to talk about The Bachelor.
The Bachelor truly is one of the most conniving pieces of television there is. EVERY year I talk about how shallow it is and how I will NOT watch it and EVERY year - I do.
This year there aren't any gimmicks like the "on the wings of love" season (rude) so I've nicknamed it
Ben: The Bachelor that no one really wants
This guy got rejected by Ashley....BY ASHLEY DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME??
Anyway....on with the show
Ben has spent some time with the cast of Jersey Shore this summer...no not because he has a number of venereal diseases (I don't think...don't quote me on that though...I am not that close of a relation to him) BUT because of how fake tan he is. I mean...brother is orange. Ben is ready to find love though...and he's also ready to start leaning against things (the deck railing, door jams...etc). The producers are trying really really hard to prove to us that he's appealing. He plays the piano! He kayaks! He looks at the ocean! But no shirtless shots though so.....I'm thinking there's a reason for that (I'm making a petition to let Brad be the Bachelor every year just so I can watch him jog in slow motion without his shirt on....and with that statement I have single-handedly set feminism back 14 years...sorry women.) Ben explains that he's never juggled 25 women before...weird. The stylists of the show have decided that Ben's color this year is "teal".
All the girls this year spell their names completely cray cray.
These are acceptable ways to spell "Lindsay": L-I-N-D-S-A-Y
These are unacceptable ways to spell "Lindsay": any other way (sorry Lindsays)
These are the names of girls on the Bachelor this year: Lindzi and Lyndsie
If you think that this is foreshadowing....you are correct.
I would like to take a moment and let everyone know that the only thing keeping me awake while listening to Ben talk is looking at his nose. Sometimes it looks normal and then he makes a face and suddenly he turns into a dragon.
Anway....let's meet the ladies.
Rachel 27 - Blonde from New York...she has these bangs that aren't bothering me as much as normal but let's give it time.
Erika 23 - Law student who looks good from afar but is far from good. She tells Ben he's sexy. Leave it to a lawyer to lie straight to your face.
Amber B. 23 - Nurse from Canada. She introduces herself as "the Baconator" so...there's that. She needs to calm down...this is not an audition for Degrassi (Canada jokes!)
Elyse 24 - Dark haired personal trainer and completely nondescript. We may have a match.
Jenna 27 - Blogger/Carrie Bradshaw wannabe from New York. She embarrasses herself by misquoting Ben from last season and almost takes a kitchen knife to her throat over it...she's gonna be fun.
Let's just take a minute and note that you know you've chosen the wrong bachelor when the limos with the girls inside use words like "cute" and "adorable" to describe him. You will never hear the word "hot" to describe Ben. (frowny face)
Courtney 28 - A model from Santa Monica. She's a pretty girl and very confident. I am picking her right now as the winner. Ben really really likes her. Which means I'm also picking her as the girl that breaks up with Ben a few months After the Final Rose airs.
Emily 29 - PHD student with awful hair....I mean awful. I did not realize you could receive your PHD in a trailer park.
Samantha 26 - She's wearing a sash because she's Miss Pacific Palisades. I'm wearing a sad face because stupid girls make me sad.
Holly 34 - She's 34! She's wearing a giant hat to show she's from Kentucky...I think it might be to hide her balding head because she's so freaking old.
Shira - NO AGE GIVEN She's an "actress"....I'm frightened.
Now everybody grab some crackers because it's about to get cheesy (ha ha ha ha ha I'm so funny it makes me physically hurt that others aren't this funny)
There's an old broad who comes out on crutches and then in a shocking turn of events....INTRODUCES HER GRAND DAUGHTER who will be an actual contestant. I would like it better if Ben had to give a rose to the grandma.
Jennifer 28 - An accountant who has tricks up her sleeve. She plays this number game with Ben like "2 is the number of times I've been in love, 55 was the number of dresses I tried on before picking the one I'm wearing".....3 was the number of times I threw up in my mouth while she was talking.
Then there were a bunch of others I don't care about except for our girl Linnnndddzyyyeei who rides up on a horse. Yep. An actual horse.
Also I'd like to point out that the only black person on the show is the driver of the limos. Failed attempt at veiling your racism The Bachelor.
They go into the cocktail party and it takes me about 2 seconds to hate that girls's bangs. I mean...they are terrible. Then we have some drama because Monica (the girl from Utah of course...further trying to make people believe that Utah sucks so hard....) has come down with a bad case of being a lesbian. Then she decides she hates Jenna (who let's be honest....we all do) and then Jenna starts talking like Mary J. Blige and is all "I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna shed no tears"....then Jenna and Monica have a "heart to heart" but it doesn't work because they speak two different girl languages. Jenna "maybe we can share a tampon sometime" Monica "that's not classy". Nothing makes sense!
Mary J. breaks her promise and tears up and Ben is all "are you ok" and she goes all Mary J. again and says "I'm fine, fine, fine".
Ben gives out the first impression rose to Lidzeeendessee who rode the horse. It was clearly a strategic move to try and pretend he doesn't love the model best. Because girls hate guys who love models.
I actually like Lyndszie and I really like Jamie too who is a RN and has custody of all her siblings (awww)..she's sweet.
If you were just thinking "wow....all these brunettes look exactly the same"...you are correct.
I don't even remember who stayed and who went but I do know that one girl wrote a rap about being an epidemiologist and it's as bad as you'd think it would be. But what are you gonna do, you only get one shot do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo.
Also Ben kept Mary J. which was clearly a producers pick so that we'd actually get some action on this show. I look forward to taking this journey with you this season and seeing the most shocking rose ceremony (ies) in Bachelor history.
Good night...and good luck.
P.S. The other Lindsay who spells her name like a freak....will henceforth and forever be known as "butt chin" because....