"i just really felt a connection"

can you guess what we might be talking about today?

yes. The Bachelor. sigh. this show is wearing me out!

the numbers are dwindling though. just close your eyes vanessa it will all be over soon.

deep breath.

ok.

ready.

As usual we start with individual dates and the first one went to Vienna.

poor poor immature Vienna. The went bungee jumping and Vienna felt " a very strong connection" to Jake.
He gave her a rose that would assure her safety at rose ceremony and the girls were none too pleased.

Especially this poster child for emotional stability...Michelle.

Who said "I view myself as very attractive and Vienna is the opposite of everything I am on the outside". Wow do ya hear that Vienna? I think it's the bus coming to roll right over you.
Don't worry she wasn't the only passenger on that bus. Pretty much every girl in the house has a lot of feelings about Vienna.

Back to their date though I thought it was funny that Vienna is like supposedly terrified of heights and so is Jake and Jake said after their date "I'm glad we could go through something that scares us together because I know that her feelings are genuine and we can get through it together".
I was waiting for him to make some girl walk on glass shards. "Walk girl! I won't know you love me until you bleed for me!"
Maybe not.
Back at the house Vienna undergoes some harsh words from the other girls. She goes to apologize to the girls for her behavior and it reminded me of the apology Gretchen gave in "Mean Girls" when she says...
"I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me... but I can't help it that I'm popular."
Oh Vienna please go home soon.

The group date went to a comedy club. Michelle was included in this group and was pretty much pouty the entire time until she got up to give her comedic routine and she really livened the place up! (not) she actually got booed off stage. surprised? I find her about as funny as finding your pet rabbit boiling on your stove...so not surprised.

During the date Kathryn (who I also like)

got Jake to kiss her which provoked these romantic words from Michelle...
"When Jake and I kiss it will be long and passionate soft crazy tongue in your mouth crazy lip pulling hair whatever you know....ripping the clothes off. I have some things up my sleeve to get his attention".
Well you got the crazy part right. And I'm starting to think those "things" up your sleeve are Roofies.

And just FYI NONE of the girls were very funny. Which is interesting because I can think of about 7 hilarious things about your situation.

Like this one...
"Knock knock"
"Who's There?"
"Orange"
"Orange who?"
"Orange you glad that girl didn't come back with a rose?"

or my sisters...
"What do you call one piece of meat and 25 hyenas?"
"THE BACHELOR"

Thank you. We're currently setting up dates for our tour.
Moving on...
back to Michelle. She just was such a mess this episode I don't even know where to go next. How about this statement she made
" I really want to get married and give my mom another grandbaby. It's my turn."
As Elizabeth states..."that girl doesn't need a husband. But I think she needs a therapist".
She starts yet another one-on-one with Jake by informing him that she's been crying, this time because she's the only one who's truly there for love. ''I really, really, really want a husband,'' she tells Jake, who responds in his best talk-the-jumper-off-the-ledge tone: ''I believe you.'' It only gets worse from there, as Michelle veers from weepy to demanding within seconds. Then... ''Would it be awkward if I asked if I could kiss you to see if I really feel something, for me?'' Jake spends six long, silent seconds desperately trying to come up with a reason to decline before giving up and reluctantly leaning in.
Michelle demands that he give her ''something more than that,'' and something inside of him snaps: ''I'm almost ready for this night to be over,'' he tells her. ''I just want to go home.'' She interrupts him with an ultimatum — ''I can't stay.... If you want me to stay I will stay, but...'' — and that's about all it takes for the Bachelor to grow a pair: ''Michelle, I think it would be better if you did leave.''
The heavens parted and I heard the "Hallelujah chorus.
He called your bluff sister! Peace out and enjoy your ride on the crazy train!

Monkey Baby

went on a trip to Sea World with Jake. She's a nice enough girl with just a dash of crazy like when she compared waiting for a date with Jake to "waiting for your groom on your wedding day"
Or how I can see her photo shopping Jakes head into all her family portraits. Or when she exclaims she LOVES dolphins and all I could picture was TLC's new show "My Dolphin Baby".
All that aside I just in the end feel no chemistry between them but she of course feels a "strong connection" to him.

At the rose ceremony "old fashioned girl with good morals" Elizabeth

goes up to Jake and asks if he is good at back rubs.
It cuts to Jake talking to the cameras alone where he says "I feel like Elizabeth is a contradiction. She doesn't want me to kiss her but physically she is all over me". He calls her out on it...she (weakly) defends herself and in the end he sent her packing.

I know a lot of these girls are starting to come up with strategies for how to win Jake's heart. Some choose overt sexuality, some earnest, some aloof....however if you're this girl your strategy may be...
obscurity.

Who are you?
Apparently her name is Valishia and I had NO recollection of her at all. Maybe that's why you went home. Or did you just get there? Who are you again?

Anyway...next week is supposed to be the "most dramatic Bachelor episode ever" which we've only had 10 times since season 2. Thanks Chris Harrison.

I'd like to leave you with some jokes that Jake told at the comedy club...
"You know you're the Bachelor when every girl you ask out says yes"
"You know you're the Bachelor when you spend more time in a hot tub than anywhere else"
"You know you're the Bachelor when the only other man you see for weeks is Chris Harrison"
Aww....funny Jake.

Thoughts???