On The Wings of Love...get me out of here!

Is it possible for television to crush your soul? Probably not but it sure felt like it while watching the season premiere of The Bachelor: On The Wings of Love (seriously...they are really calling it that). Granted the show has never really been feel-good reality television (these girls have serious self confidence issues) but watching uni bomber Michelle announce that "where I am in life right now I deserve Jake. I want a husband and I need this" I felt emotionally dead inside.

You knew this was going to be great when we heard Christina announce that she's "a little bitchy"...in girl language that means: I will take out all my feelings of self loathing and low self esteem on any one of you who thinks you even have the slightest chance with Jake. Let's just be honest.

I hoped against all indicators that these chicks would keep it together when Jake chose to send 10 of them home however I counted 4 of the 10 crying upon their exit.

Can I just remind you that you JUST MET HIM??? And may I suggest that instead of wasting money on airfare to fly to L.A. you instead get in your car and drive to the nearest licensed therapist?

And let's just talk about Vienna for a moment speaking of emotional homicide...the following is a direct quote from the 23 year old
"I am definitely a daddy's girl he buys me things all the time. Right now I just have my baby (referring to the toy size "dog" sitting on her lap begging to be rescued...of course) but you never know I just might be bringing her home a daddy!"

Hello pencil...meet eyeball and repeat at least 60 times until I get the feeling back in my major extremities.

I'm also calling it right now that the single mom and the 29 year old nanny (seriously...get a real job!) are certifiable.
I'm pretty sure that crazy mom may also have a monkey baby...anyone else with me?

And here's my version of "The Bachelor" by the numbers:

# of times the word "Amazing" was used: 3
# of times the word "Nervous" was used: 15
but both were topped but the word "Excited" with 23 times used

# of times Jake was shown shirtless: 6
# of times water was shown dripping down his "perfect abs": 3

# of "professional" models on the show: 5

# of times either Chris Harrison or one of the girls made some "witty" pun that involved Jake being a pilot: 26 (milk it for all it's worth kids)

Throw in 2 girls falling, a sociopath dressed up like a flight attendant, and an impromptu game of pageant gown football and you've got yourself a show.

Jake gave the first impression rose to Tenley who is so emotionally damaged its sad to think that her family even enabled this self mutilating behavior.

To wrap it up I have a little award ceremony for ya'll to enjoy:

Best Dress: Ali

Worst Dress: Alexa (seriously between the Madonna-style lace gloves of the see through material that clearly was a negligee in a former life...it was hideous).

Most Crazy: Michelle. Hands down. (she cried 3 times all by her self just FYI)

Psycho Biatch: Christina

Most Tipsy: Jessie (how many glasses of champagne did you drink in the limo drunky?)

Most Fake: Gia

And I'm sure you heard about the whole scandal how one of the producers and one of the contestants has an illicit affair???
My bet on the one who strays from Jake is....Gia or Vienna

My current favorite by far is Ali. She's way cute and down to earth.

So now I want to hear from you!!! Favorites? I know it's hard to find one in this bunch. Will you back for episode 2 of the most dramatic season of The Bachelor EVER???

For those of you whose answer may be no how about checking out the brand new dating show that is sure to lead people to their soul mate....

Conveyor Belt of Love

No I'm not joking.

*As a side note special thanks goes to my friend Jen who not only contributed great amounts of witty commentary via text message while watching The Bachelor (together from different states) but is also one of my greatest friends. :)