A Bad Beginning...A Better End

I had the worst beginning of a week ever. I went to work Sunday night. Things were busy but they were going ok. I had this patient who I had been taking care of for quite some time. She had come in for an ankle fracture and when they went to do her surgery she had coded while on the operating table. They figured she had had a stroke. She ended up being in the ICU for about a week to 2 weeks and then she was transferred back down to our floor. I had gotten to know her sister and her family that frequently came up to stay with her. Because of her stroke she wasn't doing very well...she was unresponsive and didn't move around on her own. Well Sunday night when I went in there to take care of her again she had been doing a lot better. She had been responding to questions, moving around on her own, following commands. I went in to take her morning vitals and everything was fine. I left her room and went into another. 9 minutes later her sister came out and said..."I don't think she's breathing". So we ran in there and she was totally unresponsive. We started chest compressions, got the crash cart, and called a code blue. I was in there helping for awhile but ended up going back out with her family. Her sister was sitting at the nurses station crying and I was doing my best to comfort her. 30 minutes later- the doctor came out and told us she was dead. I was floored. I had JUST been in there. What didn't I see? What could I have done? We are taught that when a patient dies you have to check out and be there for the family. It's their time to mourn, not yours. You have to check your emotions at the door which can be a very difficult thing to do. I still had work to do though and so I finished and came home. I started bawling almost immediately. I emailed my Grandma (who is a retired nurse) to talk to her about her experiances...all the time while wiping tears and snot from my face. I could not stop thinking about her and her family. Unfortunately I had to go back to work Monday night. I was dreading it. I was sick to my stomach all day. How could I go and work in that place where that had happened. It was one of those things where you leave and you see all these people just going about thier usual business and you think "how can you be normal when this horrible thing happened?" and then you realize that this happens every minute of every day. Someone loses someone they love. We don't ever think about that though. It was kind of a daunting thing. It made me think about his quote from the movie "Shall We Dance".

“We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? You need someone to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. Someone to say 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'.”

It has really made an affect on my life. I will never forget it. I will never forget that womans name or her family's faces.
Monday night at work one of the clinical managers let me take blood (even though I'm technically not supposed to yet). I think she felt bad about my horrible night. Well it didn't necessarily make up for it but it was still totally awesome.
On one hand I hope that I will get used to this. On the other- when you stop feeling emotion when things like this happen just because you are "used" to it...doesn't that make you less of a human?
It will be an interesting journey to find out the answer to that question.

Just Dance

Dancing With the Stars is back! Yay! (insert happy face)
This show is so entertaining for me....I think they have some really good contenders this year.

Derek Hough and Lil Kim (Rapper)
She's actually really good...although she did dedicate her first performance to all the girls she knows in the ladies detention center...how classy.


Mark Ballas and Shawn Johnson (Olympic Gymnastics Gold Medalist)
She is such a cute girl! And I thought she did really well.


Julianne Hough and Chuck Wicks (Country Singer)
These two are a couple in real life and watching them dance together is very interesting...the dynamic of them. I hope they do well because I am a huge fan of him.


Tony Dovolani and Melissa Rycroft (Jilted Bachelorette)
Yes it is that very Melissa! I am very excited about this. She only got cast on Saturday because Nancy O'Dell had an injury...she only had 2 days to practice and she was VERY good.

Those were my favorite couples....I hope it's a good season!

He Loves Me...He Loves Me Not

Tonight the LB (little brother) came down to get something from the bathroom. He started taking it upstairs and the conversation proceeded from there...
Me: "Kian...what are you doing? Are you going to bed?"
LB: "Yes."
Me: "Well then come say goodnight to me"
LB: "Umm...I'll say good night to you.....(long pause)...tomorrow."

Thanks Buddy.

So excited to start watching Dancing With the Stars...I need something to fill the vast and empty void that The Bachelor left me with. I also start working more hours at the hospital this week. I will start working 2 12 hour shifts and 2 8 hour shifts a week instead of just working 3 8 hours...wish me luck!

Everything's Amazing...Nobody's Happy

Please watch this
And then be grateful for the AMAZING things we have.
Oh and you can laugh too.

Toast with a Song

I have a secret. I own something that I would be slightly embarrassed to bring with me into a home with a significant other. In fact...not many people know I own it. Since I don't really care about my dignity I thought I would share with you this dirty little secret of mine.


My Cinderella toaster.


Yes I am 22 almost 23 years old and I own a princess toaster. Here is my defense.
1. It is SO cute!
2. The toast comes out PERFECTLY!
3. When the toast pops up it plays a princess song...entertainment!
4. It imprints an actual Cinderella slipper on the actual toast!...fun!

Obviously I am easily entertained. But also in my defense they obviously market this product to adults. What kid sits on Santa's lap and asks for a toaster??? (Actually when I was a kid if this had been around...I might have- but only as a second resort to Zack Morris's love).
This morning I was feeling like toast. Not just any toast... oh no no no....princess toast. So I pulled it out of the cabinet where it hides safely so no one can see it. I popped my bread in and waited in anticipation.

Then I heard the magical pop noise and the familiar tune. Voila! Perfect toast!


I slapped some peanut butter and some banana on that and it was fabulous!

Plus the whole process just put me in a way better mood.
So there ya go. My secret. Just don't tell any of my future boyfriends until they are so absolutely in love with me that the toaster will seem more cute and quirky than weird.

Will You Accept This Rose?

The Bachelor. I have watched every season of this show...as well as The Bachelorette seasons....since the show started in like 2000. It fascinates me. This season was no different. This bachelor Jason Mesnick was from a previous season of The Bachelorette (who was from another season of The Bachelor...anyone sufficiently confused?). He was rejected, went home broken hearted and was the new bachelor. If I was on the show I might actually pray to get jilted so I could have the opportunity of meeting 25 hot guys who want to be in love with me...I'm just sayin. Anyway this season he finally narrowed it down to 3 (after getting rid of some truely heinous women....Megan..that's all I'm gonna say)
He had Jillian, Melissa, and Molly.
I LOVED Jillian

She was cute and fun and just so down to earth...and to top it all off she had a great sense of fashion AND a canadian accent...what more could you want? I actually vowed never to watch the show again when he got rid of her. And by vowing never to watch the show again I pretty much vowed never to watch it again until the following Monday when the next episode aired.
So it was the final two.

Melissa and Molly

I liked Melissa for Jason..I didn't really like her all that much. I thought she was a little lost and insecure (which I'm starting to think is a prerequisite for the show) but she obviously loved Jason and was so good with Jason's son Ty. You could see them as a family.
Molly....I didn't really care for her all that much. Just personally didn't think she was very open and she kind of just seemed aloof most of the time.

In the finale Jason said adios to Molly and picked Melissa.

They hugged, kissed, he asked her to be his wife, they are engaged...happily ever after right?


Not so much.
Jason proposed to Melissa a 9:59. By 10:04 he was breaking up with her, getting the ring back and professing his undying love for who?

MOLLY!

What???
I was floored. It was like an episode of The Bachelor if it was called "Punk'd". I was waiting for Ashton Kutcher to pop up. I didn't really know what to say. I've done some thinking and these are my final opinions. It's true that life and feelings change. It's the real world. I understand that his feelings for Melissa may have been different but what can you expect when you suddenly have to sit back and it is just you 2 with no cameras or fancy dates...of course things are going to change somewhat. What I am most upset about is that just as Melissa said before she stormed off the set after he broke up with her is "You didn't want to fight for Melissa". So true. If Jason's feelings for Molly were that strong then he should have just picked her in the end. He should have had the respect for Melissa not to propose to her. And uh hello Molly! Let's not only have some respect for yourself but also for Melissa before you go macking on the man she JUST BROKE UP WITH. What a homewrecker.

I'm just waiting for him to change his mind about Molly too. I can picture the conversation now....
"Ya know what Molly....I'm really just not feeling it. The chemistry has changed and I would really like to try it out with (fill in the blank name) instead."
I'm thinking he may just work his way through all the girls until he gets to Kari (who he eliminated after the first week)- pretty sure she is ACTUALLY his soulmate.

So word to the wise- when a guy says to you "Will you accept this rose?", don't take him seriously. Because he might just say "Just kidding...I actually meant to give the rose to someone else".
In other news Jillian is the next Bachelorette! (See what I mean?) and I couldn't be happier. I just hope she makes the right decision the first time around.

Dante's Inferno

Has anyone read Dante's Inferno? It's very interesting. It's basically about all the different levels of hell and who will end up there and what will happen in that circle of hell. One night at work another tech and I were comparing the different units of the hospital to the different levels of hell like Dante's Inferno. Last night I got floated to the third floor. Or in other words....Level 8.
Here is a description of the punishment one would experience in a level 8 situation...and I quote
"Eternally walking and tormented. Living in excrement. Stuffed into holes. Heads turned backwards. Boiling tar. Lead capes. Snakes. Flames."
The bold and larger words would be key in the reason why the 3rd floor is level 8. I actually do like that floor in some weird and twisted way. It is the medical/renal/oncology floor...a lot of sadness, depression, and inevitable death. Right around 4 am I experienced my first code blue. Very strange. I kind of felt like I was in an episode of ER. And I felt pretty cool. But it's a lot more real than TV when the patient gets transfered to the ICU and codes again and you just think...wow this person was alive 15 minutes ago and now everything is about to change.
Needless to say it was a long and busy night. I'm hurting from head to toe from running up and down 3 flights of stairs all night....so...it's off to my own version of Level 6 which punishment is "Living in smoking tombs"...in my case the tomb is a bed...my bed to be specific and I will be living in it until 7pm tonight at least.

Wanna Trade?

Oh the joys of football. I LOVE trading time. It is so exciting. Who is going to be traded and for what? It seriously gets me squirming in my seat like a little girl at Christmas. You know those kids who trade baseball cards? It's kind of like that...only with people (sounds strange but it works out). Well Saturday trading day was no different. I had been waiting and waiting to hear what would happen to Matt...as you know Matt Cassel is for sure my favorite football player right now. His story is amazing, he is a great guy, and plays with his heart and soul. Plus he has a great voice...and killer dance moves


All of you know that I am a HUGE hater of the New England Patriots. Probably because I am such a fan of my Colts but also...most of the Patriots are jerks.

Giant jerks.


Some have giant egos to go along with their jerk-ism.


Some love themselves a lot.


One of these guys he who shall not be named... was the QB for this team. He went down in the first quarter of the 2008 season opener


that made for one happy Vanessa.

Not only did this bring a smile to my face but it also brought about the chance for an unknown named
Matt Cassel

to show what he was made of (over 400 yards 2 weeks in a row...only Patriots QB to do that EVER) and lead the team to a 11-5 season...and they said he couldn't do it.


Well the Patriots being the jerks they are put a franchise tag on Matt at the end of the season to prevent him from becoming a free agent.
Then in true Patriot fashion traded him
the Kansas City Chiefs.

Luckily...Matt looks GREAT in red.


I guess it's time for me to become a Kansas City fan (Jen do you know any of those?). A huge bright spot is that I can go back to totally hating on the Patriots. I'm looking forward to a great 2009 season!
Just a little P.S. Can anyone tell me the team that the Patriots were playing when Tom Brady was pummeled to the ground and crippled?
Could it maybe be the Kansas City Chiefs?
I'm just sayin.