I like to think it's just because I'm such a passionate person and I feel emotions so deeply but really I think it's also because I can be stubborn...and obviously my feelings are always right. Growing up, because of the bullying I experienced as a kid, my feelings were invalidated. I was basically told by other people's actions that my feelings didn't matter. As I've grown up and developed a voice I have become fiercely defensive of my feelings. I want to make sure that my feelings are validated. I don't think there's anything wrong with that but I have learned that instead of jumping to reaction...I need to sit with my emotions for a little while. Like a stain you need to soak....otherwise instead of solving the problem...you end up making it worse.
So then the word forgiveness comes to mind.
I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately.
It's easy to look at a situation and see that someone has wronged you, place blame, and then become the "bigger person" by forgiving them. We've all done it. However...usually we deserve some of the blame and in my experience...the gift of forgiveness ends up being for us. By forgiving others we forgive ourselves. This is a big lesson I've learned in my life but have found a hard time putting it to action. I used to think forgiveness is magnanimous but really....it's required.
There is a song called "For Blue Skies" by a band Strays Don't Sleep. Matthew Ryan is the leader of this band and he is a poet. A guy who uses lyrics and melody like others use words on a page. To deal with it all. The heal something inside. Sometimes...just to tell a story. The phrase repeated the most in this song is
"I forgive you"
A refrain so simple and gentle and at the same time so powerful and inspiring. For you and your world. For me and mine. "I forgive you". Add a few solitary piano keys and it becomes heartbreaking. "I forgive you". Words we've all needed to hear.
I believe strongly that forgiveness is circular...not linear. It does not begin and end. It is a constant and it's affects are continual. Forgive someone, heal them, heal yourself. Rinse and Repeat.
So many of life lessons we learn as children are basic. Say "sorry" and forgive. As we get older situations become more complicated and heartbreak becomes deeper...and it becomes time to change the way we see those lessons. I'm still learning. And while I am...please forgive me.