Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The Bachelor: Where Everyone Freaks Out

Ben and the ladies are headed to San Francisco.  There are a lot of people who live in San Francisco while operating a winery in Sonoma.  Those people are called liars.
Ben meets up with his sister to chat.  Ben and his sister look exactly alike except that his sister has a less feminine haircut.

Emily (aka Eminem) gets the first one on one date.  For their date they are going to climb to the top of the Bay Bridge. CLASSIC BACHELOR MOVE.  This is something the Bachelor does with a girl to create a "deeper emotional connection".  As they start walking up the bridge...Emily starts having a panic attack.  I would be too but it would be because I was just realizing that I was on the Bachelor...with Ben.  Ben gives her a kiss on the bridge which apparently solves all her problems.  The only problem it solved is that it switched her fear of heights to fear of being stuck in a relationship with Ben (at least it should be).

Later they have dinner.  Emily tells Ben about how she was matched with her older brother on an online dating website.  Clearly this is a girl with some emotional baggage and family secrets.  So clearly...Ben gives her the rose.
Ben announces that he could very well spend the rest of his life with Emily.  I'm pretty sure he would propose to a banana if it touched his lips the right way.

Group date.  11 women.  Ben has a "leap list" which apparently is a list of things that commitment phobes make to keep themselves from getting married.  Things they want to do before "taking the leap".  On Ben's list he has written that he wants to ski down a hill of fake snow with a bunch of women in bikinis.  WHO DOESN'T have that on their leap list am I right!?

Rachel gets some alone time with Ben. By alone time I mean that she tells him she's really happy to be here and he starts making out with her.  She's really sticking with those bangs and with the fact that she's 27...we'll agree to disagree.

Meanwhile...tensions are high back at Bachelorette manor.  Brittney gets the next one on one date but she's "torn and confused" about it. She is freaking out.  She only wanted to be on TV!  She didn't know she'd actually have to date Ben!  I can't blame her for these feelings.  This would never happen to Bachelor Brad!
Brittney goes home and not a single care is given.

Lyndzie get's Brittney's sloppy seconds for a date.  They go up to City Hall and the door is locked.  Ben pulls a key out and unlocks the door.  Lyndzie states "I don't know who this guy is but he's amazing".  Gurl!  He doesn't really have a key to City Hall.  YOU'RE ON A TV SHOW.
They go into to City Hall and it's SEAL singing "Kiss From a Rose"! it's not.  That's just what I wished had happened.  It's actually Matt Nathanson and I get the sads because he could be doing so much better.
*Side Bar: Watching Lyndzie and Ben kiss is super gross.  Like "Virgin Diaries" type gross. ALSO Lyndzie's hair and face look cray cray

They go to Ben's favorite "speakeasy" which he didn't even know existed until the producers told him.  Lyndzie reveals that she was dumped by her boyfriend of 1 1/2 years by a text that said "welcome to Dumpsville baby, population you".  So clearly she used to date Spencer Pratt.

CUT TO: Mysterious woman driving down the highway.  She's talking to Chris.  We don't know who she is! She says she was on Bachelor Brad's season!  He was on 17 times!  This tells me nothing!
And finally they reveal its....

And I like her!  She says she has very strong feelings for Ben and I'm confused because I'm they know each other?  I later Googled this and found out that apparently Shawntel watched Ashley's season and developed a crush on Ben and Twittered all about it.  You go girl.

Back at the cocktail party, Courtney toasts to a "drama free night" and then starts a whole bunch of drama.  She's all like "I hate everyone" and does not give an eff.  Models do what they want to!  She does make complete sense when she whisper voices that "Blakely is the kind of girl your boyfriend cheats on you with" which is totally true.  Because boyfriends everywhere are always hooking up with girls who look like horses but make them feel "important".  If you need further proof...just Google the women the Presidents of our nation have cheated with.  Except John F. Kennedy.  He did everything right.
Anyway...bottom line is the girls start to realize that Courtney might be a psychopath.

The best moment of the night comes when Shawntel comes to the cocktail party and walks by the girls.  At first they don't even notice and then they are like "who is that?" and then the freak out begins.
Shawntel comes over to talk to Ben and he is all like "Holy $%@#!"
Elyse has been pulled away from Ben for Shawntel to talk to Ben.  She's so angry and it's so awesome and she makes this face...

Ben and Shawntel talk.  He talks about how they've talked before.  I didn't know that!?  Where?  On one of those Bachelor cruises?  At The Bachelor Pad auditions?  I'm so confused!
By the way...this is not the first time this has happened.  BACHELOR TRIVIA TIME!  During Byron's season (which I'm pretty sure no one watched except for me and my room mate Melissa), they introduced 2 girls from a previous season to be contestants.  One of them was Mary who ended up winning.  And by winning I mean getting punched in the face by Byron and repeatedly getting arrested for domestic abuse.

After talking to Ben, Shawntel goes to talk to the girls.  You remember the hyenas from "Lion King" right?...

"She's uglier in person" one of them says "you're a _____ loser!" says another.  Women hating other women for no real reason?  Say it ain't so.
Jaclyn the monster face says she's way better than Shawntel.  Umm......ok...?
Emily: "she just rides up on her pun intended, and expects a rose?" Shut up.
Courtney: "if Ben gives her a rose....I'm leaving"  BYEEEEEEEEE
Ericka: "her thighs are bigger than mine so that's fine" uuggggghhhhhhhh

Ambiguous blonde girl: "What makes you think you deserve to be here over the girls who have been sent home already?"
Shawntel: "What makes YOU think you deserve to be here over the girls who have been sent home?"


Courtney - hesitates before accepting and then gives a really mature speech where she says she want him to know that she saw him talking to "what's her butt" and it was a lot to handle.  Ben has no idea what she's saying and just gives her the rose without responding.

Kacie B. - Probably a front runner for me

Elyse - I am not a fan.  *see picture above

Jaimie - Not a single word was uttered (again)

Jennifer - her star is fading

Kasey S. - Who are you????

Blakely - neigh

Monica - ???!!!! How is she still here?  This is disturbing.

Nikki - haven't seen much of her except for her weird emotional break down when Shawntel showed up so....

Samantha - whatevs

Before he hands out the final rose he attempts to say a few words.  Ericka freaks her mind out and basically falls down.  She's a mess and so is her hair.  It's crimped!  CRIMPED Y'ALL.
The girls blame Ericka's situation on Shawntel which makes total sense.  It was Shawntel who was feeding Ericka Xanax and Tequila.
After things get settled, Ben pulls a classic Bachelor move and doesn't give the final rose to anyone.
And I'm angry.  You kept Monica over Shawntel!?  Ericka breaks down into tears and Jaclyn walks out.  The worst part of this is how upset and defiant Jaclyn is.  Have you looked at yourself lately?

I's pure insanity that she thought she had a chance.

Ben walks Shawntel out and the girls are all relieved because they know and fear the dangers of someone who is better than them.
I'm not sure what Ben was thinking.  My guess is that he sensed the animosity from the other girls and didn't want to cause trouble.  Man up Ben!  I think Shawntel and him would have been great together.
But in true Bachelor form...Ben will pick Courtney.  I'm telling ya.

Next week they will be headed to Park City, Utah which makes me very sad.

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