Dear Girls who wear athletic clothes to the mall,
We get it. You're sporty. Put on some real pants.
Thanks for asking me if Tupac was "East coast" or "West coast" without any further explanation.
It made my day.
Dear Jessica Simpson,
Will you please just pop that 6 year old kid that is living in your stomach out already?
Dear Justin Bieber,
If I was your girlfriend I would be arrested and sent to women's prison to be someone else's "girlfriend". Her name is probably Donna.
Thanks for the offer though!
Dear 6 year old me,
I'm really sorry that I'm not a ballerina who owns a unicorn and is married to Zack Morris like we planned. I feel like such a failure.
If you're feeling bad about yourself just keep in mind that Brad Pitt is engaged to Billy Bob Thornton's sloppy seconds. See....now you feel better!
Dear Jeopardy contestants,
Just once I'd like to see one of you wager "a PONY!" in Final Jeopardy.
Dear Institutions of Higher Learning,
I am available to give lectures on the finer points of The O.C. if anyone is interested. NOTE: The first 2 hours will be a power point presentation of 100 pictures of Oliver and me ranting about WHAT A WEASEL HE WAS.
I'm still really worked up about it guys.
I hope you had a great week and thanks for taking the time to hang out with me. Have a great weekend and if you need some reading material.....you know where to find it (cough The Dime Diary cough cough cough)