Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Bachelor: Where Everything Is Weird

The secret password today is: Weird.
So many weirds.

Ben decides to take the women to his "hometown" (which he has about a million of....) of Sonoma so they can see "the real him".  I've seen the real him and I'm real bored.  Ben says he's lucky to be in this position and I would agree - he is lucky that women are basically forced to like him.

Kaci B. has the first date card.  Ben says she's a really genuine woman...he also says her name like he's eating a peanut butter sandwich and his tongue is stuck to the roof of his mouth (KaccccceeeeeeeeBeeeeeeeeeeee).  It's weird.  Can't he just call her Kasi?  Ben and Kasi (or Kaci?  Or Kasey?) go walking through Sonoma.  He apparently brings things out of her that she hasn't been in touch with for a long time (weird things).  Kaci finds a baton (seeeee) and does a baton routine in the middle of the street (seeeeeeeeeee) and Ben pretends it's a super hot talent to have.

KaccceeeeeBEEEEEEEEE gets the rose and they start watching home videos of each other as children (classic Bachelor move) and Ben cries because his Dad is dead (another classic Bachelor move).  It's actually really sweet and sad.  So is Ben's sister's face and haircut.

Kaci seems like a nice girl but but I think they're setting us up for "our first date was so amazing but now after all these group dates I don't feel special anymore and I don't know what to believe"...CLASSIC BACHELOR MOVE.

Date #2 is a group date.  Ben is wearing jorts which is weird.  His catch phrase is "holding it near and dear to my heart"...he's holding a lot of things near and dear to his heart.  Also did I mention the weird jorts he's wearing.  They're white.  There are 12 women on this date which is 6 too many.  Blakely is in a skin tight romper/jumpsuit thing and has crazy Fire Mashall Bill teeth.  Yikes.  Weird.

Oh did I mention that FMB (Fire Marshall Blakely) is also crazy??

The women have to audition for a bunch of kids for a part in a community theater play...which I absolutely love because it is the epitome of the phrase "kicking someone when they're down".  All the women are pretending to really really love the kids but the kids know what's up.
There's a semi-creepy Asian girl who is bossing everyone around.  Ben doesn't like her.  Not because he's racist but because she has self-esteem.
The girls all have to dress up in embarrassing costumes which is just amazing.

This play is titled Prince Pino of Bachelorville THIS IS AMAZING.  Someone is dressed up like a dragon and has to blow Ben's clothes off.  This is super weird.  Also Nicki has crazy eyes.

Then there's a cheek kissing 3-some and Samantha is pouting about Blakely in the public restroom...

Meanwhile back at the house Courtney is causing some major problems.  Courtney is the model and she has a really weird whisper voice that drives me crazy.  She's decided she really hates horse girl Lynddzziieeee.  She keeps talking about how she thinks the horse got the first impression rose and she's not beating a dead horse (lolz).  The girls hate her.  This is Vienna all over again.

Back on the group date Blakely has gotten the rose on the date and the redhead chick is losing her freaking mind.  She's going to light something on fire.  This is amazing television.

Ben takes the whispering model on a date.  They also take his dog.  They go into the woods where Ben murders her....ahahahaha no.  They talk about their lives.  Courtney is just "sooooo tired" of living in the fast lane.  Ben is trying really hard to sound cool...talking about all the partying he's done.  I've heard that owning a vineyard is like...crazy times.  Like Woodstock meets Golden Girls.  Weird.  Courtney is trying really hard to stay awake while he talks.   I hate her.

Cocktail party and some of the girls who got no date at all are nervous.  One of which is horse rider Lyindsze.   (not to be confused with Blakely who looks a little like a horse).

Lyndize is trying to be all low maintenance and saying things like "normally dirt is my make up" "I drive a truck"  Shut up.

Samantha is talking to Ben about how she's just "one of the guys" she "hates drama" which is perfect timing for Mr. Ed Blakely to cut in and ruin everyone's life.
Blakely has come out of nowhere tonight to steal the show.  Everyone wants to murder her.  Except for Courtney who just sips her wine and drawls "it's like a war out there".  Models don't give any cares.

Oh have I not mentioned crazy Jenna?  We're getting to her.  She is super skittery.  She's ready to make her mark.  She's ready to really show Ben who she is.  She does this by dropping her coat on a candle and nearly taking the whole house down in a blaze of shame.  She is really starting to lose it.  She says she's like a guy and then stammers and stutters before blurting out "I'm not a girl!".....I don't know.  She's barely functional.

The ladies all start talking smack about Blakely which causes her to crawl into the fetal position next to a pile of luggage and cry.

Ben magically appears and feels awkward so he leaves only to find Jenna lying in a bed crying.  Ben talks about how he didn't realize it would be this difficult which means he didn't realize putting a bunch of women together with a bunch of wine would make them act like well....women.
This is the most realistic part of the show because I really do believe this is what it would be like to date multiple women.  Just a bunch of rooms full of tears and slurred words.

The Final Rose Ceremony

Jennifer- yay

Emily - not a single word was uttered

Elyse - used her words to bash Blakely....well done

Jaclyn - maybe the weirdest looking contestant on this show ever.....besides Vienna

Erica - also a proud member of the anti-Blakely movement

Rachel - I'm pretty sure she's 50 years old and she has bangs...and she's still hotter than Jaclyn

Lindzi - whatevs

Nicki - crazy eyes for the win!

Cacey S. - Apparently...she exists.

Samantha - leader of the anti-Blakely movement

Monica - leader of the sometimes lesbian movement

Jamie - I still like her.  I'd like to see more of her

Brittany - who are you???

Jenna is gone as expected.  She was only around long enough to jazz it up a bit but once the producers saw the stir that Blakely and the whispering model would make...she was no longer needed.  As she leaves Jenna remains calm and and poised and dignified because she realizes that it's just a show and she's only known Ben for about a week.
NOT she cries hysterically and says "are you kidding me?" over and over.

Next week they go to San Francisco which Ben also calls his hometown (SEE!?)  How are you running your winery from San Fran BEN?
Also a mystery woman shows up and ruins everyone's lives even more!


Beth said...

Love it... I too was really confused as to who the other Casey was... Seriously where did she come from?

Scott and Morgan said...

i will pump my fist to this FOR sure. thank you for making me laugh today vanessa. haha everything, every single word you wrote is exactly what i was thinking the whole episode. you have a talent for putting that into words.

Scott and Morgan said...

p.s. you forgot Kaci B on the chosen!

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