Wednesday, February 1, 2012

The Bachelor: "Who knew strippers could play baseball?"

Welcome back.  Is this season over yet?  It basically is but they are forcing us to sit through 10 more episodes.  The crazy thing is that we are 5 episodes in and some girls have no business being here.  I'm looking at you Casey S., Blakely, and that one girl who's name I always forget.

We are in Puerto Rico and at least 73% of the girls announce "this is the perfect place to fall in love"....I'm confused because they clearly don't know they are on The Bachelor which is the exact opposite of the perfect place to fall in love.  Nicki gets the first one on one date.  She wants to know what it will be like to date Ben without 10 other girls around....oh! oh! pick me!  I know!  Boring!

I have decided that I would actually kill to be Chris Harrison.  He gets to travel to all these beautiful places for free while simultaneously ruining the lives of people who hate themselves.  I always thought working at Disneyland was my dream job but I'm seriously re-considering.

Release the Bachelor Copter!!!  Nicki has a serious serious case of "crazy face"...all the time.  She's also wearing what is quite possibly the most offensive dress in the history of The Bachelor.

 I also forgot she used to be married....probably because she hasn't been mentioned in the last 3 episodes at all.  Nicki says she's with the man of her dreams. I don't know if he's the man of anyone's dreams but he sure puts me to sleep! Jokes!
If you saw Ben and Nicki from behind I honestly don't think you could tell the 2 of them apart.  I actually think Ben's hair is getting shorter in back and longer up front.  Maybe he's like Pinocchio and every time he tells a lie about owning/running a winery...his bangs grow.

Ha ha ha look at this doofus in a hat....I think his hair may actually be holding it up.

Nicki gets the rose.

The next group date is announced and they realize that Elyse will be getting the next one on one date.  She gets excited and nobody really knows why because she's definitely getting sent home and in the most humiliating way possible: by BEN.
Hey do you guys want to see something really awesome?
You're welcome.

For the group date they go to a baseball stadium.  They are going to play baseball and all the girls are really excited because apparently they were all "born to do this" and they are all "super athletic".  File that in "pointless pieces of information I get on The Bachelor" (aka the entire show).
Lyndzie always looks down when talking to the camera and somehow it makes her look crazier.
Chris Harrison graces us with his beautiful presence and tells us there is going to be a beach party BUT "not all of you will be going"....You can hear one of the girls saying "that's so meeeaaaaaaannnnnn".  This is NOT Glee!  You are not always a winner!  This is reality TV guys!
They have to play baseball against each other to decide which team gets the beach date.  The Blue team does really well in the first but then the Red team catches up real quick thanks to a throwing Ben.  Leave it to him to even suck at this.

Blakely starts doing really well and catching everything that is coming her way (and no I'm not referring to the STD's that she has also caught).  Courtney then states "who knew strippers could play baseball".  And yes...Courtney is the worst but also...kind of the best because she has a point.

Red team wins and the Blue team starts crying.  Ben then refers to their loss like "losing the series".  Yes folks...Ben just compared losing a fake baseball game for time with him to THE WORLD SERIES.  Congratulations Ben....I dub thee Lord of Doucheville.

Blakely is so pissed they lost she starts slipping into her trashy southern accent that she has clearly worked very hard to hide.  What she isn't trying hard to hide?  Her Bob Knight impersonation and her boobs* (*I deeply apologize for using the words "Bob Knight" and "boobs" in the same sentence and for the damage it inevitably caused you)

Ben tells Kacie B. at one point that "all of the women I've fallen for in my life....have never loved me back".  File that into the "pointless pieces of information I already knew about Bachelor Ben" aka....I hope I never really know that much about Bachelor Ben.

After Kacie gets her alone time with Ben (and gets the rose), Courtney starts the ball rolling in her devious plot to ruin all our lives.  She says "Those girls have no idea what I'm capable of". Actually, I think they are pretty aware of it.  She tells Ben they should go skinny dipping later.  Fact: skinny dipping was invented by the creators of Laughing Cow cheese in 1493.  Also it's a terrible but effective way to get a man to think he's fallen in love with you.

Side bar: Casey S. is the best looking girl with the least amount of air time in Bachelor history.  And my credentials as a Bachelor historian can not be questioned* (*yes they can)

It's time for Elyse's date of doom.  There is no way she is coming back from this.  There's a better chance of Kacie's hair staying straight through an entire episode, of Casey speaking more than 2 sentences in a row on camera, Blakely's boobs being real, of Courtney having a pretty mouth, of Ben actually owning a winery, of Rachel being in her twenties....
Ben and Elyse go on a yacht.  Bachelor Yacht!  Ben is exactly like Leonardo DiCaprio in "Titanic" except for the exact opposite.
Elyse says she's done "everything" in her life and that's because she counts living on her own as doing something.  She gave up her job to be here!  I can only imagine it's because she thought Brad would be the Bachelor again.  HOLD THE PHONE!  I just realized that Elyse is a personal trainer.  So she gave up nothing.
Sidebar: I was very very distracted during that portion of their date because I was laughing so hard watching Ben's hair flip around in the wind on the yacht.

Later...they eat dinner. Sidebar: my sister messaged me about this scene and she said "did you notice Ben's clip on bowtie???" now all I can think about is how he is a GROWN MAN with GROWN MAN bangs and he had to have a clip on bowtie.

While trying to distract us from his failures Ben brings up the obvious red flag "umm....earlier you said you had accomplished everything you wanted to accomplish...?" and then Elyse shoots herself in the face by saying "I'm sick of being single".
Ben is so uncomfortable during this date it's hilarious.  You can tell he's looking for an excuse to dump her but he doesn't really have one besides the fact that she's clearly too classy for him.

Elyse kind of looks like she could be Ben's crazy older sister who got addicted to meth in high school and ran off to Mexico.   Needless to say...she does not get the rose.
It's important to note that Ben is wearing tuxedo capri pants which are kind of like tuxedo pajamas in the sense that they don't exist and never should.

Courtney pulls a Vienna later in the night and stalks Ben at his room and announces she has lotion in her pocket so already you know that either A.) She's going to murder him or B.) you're going to want to change the channel.
Courtney then pulls out her Royal Flush of Bachelor moves and goes skinny dipping with Ben.  She has pretty much guaranteed a spot in the finals because there is no way Ben is going to turn down a naked model. Ben has needs too!  Really really terrible and gross needs!  She's playing for keeps people and by keeps I mean keeps for a month to help her modeling/actress career before she dumps him and sells the story to In Touch magazine.

Blakely is nervous about getting eliminated and I must say she really has turned herself around.  She tells Ben she keeps a notebook and every day she writes one thing she really loves or respects about him.  I find myself almost rooting for that plucky little stripper "cocktail" waitress.

Rachel is at least 43.  For real.

Courtney brags about her "secret" with Ben and then proceeds to hint to all the girls and get them to start talking about skinny dipping.  Poor Jennifer goes on and on about skinny dipping, not knowing what happened.  Poor, sweet, innocent, dumb, fake red headed Jennifer.

Oh here comes the resident Debbie Downer aka Emily.  She apologizes to Ben for talking crap about Courtney.  She wants him to know that from now on she's only thinking about him and not Courtney and she feels awful she even brought it up.  AND THEN she starts talking about how Courtney is such a weirdo and how she would hate to see him end up with her and so on and so forth.  This girl has a PHD?!  In what?  Committing Bachelor suicide!?  The only worse thing she could have done would be to tell Ben she's a virgin.


All the girls look terrible

Lyndzie - She's really just floating by

Jamie - speaking of unknown....this is the girl I always forget exists

Rachel - she might be a grandma!

Courtney - she acts all surprised

Casey S. - an enigma

Blakely - one more week

Emily - WHAT!?

Shockwaves erupt at my house.  What just happened?  Jennifer gets eliminated??  Really Ben!?  Jamie is still here but Jennifer is gone?  That is madness.  Complete madness.

Kasey S. is a mute!  She was born without a tongue and she's still around?  Nothing makes sense.  And now Jennifer is asking the one question that bothers me more than any other question on this show "What did I do wrong?".  I hate that the girls on this show immediately blame themselves.  If Ben were in the real world, Jennifer wouldn't even give him a second look.  I am upset.  That was hurtful Ben.  You should be begging her to date you.

Next week: Panama City where Casey S. finally gets some screen time but apparently someone either had to die or she did something naughty to get it.

And just so you feel fully satisfied that Ben is indeed the is Ben making out with Jennifer moments before sending her home.
*I could have made that smaller but I want his sleaziness all up in your face.  You're welcome.


Beth said...

Hilarious as always... And I threw up a little in my mouth thanks to that disgusting last picture

Vanessa said...

ha ha ha it's so gross....

The Miranda's said...

lol...this is awesome! i made the same comment to Beto about lindzi! you though are hilarious!

Mindi said...

Not sure I have ever laughed harder at a blog! and I've never even watched the show!

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