I don't really know what to title this. I don't know if I'll even ever give it a title. Something you may not know about me is I suffer from high anxiety and panic attacks. My anxiety is daily and yes at times it makes it difficult for me to do the simplest of tasks. Sometimes I get a weird feeling about an elevator so I can't take it. I literally grip my seat and don't hardly breathe when in a car in the snow. Crowded places are really bad for me because I think something bad is going to happen. I know to people who don't suffer from anxiety, this sounds absolutely mental. I've experienced these feelings since I was a kid and it's hard to explain the actual feelings.
Last year I had one of the worst anxiety episodes I've ever experienced.
December 14, 2012 one of the most horrific things, I think in the history of the world, happened.
Sandy Hook Elementary.
I don't even think I need to explain further because everyone knows what happened. Everyone knows what that day was. I had a very hard time processing what happened there for some reason. I still to this day don't really know why. Maybe it's because I have a little brother in elementary school who I love more than anything. Maybe because I know how losing a child can hurt a family so deeply there are no words in the English language that can define it. Whatever it was, it put me in a strange tailspin. I literally could not leave the house. I didn't want my brother to leave the house.
Right around this time my family planned a trip up to Salt Lake City to go see the lights around Temple Square. I panicked. It's my favorite thing in the entire world. The thing I look forward to most about the Christmas season...and yet I was prepared to miss it. I couldn't go. We would take a train and be around all these people and something terrible was sure to happen. My heart was heavy and my anxiety was incredibly high. I decided to attempt to go even though I did not want to.
I'm very glad I did.
There was a beautiful peaceful spirit there that I can't even really put into words. The flag was flying at half mast which was sad but seeing that flag in such a peaceful place for some reason put such peace in my heart. I knew the love our Savior has for us. I knew that our Savior was there to welcome those sweet babies home. I was reminded of the Christmas song "I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day" that says
"And in despair I bowed my head: 'There is no peace on earth,' I said 'For hate is strong, and mocks the song of peace on earth, good will to men.' Then pealed the bells more loud and deep: 'God is not dead, nor doth He sleep; the wrong shall fail, the right prevail, with peace on earth good will to men."
Terrible, evil, heartbreaking, senseless. Yes, it was all of those things but we can not forget that there is good in the world. Wonderful, good, heartwarming, perfect love. After that I felt a lot better. I know it seems strange that I'm linking these two things together and I didn't mean for this to be a post about me and my anxiety. These two experiences were just incredibly linked for me.
This is still an event that weighs heavy on my heart. Just 2 weeks ago I was in the bathroom sobbing thinking about these families who have to remember it everyday. Especially with the one year anniversary so close. It should be noted that I am a HIGHLY sympathetic person. I have experienced things that were so incredibly difficult so I think it makes me more in tune with the struggles of others (although crying while half naked after a shower for seemingly no reason is a low point for me) and then a friend of mine posted this beautiful video on Facebook that I'd like to share with you.
Evil did not win. Evil never wins. No matter what you're going through or how hard it seems....you can do it. You are stronger than you could ever imagine. I promise that you'll get through it and you'll look back and think "dang....I'm amazing". Life hurts us. No one is immune. It may not be to the extent of something like Sandy Hook. It doesn't have to be to be painful. Sometimes it's the quiet sadness, loneliness, sneaky pain that you can't even describe that hurts the most. You can overcome it. I know you can because I've experienced it too. Believe in good. Believe in strength. Believe in love. One of my all time favorite quotes comes from the movie "Love Actually" which is definitely one of my all time favorite movies as well.
"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the plans hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around."
And just in remembrance of those who lost their life that day I just want to share one of the most beautiful tributes I saw during that time.
P.S. If you ever need anyone to talk to....I'm a pretty good listener. My comment box and email are always open. :)