"So...today is my 30th birthday and I can't think of a better present than to get that one on one date with Brad"
Oh sorry that was Michelle reminding us that it is her 30th birthday....so what was I saying? Oh yeah....I'm emotionally exhausted mostly because these girls are
"It's not my 29th birthday, it's not my 31st birthday...but my thirtieth birthday...."
Umm...yeah Michelle...you mentioned that. So anyway....every time I think that I'm fully prepared for this show someone just
"Did you know that it is my 30th birthday? I can't believe that I'll be spending my 30th birthday on a group date with all these other girls....I mean....this birthday is going to suck. My birthday. It's today. I'm 30."
Ok Michelle we get it....it's your freaking birthday but you're totally jumping ahead here! I hadn't even mentioned that it was date card time yet! Anyway...no use beating around the bush now. Cat is kinda out of the bag so to speak....yes it was date card time this week and the presence of Chris Harrison with the first date card brought about the same reaction as Oprah's favorite things. If Oprah was a man and her audience was filled with middle aged women wanting desperately to be loved by someone.....so.....yeah exactly like Oprah's favorite things show.
The first one on one date went to our resident dentist.
She flossed for 4 hours before her date. I don't know if you know this but oral health is really important to her.
You might be surprised by this information but Michelle was really upset that she didn't get the one on one date with Brad. I mean....it was her birthday after all. Her 30th birthday can you believe it?!
So Brad comes to pick up Dentist Ashley. They drive in a car into the woods. It's dark and there is some fog and they're headed down a long flight of stairs. Ashley keeps asking where they are going and Brad answers..."to hell.....". Ok he didn't but he should have. Especially when you find out where they went. So they continue in the dark and Brad is holding a lantern (yeah I'm serious) and they stop at this big switch. Brad tells her to close her eyes and flip the switch so she does and then......horror.
Side note to all the girls out there: If you're on a date and it's dark and you're in a secluded area and you hear carnival music. Run. Run as fast as you can and don't look back.
And that's exactly what it was. A carnival in the woods. Clown faces and all. It is literally my idea of hell on earth. Ashley's brain, like all contestants on The Bachelor, was chemically altered at the time of her arrival so she thought the horror movie date was just wonderful. They laughed, ran around, and played carnival games.
Little did they know....in the forest watching them the whole times was Chris Harrison and his league of carnys just waiting for their revenge......wah ha ha ha ha. Ok fine not really but....it could have happened.
They then go from eating cotton candy to eating each other's faces which is just sooo romantic. They sit down for dinner which did not involve meat on a stick or any kind of funnel cake so really...what was the point of this date again??? They have their "serious" conversation and Ashley reveals her dad was never around and he's homeless somewhere (I'm convinced he's that homeless guy they discovered who has an awesome radio voice) and how she felt abandoned by him. Wow what a coincidence because Brad's dad was never around either! Ah it's a match made in dysfunctional family heaven! I'm feeling the love.
Finally they finish their date after a lot of making out and a lot of hand talking from the dentist. It made me wish she had baby hands. But that's a story for another day. Brad gave her the rose at the end of the date.
Next up on the list was a group date. Did Michelle mention that she was on this date? Did she mention that it was her 30th birthday? Did she mention she was really upset that she had to go on a group date ON HER 30TH BIRTHDAY!? I mean....is there NO justice in the world? She really drove her point home when she stated in her best sarcastic tone..."happy freaking birthday..." which is weird because that's what the card all the other girls in the house got her said.
The group decided that to counteract all the venereal diseases they would inevitably be contributing to the community...they would donate blood and make PSA's for donating blood. Madison was on this date as well which concerned me only because I suspect she actually drinks blood and I view this as a conflict of interest.
"This is especially annoying because it is my 30th birthday"
Yeah....I know this is sounding repetitive....imagine how watching it was....
Then Brad came out dressed up like the guy who tried to sell me homemade tamales in the grocery store parking lot and named himself Gustavo.
Michelle started channeling the uni-bomber from Jake's season (also named Michelle....way to break the cycle Bachelor casting agents) and mentioned how Brad should love only her, she deserves him, there would be fireworks when they kissed and how she wanted to peel all of Brad's layers....I suspect with a carving knife.
She ended up getting the rose anyway because I don't know if you knew this but....it was her birthday. Her freaking 30th birthday for the love of all that is Bachelor!
Next one on one date went to Jackie who up until that point...I didn't even know existed.
They had a "spa day" which turned into a scene from "Pretty Woman" you know except with the whole prostitution thing....on second thought....no wait...that's going too far. I don't even need to be served with a slander lawsuit so let's just say the Bachelor is in "no way" associated with prostitution even though the exchange of dates for fame is eerily similar to physical acts for money. But ya know....I'm not a lawyer nor do I play one on TV (although I'd be excellent at it)
Moving on....they go to the Hollywood Bowl amphitheater and the whole time I'm praying with all my heart that Seal is there to serenade us with "Kiss From a Rose". Brad tells Jackie that the fact she's only had 2 serious boyfriends scares him but he gives the rose anyway.
Here is where it gets confusing. He then says there's one more thing and presents the band Train.
First of all....screw you Train! Where is Seal!? Second of all what would have happened if he didn't give her the rose? "I'm not giving you a rose because I am in no way attracted to you but....here's the band Train!"
The lead singer (and his hair) tried so hard to be Seal but.....c'mon you look NOTHING like Seal! Seal is bald!
Brad made out with Jackie as well....and I suspect the lead singer of Train. Just because.
I would like to break for a moment just to say....I think Brad is dreamy. I have feelings for him. They are intense and they are real.
Let's forget I just said that because I'm starting to sound like one of "those" girls. But really...Brad if it doesn't work out...call me.
Manscaper and the man got into a fight. The man who calls "herself" Melissa started crying..a lot, and the manscaper claimed that Jesus wanted her there so she'd stay. I don't think Jesus watches The Bachelor to be honest. I think it makes Him sad. Mel
Ali and Roberto showed up and because they are such experts at love....got to pick who was the most genuine of the bunch which is total crap but because they chose Emily I was totally on board.
We then endured another Rose Ceremony....and apparently this season they've decided to use the same theme music to "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire" which is both ironic and sad. Also it creates in me an urge to say "yes I'd like to phone a friend" every time because I am just so hilarious and witty.
In the end both the man and the man-scaper went home....which brought a sort of harmony to the earth.
As well as our hot mess Keltie who said before her departure "The Bachelor was my last ditch effort at love. I guess I'm just meant to be alone....I've tried everything including dating people at work which is just never a good idea".
First: Last ditch effort? That's just sad.
Second: You are a Radio City Rockette....don't you work with all women? I think you have a different kind of problem.
Brad and I are both exhausted after that episode. Stay tuned for the next one where hopefully it won't still be Michelle's birthday.