Oh The Bachelor. I was really hoping someone else would show up claiming to be in love with Ben. Chantal? Michelle? Ames? But no. We are now in Park City, Utah. Why? Because Ben claims he wants them to experience the outdoors and love it. Because the outdoors are such a huge part of his life. What about what they want Ben? What about what they like? You aren't the only one in this relationship you know!
As predicted Kacie B. is having a hard time. She just wishes she could be going to the grocery store with Ben right now. She just really loves produce and boring guys ok?!
Rachel aka Bangs McGee gets the first one on one date.
The Bachelor Copter makes its first appearance of the season and Rachel and Ben fly to some river or something. What is really great about it is that they both talk about how peaceful and and romantic the lake/river is and then it cuts to a shot of like 500 flies flying all around them and that trash filled river.
Rachel has a nose ring. Nothing really to say about it...just an observation (by having nothing to say I'm foreshadowing for the rest of their date)
Rachel has nothing to say (seeeee?) and it's awkward. They have an in depth conversation about whether or not Ben was "little winking" or "squinting" and I want to drown myself in the swamp they are at right now.
Even though she sucks Ben takes her to dinner anyway and she finally gets the conversation going by announcing...."this fire is hot". Very good Rachel!
The producers of the show try to make it sound like she's turning it around but all she's really saying is that she's never really going to turn this around. She's a "bad communicator" and it has "ended all relationships in the past"....that sounds so promising that Ben gives her the rose..I'm going to say that it's because she makes out with him. Cynical...perhaps. Truthful? Yes.
Group date time. Ben is riding a horse and doing a terrible job at it. He looks like Billy Crystal in City Slickers. Lindzi's heart "melts" at the sight of him riding a horse and Courtney drawls "watch out for poop" which is pretty much a metaphor for the entire show. They are going fly fishing which is the hottest date of all time.
Now boys and girls I'm going to teach you about a strange scientific phenomena. We call it "The Vienna Effect". It's when a girl is completely heinous and she is literally covered in red flags and yet a guy just can't get enough of her. Oh hey Courtney! Weird seeing you here....
She compares catching fish to catching men (yes really) and she actually does catch a fish and we all get super jealous.
We have a Casey S. sighting! I don't think she has spoken a word until now...and we get 2 words from her before Nicki interrupts. I want more Casey S.! In another Bachelor phenomena....Nicki is always red faced and glassy eyed aka completely sch-wasted. Ben tells her she has a way of standing out during the group dates which is kind of the same thing as when you get told you have a great personality.
Samantha gets some alone time and announces "I have such crazy feelings for this guy, I feel like I should already have a ring on my finger!"....woah...slow down there killer.
Ben completely shuts her down. She must be acting nuts when the cameras aren't around because Ben is becoming animated and angry like we've never seen before. He tells her that on the group dates she's highly emotional and he can't justify giving her a one on one date because he doesn't think she's really serious about him and so she makes this face...
Then Ben says it's time to just end it and she needs to leave. I really wish they would have shown what actually happened because we barely saw this girl and now Ben is straight up going off on her.
Samantha goes to get her stuff and say good bye and the girls offer her some really heartfelt words
"you're a great person ok??"
What I don't understand is that if he felt that way...why didn't he get rid of her last week and keep Shawntel? HUH BEN????
Courtney gets the rose on the group date and all the girls have fantasies of drowning her in the pool of the Waldorf- Astoria.
Jennifer gets the next one on one date. They repel down a cave or something...I don't know, I'm only half paying attention at this point because I have real problems like how I only have one diet coke left in the fridge.
BUT THEN Ben makes a statement that makes me want to take that last can of diet coke and throw it at his face (and we KNOW how I feel about diet coke y'all!)
Ben says to Jennifer "you think you'd be able to handle a crazier lifestyle? The days aren't the same, I never really know where I'm gonna be or what I'm to be doing. I have to be very flexible and have a relationship that is flexible".....
What?! Do you think you are freaking Brad Pitt or something?! What does he think he's up to that is sooo crazy? He should be on his knees begging for Jennifer to live his boring life with him.
As Ben is giving her the rose he talks about how he wasn't sure of her. Again he's giving off the vibe that she's this boring accountant and he's this wild man with all this stuff going on. You fake own a winery Ben, you aren't the most interesting man in the world.
Cocktail party. Emily gets alone time and in a classic Bachelor move (seriously...you could set your clock to how a season of this show is going to pan out....) she rats out Courtney. As she starts to do it Ben goes "I don't know who you're talking about and I know you aren't going to throw anyone under the bus". And then Emily throws Courtney under the bus. And this angers Ben! And he says "It's probably going to end up being your own demise". Demise? Wow...someone thinks highly of himself. Ben is morphing into a big headed monster. Who do you think you are? You'll never be Brad Womack!
In a surprise twist Casey S. announces she's friends with Courtney! She loves her and tells Emily so! Casey S. is a freaking wild card people. We need more of her.
Casey S. immediately goes and tells Courtney what Emily was saying about her. This is so crazy! It's like Casey S. hasn't even been on the show until now...and she may not have been. I'm not really sure at this point.
Courtney starts Criss Angel "mind freaking" Emily and it immediately starts paying off big in the form of Emily crying and saying over and over that Courtney really gets to her.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Lindzi - in case you forgot...crazy face is still with us
Jaimie - she's venturing into Casey S. territory with lack of screen time on this show
Nicki - she's like Kasie B. in the same way that Leighton Meester is like Minka Kelly. Similar but not as perfect.
Kacie B. - aka Minka
Elyse - eww
Blakely - remember when everyone hated Blakely? Courtney's evilness has turned her into just one of the gals. She was even seen highlighting Emily's hair in the bathroom at one point....wtf?
Casey S. - welcome to the party!
Emily - she's still in the game and a cat fight is sure to be coming next week....
FINALLY Monica the part time lesbian got eliminated. Amazing that she lasted this long especially after announcing on the first night that she wasn't into Ben and all she wanted to do was make out with Blakely.
Luckily she's from Salt Lake City so really the limo is just gonna drop her off at home.
The show ends with a classic Bachelor moment: Ben says "we're going to Puerto Rico!" all the women cheer but Courtney says "I was just there 2 months ago". Ha! Just like Kristin Wiig's character on SNL "I'm the President of Puerto Rico so......"
Next week: Courtney throws down the gauntlet...and by that I mean she takes him skinny dipping. Sorry girls...you're SOL.