From a Rose" (click on that link....do it...you will be transported straight back to the land of obscure Batman movies no one remembers)
My thoughts on this:
1. I'm really glad because I didn't know what I was going to do without Jeffrey Osbourne's "On the Wings of Love". I desperately needed theme music.
2. I'm glad Seal is doing something again.
3. Kiss From a Rose....get it....because...there are roses.
Stay tuned for Week 2. I haven't watched it yet but....it's bound to be amazing.
Oh! And I forgot to mention how Emily is my favorite. She's sweet and Southern, has a daughter, is mature and beautiful and awesome.
I leave you now with this image of Brad soul searching....without his shirt (maybe that's what he's soul searching for....ya think?)
Who were your favorites? Any thoughts?