Letter To My 12 Year Old Self

Dear 12 year old self,
Hey girl.
Before you ask me when you'll look like Britney Spears and get that boy to ask you out....I've got to tell you something important.  Yes....shockingly enough there are more important things than boys asking you out.  I promise.
First: don't worry about looking like Britney Spears ok?  In 2007 she'll be worse off than you have ever been in your life.  The grass always looks greener on the other side (plus she's not even WITH Justin Timberlake anymore...and no you aren't either...but that's some bad news for another day).  You don't have to look like what you think is beautiful to be beautiful.  Don't worry about being blonde and thin and the most gorgeous girl in every room.  That won't happen but I promise you that in the end when you finally learn to love and accept yourself you will always be the most confident girl in the room and that's more important than temporary and shallow beauty anyway....it really is.  Love yourself for what makes you different.  All that time you spend doing things that seem weird to others will someday be what helps you have intelligent conversations with people.  You can be funny but also be smart because you have to be smart to get the joke.
Be kind.  Be loving.  These things don't make you a nerd.  They make you empathetic.  They make you a good friend.
Second: Show gratitude always.  Especially to Mom and Dad.  Yeah they're like sooooo annoying but it's only because they love you and sometimes you're a pain in the you know what (you're 12 so I'm still gonna keep this PG).  No matter how mean you are they will not stop loving you.  They will support you later when you need it.  Someday you'll live far away from them and you'll miss them so much you cry every night.  They will need you to love and support them through some really hard times so show them how grateful you are for everything they've done for you by trying to repay them.
Third: Forgive.  Forgive everyone.  People will hurt you in some very bad ways....you'll get through it.  If you don't forgive them you will become bitter and you'll only end up hurting yourself. So forgive generously.
Last: Don't let people push you around.  Figuring out how to be kind, loving, and forgiving while also not taking crap from anyone will be a balance that you may never figure out but keep trying.
And if all of that fails.....just pretend you're Beyonce and you'll be just fine.
xoxo

Friday Letters

Dear Mr. Rogers, 

Did you leave directions to the Neighborhood of Make-Believe before you died?  Has anyone even checked on them!?  I'm very concerned.

Vanessa

Dear Debbie Downers,

I really hate when people are a total bummer like we don't live in a world where you can listen to Prince songs ANYTIME YOU WANT.  Chill out and listen to "Purple Rain" y'all.  It's on YouTube.  FOR FREE.

Sincerely,

Vanessa

Dear Brain,

Sometimes after I've gone to bed you're all "Hey I'm awake let's party!" and I'm all "Shut up we have to get up at 6 AM" and then you whisper "Shhhh no we don't, we have to wikipedia whatever happened to the music group All-4-One" and that's exactly what we do.

Ugh.

Vanessa

Dear Camels,

I totally envy you because you can spit on ANYONE, and then shrug it off like "Don't blame me, bro.  I'm a camel.  We spit.  It's a thing."

Jealous.

Vanessa

Dear Andy Cohen,

I love you.  I want to be your best friend.  Thank you for all you've given me.  And thank you for your hilarious book which is the best thing I've ever read.  If I had a nightlight, it would be a little rotating paper lamp with cutouts of Real Housewives scenes glistening on my wall....in your honor.

Love,

Vanessa

Dear Broadway,

You should create a reality show competition to cast the Spice Girls musical called "If You Wannabe On Broadway".  Yes?  Yes!

From,

Vanessa

Dear Target,

Sorry for the Level 10 meltdown I had when I couldn't find the Advil.  I wish I could promise that it will never happen again but I'm clearly emotionally unstable.

Still love me?

Vanessa

Dear Readers,

I hope you have a great weekend!  Thanks for sticking with me!  I adore you.

xoxo,

Vanessa

Friday Letters

Dear Disney Cruise Line,
Using "Under The Sea" as your theme song is not very reassuring.
Sincerely,
Vanessa

Dear Florence + The Machine,
Thanks for "Shake It Out" buuuttt I've really gotta stop listening to it in public because I keep pretending I'm in a music video and lip syncing for my life.
Love,
Vanessa

Dear Food Network,
WAYS TO IMPROVE DINERS, DRIVE-INS, AND DIVES 1) Fire Guy Fieri 2) Hire me as host 3) Bring all the food to my house 4) No cameras.
Think about it.
Vanessa

Dear Everyone,
Raise your hand if you haven't had to use "proofs" in real life situations and then use that hand to smack your old math teacher.
I mean really.
Vanessa

Dear Kristen Stewart,
You seem like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.  Smile every once in awhile will ya!?
Vanessa

Dear Dominos,
I really appreciate your commitment to reminding everyone how crappy your food used to be.
Keep up the good work.
Vanessa

Dear Ke$ha,
Who exactly ARE these lovesick crackheads you're talking about?
Sincerely,
Vanessa

Dear Readers.
Thanks for spending the week with me (even though I wasn't around all that often....we already know I'm the worst....forgive me?)  I adore you all and you're all fabulous and wonderful!  By the way....my friend Morgan from The Dime Diary did a guest post over at The Sparkle Fashion Blog!  Check it out HERE...soooo good!  Have a great weekend!
xoxo,
Vanessa

Friday Letters

Dear Gardeners,
Thanks for hanging around outside my bathroom window.  Hope you liked when I opened it half-dressed and with a towel on my head an let out a little scream when I saw you.
Maybe knock next time.
Vanessa

Dear Glee,
Season 4 should feature a massive time jump featuring an adult, failed actress, Rachel Berry as a Dance Moms cast member.
Think about it.
Vanessa

Dear General Public,
I used Taylor Swift lyrics to get my point across in a discussion the other day so...look out!  This girl is going places!
Sincerely,
Vanessa

Dear Ron Artest,
Welcome to the Douche Bag club.  Go ahead and have a seat over there in between Ben Roethlisberger and Phillip Rivers.  Tom Brady is in charge if you have any questions.
From,
Vanessa

Dear "The Wedding Planner",
I don't know which is harder to believe....that J.Lo is Italian or Matthew McConauhey is a DOCTOR.  How stupid do you think we are?
Just stop.
Vanessa

Dear Readers,
I hope you have a great weekend!  Do something that scares you, laugh until you cry, eat cupcakes!
See you next week!
xoxo,
Vanessa

Friday Letters

Dear Girls who wear athletic clothes to the mall,
We get it.  You're sporty.  Put on some real pants.
Thanks,
Vanessa

Dear Dad,
Thanks for asking me if Tupac was "East coast" or "West coast" without any further explanation.
It made my day.
Vanessa

Dear Jessica Simpson,
Will you please just pop that 6 year old kid that is living in your stomach out already?
It's time!
Vanessa

Dear Justin Bieber,
If I was your girlfriend I would be arrested and sent to women's prison to be someone else's "girlfriend".  Her name is probably Donna.
Thanks for the offer though!
Vanessa

Dear 6 year old me,
I'm really sorry that I'm not a ballerina who owns a unicorn and is married to Zack Morris like we planned.  I feel like such a failure.
Regrets,
Vanessa

Dear people,
If you're feeling bad about yourself just keep in mind that Brad Pitt is engaged to Billy Bob Thornton's sloppy seconds.  See....now you feel better!
You're welcome.
Vanessa

Dear Jeopardy contestants,
Just once I'd like to see one of you wager "a PONY!" in Final Jeopardy.
From,
Vanessa

Dear Institutions of Higher Learning,
I am available to give lectures on the finer points of The O.C. if anyone is interested.  NOTE: The first 2 hours will be a power point presentation of 100 pictures of Oliver and me ranting about WHAT A WEASEL HE WAS.
I'm still really worked up about it guys.
Sincerely,
Vanessa

Dear Readers,
I hope you had a great week and thanks for taking the time to hang out with me.  Have a great weekend and if you need some reading material.....you know where to find it (cough The Dime Diary cough cough cough)
xoxo,
Vanessa

Friday Letters

Dear Justin Bieber,
Nice move with the new song.  I can't stop listening to it.
Ugh,
Vanessa
P.S Let's not try to make the word "swaggy" happen ok?  Swag is bad enough.

Dear Jeff from Intervention,
I love you.  Do you do interventions for Nyquil abuse?
Let me know.
Vanessa

Dear Cary Brothers,
Thanks for this amazing song.  It has been on repeat for awhile.
Don't tell Bieber.
Sincerely,
Vanessa

Dear Colt,
Thanks for getting better.  I'm so glad that I get to sleep in my bed again.  The couch looks so comfortable but then it always feels like you're sleeping on top of Marc Anthony's legs.
Love,
Vanessa

Dear Dudes,
Tony Hawk is the only man over 30 allowed to carry around a skateboard.
Shut it down.
Sincerely,
Vanessa

Dear Waiter,
When you ask me "Is Diet Pepsi ok?" the response you are going to get is "Do I look like a murderer?"
Just accept it.
Always and Forever
Vanessa (and Diet Coke)

Dear Readers,
I hope you have an amazing Easter weekend!  Thanks for being amazing.  I really do adore you all.  ALSO I have a HUGE giveaway to announce next week....so stay tuned and keep reading! :)
xoxo,
Vanessa
P.S. You know what I'm going to ask don't you?  Yeah...you do.  So.....do I still need to ask or....?  Oh HEY!  You!  Yeah YOU!  You're new here right?  Well....welcome!  Before you get cozy and start digging really deep into my personality disorder and reading my open letters to Justin Timberlake and wonder why Zack Morris never married me (I KNOW right!?)  why don't you head on over to THE DIME DIARY and become a follower?  My friend Morgan is in charge over there and she'll take good care of you.  OH!  And she's having a GIVEAWAY RIGHT NOW!  So hurry!!!  I'll just be over here hanging out with Jon Hamm until you get back....

Friday Letters

Dear Newt Gingrich,
I would bet all the money that I will ever have on the fact that you cheat at golf.
Sincerely,
Vanessa

Dear Early Bird,
These are the things you get 1) The worm 2) Tired in the middle of the day.
This is just the truth.
Vanessa

Dear Google,
Thank you for existing.  I was curious to know what a horse looks like while it sleeps and was given hours* of hilarious entertainment.
Thanks again,
Vanessa
* actually like 7 minutes.  I have the attention span of a marshmallow.

Dear NyQuil,
You should make an ice cream.  You're welcome for this million dollar idea.
I want a portion.
Love,
Vanessa

Dear Don Draper,
You are my favorite human that has ever existed.  You just sit around oozing charm while Pete makes weasel faces every time someone speaks to him.
I love you.
Vanessa

Dear movie watchers,
I am going to write and direct a film based on my life.  It's going to be just me staring at a can of Diet Coke for 2 hours while avoiding productivity.
Yep.
Vanessa

Dear Readers,
Thank you so much for your kindness and support!  You are all wonderful and I really do adore you!  Thanks for sticking with me.  Have a great weekend!
xoxo,
Vanessa
P.S. Have you followed the Dime Diary yet??
P.P.S. SERIOUSLY HAVE YOU????

Friday Letters

Dear Eli Manning and the Giants,
You know what you must do.
Sincerely,
Vanessa (and Colts fans alike)

Dear Rachel McAdams,
If I woke up from a coma and Channing Tatum told me he was my husband...I wouldn't question it.  Get it together!
From,
Vanessa

Dear people,
I had to do my laundry at the Laundromat so...some of us have real problems.
(pictures to come)
Vanessa

Dear J. Lo,
Gurl!  What is up with your make up on Idol this year??  Let me help you!
Sincerely,
Vanessa (who is still pre-selling for Lancome's gift with purchase...I'm just saying)

Dear Tom Brady,
Gurl!  Get ready to lose to the Giants.  Again.
Love,
Vanessa

Dear Readers,
Hopefully we'll still be able to see each other next week....I'll be cheating on you with work.  All day every day....let's do this Lancome.  Have an amazing weekend!!!
xoxo,
Vanessa

Friday Letters

Dear Friends,
Sometimes it takes all I have to not make an entire post about the lyrics to "Purple Rain".  Be waiting for it just in case.
Sincerely,
Vanessa

Dear January 18th 2012,
You were the day that Rob Lowe announced that Peyton Manning was retiring AND Mark Wahlberg announced he could have stopped 9/11.  I want to laminate that day and keep it in a scrapbook.
Thank you,
Vanessa

Dear Politicians,
A cool political ad would be one where a candidate karate chops boards for 30 seconds, then looks up and says "I approve this message".  Think about it.
Vanessa

Dear Everyone,
I dare you to watch this video without bawling your eyes out.  You cannot.



Beautiful.  You're welcome.
Vanessa
P.S. - You can skip to 1:15

Dear Etta James,
Your music is timeless.  You will be missed.
Love,
Vanessa

Dear Readers,
Have a fabulous weekend!  I'll be spending it up at the Sundance Film Festival stalking politely saying hi to celebrities.
xoxo,
Vanessa

Friday Letters

Dear Family and Friends,
I took NyQuil.  I woke up to find a file in my phone called "ideas".  Inside I had written "monkey football".  I would have loved to know where I was going with that.
It's ok to call an intervention now.
Sincerely,
Vanessa

Dear Screech from Saved By the Bell,
I blame you for the following things: Global warming, NBA Lockout, Newt Gingrich, "Jack and Jill", Terrorism, Racism, and the current state of my fantasy football team (in that order).
You are the worst.
Vanessa

Dear Michael Jordan,
You don't get nearly enough credit for your performance in "Space Jam".  Also *side note: IF I were to ever join an online dating site...that would be what I would write in the "About Me" section.
Here's your chance do your dance at the Space Jam....
yeah.
Vanessa

Dear first episode of One Tree Hill,
I waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
That's all I know how to say.
There IS only ONE Tree Hill...and I will sob while watching the whole season.
Love,
Vanessa

Dear Forever Lazy,
I have decided to be disgusted with you because I know if I let my guard down ONE IOTA, I will end up with 3.
From,
Vanessa

Dear Everyone,
Instead of having a book club, how about we form a Netflix club?  We'll all meet together once a month to discuss how awesome "Felicity" was from the beginning?  Yes?
Think about it,
Vanessa

Dear Readers,
I hope you're all having a wonderful year so far!  Thank you for being wonderful!
xoxo,
Vanessa

Friday Letters

Dear Sarah McLachlan,
If you are trying to get me to think about homeless animals every time I hear your song....then you are doing a great job.
From,
Vanessa

Dear Oliver on the OC,
Sometimes I think about your existence on that show and I get really really angry.  I'm not saying it's normal...I'm just saying that it happens.
Sorry (NOT...ha nailed it)
Vanessa

Dear Everyone,
I need you to know a secret about me....when I was younger I had a huge crush on the cat in "Hocus Pocus" but....not the actor who played the cat.  I think I need to talk to someone professional about this right?
Let me know,
Vanessa

Dear new season of Dog the Bounty Hunter,
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR SO LONG!!  LET'S DO THIS!!!
So excited.
Vanessa

Dear Meteor Shower,
You were amazing.  Thank you for making 2012 worth living through.....I was hopeless thinking there was no royal wedding this year.  You may have saved it....
Thanks,
Vanessa

Dear Justin Timberlake,
I can't talk about my feelings on your engagement yet. These will need to be addressed in a separate post after I've watched Sarah McLachlan's commercial a hundred times and cried my eyes out while eating at least 3 chocolate oranges.
Heartbroken but always yours...
Vanessa

Dear Readers,
I hope you had a great week!  Hope Justin Timberlake didn't ruin your entire week by getting engaged to uggggghhhhhhhhhh her.
Also thanks for reading even though I'm completely insane.  I love you all.  Have a wonderful weekend!!
xoxo,
Vanessa

Friday Letters

Dear Weather, 

Thank you for being so nice to me and not snowing at all yet.  Please continue this pattern.  

P.S. Global Warming ya'll....that crazy Al Gore may have been right....

Sincerely,

Vanessa

Dear people,

Want to know why women get so upset about their birthdays?  Because we're like Christmas trees....no one wants us after the 25th.

From,

Vanessa

Dear guy staring at me in the mall,

Am I so pretty you want to marry me or am I so pretty you want to wear my flesh like a suit?

Just wondering,

Vanessa

Dear World,

The thing that really really scares me...is that there are actually Taco Bells open 24 hours.  

Sincerely,

Vanessa

Dear 2012,

Please be gentle.

Love,

Vanessa

Dear Readers,

It's been a wonderful year with you!!  Have a very Happy New Year!!!

xoxo,

Vanessa

Friday Letters

Dear Santa,
Out of all of your reindeer, the one that sounds the most like a street name for crystal meth is all of them.
Sincerely,
Vanessa

Dear Jon Hamm,
It makes all the difference that your name is spelled "Jon Hamm" instead of "John Ham".
Congratulations on your face.
Love,
Vanessa

Dear Taylor Swift and The Civil Wars,
This song is perfect in every way.  And the fact that it's for the Hunger Games.....stop...I'm gonna cry just thinking about it.
Always and Forever,
Vanessa

Dear Pandora,
I almost walked into a wall while aggressively trying to "thumbs up" Wham's "Last Christmas" on your Christmas station.  Honestly....I'd be fine dying that way though.
From,
Vanessa

Dear World,
I watched a mom on Toddlers and Tiaras give her 13 month old Coca- Cola.  Heaven help us all.
Regards,
Vanessa

Dear Readers,
Have I told you lately that I love you?  Because I do.  I hope you have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy Hanukkah or a Happy Holiday!!!  Be safe!
xoxo,
Vanessa

Friday Letters

Dear "Baby It's Cold Outside",
As a child I thought you were a very cute song.  Now the more I listen to it...the more I'm convinced it's about date rape.  Say...what's in this drink?
Roofies.
Vanessa

Dear Tim Tebow,
Congratulations on being the most talked about white Bronco since the OJ Simpson case.
Sincerely,
Vanessa

Dear Michelle Bachman,
I would pay $50,000 to watch you and Sarah Palin play Trivial Pursuit.
From,
Vanessa

Dear Readers,
I hope you're getting all your shopping done!  Have a great weekend and in all the hustle and bustle...try to enjoy the season a little bit :)
xoxo,
Vanessa

Friday Letters

Dear Glee,
Thank you for finally getting it right.  Congrats on the first good episode in the last 1 1/2 seasons.
I wish I could quit you.
Vanessa

Dear Damian Rice,
Thank you for being so perfect.
Love,
Vanessa

Dear "The Virgin Diaries",
I laughed, I cried, I threw up in my mouth.  Welcome to the club....you can have a seat right over there in between "Teen Mom 2" and "Toddlers & Tiaras"
Sincerely,
Vanessa

Dear "Neverland" on SyFy,
OMG.  Best thing I've watched on television hands down in the last....forever!
Thank you,
Vanessa

Dear Tom Brady,
Stop crying....it's just hair.  Your magic ponytail will grow back someday.  Until then....you're still a douche.
Always,
Vanessa

Dear Little Brother,
Thank you for making me laugh every single day.  You are my favorite and my best.
I love you,
Nini

Dear Readers,
Have an amazing weekend!!!  Only a couple more weeks until Christmas...and Hanukkah is coming up here soon isn't it?  Have you finished your shopping?  More importantly what did you get me?  If it's not Bradley Cooper then....just go ahead and keep it.
Thank you all for being the best.
xoxo,
Vanessa

*most of these letters were about television shows....I have no secrets when it comes to my priorities.

Friday Letters

Yes I know.  I didn't post my Thursday Ten.  So I'll just let you take a moment and freak out.

I'll just sit here.


Yep ok you done?  So let's move on to FRIDAY LETTERS!

Dear Coconut Water,
If you were a man you would be Bradley Cooper.
Love Always,
Vanessa

Dear Bradley Cooper,
Marry me.
Love,
Vanessa

Dear Christmas Snuggie commericals,
You complete me.
Always and Forever,
Vanessa

Dear Salsa,
Why do you taste so good on EVERYTHING???  You are a wonder to me.  A strange and beautiful wonder.
Gracias,
Vanessa

Dear Bob Costas,
If you were my Dad I think I'd be ok with that.
Sorry Dad,
Vanessa

Dear Readers,
Thanks for sticking it out with me even though I'm psychologically unstable.  You are all the greatest!  Have a wonderful weekend and I'll see you on Monday!
xoxo,
Vanessa

Friday Letters

Dear Teen Mom 2 promos,
Watching Janelle sitting on her lawn with all her belongings around her embodies everything I'm feeling.
Sincerely,
Vanessa

Dear the word "frugal",
You give me the dry heaves.  Mostly because I don't want to be.
Sorry Mom.
Vanessa

Dear Diet Coke,
Our love has never been easy. Sorry for breaking up with you and then coming back just like your girlfriend in high school.  It wasn't you it was me.  I was just trying to "figure myself out".  I've always loved you.  There was never a day that went by that I didn't think of you.
I really do love you.  Forever.  For real this time.
Love,
Vanessa

Dear hippie mustache man who told me I was "stunning",
Being complimented by a bearded man who doesn't believe in social norms like showering.....has always been on my bucket list.
Thank you,
Vanessa

Dear first snowfall,
You are very pretty.  Until tomorrow morning....just like that girl that you probably shouldn't have brought home.
Regards,
Vanessa

Dear Readers,
I hope you have a fantastic weekend and if I forget to say it next week....HAPPY THANKSGIVING (to my U.S. readers....if you live anywhere else....HAPPY RANDOM THURSDAY!!!)
xoxo,
Vanessa

Friday Letters

Dear people who use public restrooms,
Don't give me a mean look when I use the handicap stall.  My handicap is on the INSIDE.
From,
Vanessa

Dear Gossip Girl,
The best part about you is how nothing makes sense.
It's really hard for me to not sign this "xoxo, Gossip Girl"
Vanessa

Dear Starbucks,
PEPPERMINT HOT CHOCOLATE GET IN MY BELLY!
I've missed you.
Vanessa

Dear world,
Let's try and show more respect for our soldiers and less for our "celebrities"
Regards,
Vanessa

Dear Ben Roethlisberger,
Too bad you can't throw a pass as long as your last name.
Sincerely,
Vanessa

Dear Readers,
Enjoy your weekend!!!!  You're the greatest!
xoxo,
Vanessa

Friday Letters

Dear Holiday Season,
I can feel you in the air already.  I'm so excited for the first snowflakes (flakes...not fall) and the Christmas movies (Elf, Home Alone, Love Actually etc...) and the sweaters and the Christmas lights....ahhh...be good to me this year.
Love,
Vanessa

Dear Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,
I wish I could quit you.
Sincerely,
Vanessa

Dear Future Husband,
I didn't shower today and instead of cleaning the bathroom like I was planning....I watched Ghostwriter for most of the day....
I'm just keeping it real.  Don't say I didn't warn you.
Vanessa

Dear Toddlers & Tiaras,
Can't wait to see y'all on 16 and Pregnant.
Regards,
Vanessa

Dear Abercrombie & Fitch,
Oh...I thought this was the place we purchased shirtless men?  No?  This is awkward....
Vanessa

Dear Readers,
Have a very wonderful first November weekend!!!
xoxo,
Vanessa

Friday Letters

Dear Halloween,
We've had our ups and downs.  Mostly downs because you steal all my birthday thunder.  I thought I was over it but then I was writing this and remembered it all over again.
Kindly disregard this letter.
Vanessa

Dear Original Flavor Oatmeal,
You are like the last girl left in the bar....all the other good ones are taken so....I guess we'll pick you.
It's not personal.
Vanessa

Dear Ghostwriter,
You are the best show.  I will be spending the weekend watching Season 1 over and over trying to recapture my childhood....no I don't need a therapist.
Always,
Vanessa

Dear Fore Fathers,
We ALL could have had British accents if you hadn't of thrown all that tea in the water.
Thanks a lot.
Vanessa

Dear 11:11,
You owe me 7 unicorns, a Hogwarts acceptance letter, a hundred kisses from that boy I still have a crush on,  and independent wealth.  Thanks in advance.
Love,
Vanessa

Dear Dad,
I told you not to play against me in Words With Friends....
Sorry.
Vanessa

Dear readers,
Have a wonderful and SAFE Halloween weekend!!!
xoxo,
Vanessa