Saturday, January 5, 2013

Your Guide to the NFL Playoffs

I was just remembering a time in Jr. High when guys/girls started being friends with each other and we all started saying "I love you" to each other but then we'd say "Well I don't L-O-V-E you but I L-U-V you" which was weird.
I don't know why I'm telling you this.
Hello everyone!  I'm sure some of you are football fans or married/dating/lusting after a football fan so I decided to give you a guide to the NFL play offs coming up.  You're welcome!  Here's a breakdown of the teams so that you can stun in any football situation.

First you should know there are 2 different divisions or "conferences" of the NFL* (*National Football League).  The AFC and the NFC.  AFC is the American Football Conference and NFC is the National Football Conference because we love America which is our Nation.  There are 16 teams in each conference which is a total of 32 teams (yay math!).  One team from each conference will move on through the play offs and ultimately end up in the Super Bowl.  So here are the teams from each conference who are still in the playoffs and everything you need to know about them.

The Baltimore Ravens

Player's Name You'll Hear Most: Ray Lewis, Joe Flacco

The Ravens are pretty lame.  In the past the team has been known as a group of thugs and troublemakers.  I honestly don't know how they're in the playoffs.  If you are a fan/know a fan...I'm sorry.  If anyone brings this team up just talk about how Ray Lewis is retiring at the end of this season.  Don't won't have to keep talking about them for long.  They won't last through the playoffs.

The Cincinnati Bengals

Player's Name You'll Hear Most: A. J. Green

NOBODY knows how they made the playoffs and that's probably what you'll hear most about this team so just nod you're head and be like "yeah I know right!?". A.J. Green is like a lemur when he plays and their quarterback Andy Dalton is a Ginger.  His hair matches an actual Bengal Tiger!!!  How cute is that!?

The Houston Texans

Player's Name You'll Hear Most: J.J. Watts

The Texans look exactly like you imagine Texans to look.  Hyped up, amped up, crazy-eyed.  Remember how in Little Giants when they take ant-acids to look intimidating?  These guys pretty much look like that all the time.  J.J. Watts plays defense and I'm pretty sure he eats puppies for breakfast.  He's a raging lunatic but a phenomenal defensive player.  Just talk about how strong they look and how the way J.J. plays causes all other teams to totes change the way they play offensively.  Then say "Texas Forever!" and you're good.

The Denver Broncos

Player's Name You'll Hear Most: Peyton Manning

We all know how I feel about Peyton.  Losing him was sad as a Colts fan but we're all learning to live with it.  The people of Denver call Peyton the "Mile High Messiah" and that's exactly what he is for them.  He's given Denver fans a reason to live and the team is finally working together nicely as a cohesive unit.  In my opinion they have a great chance of making it to the Super Bowl this year.  Just talk about how Peyton is a great leader of the team and how cute their uniforms are.

The Indianapolis Colts aka The Good Guys aka The Best Team in the World.

Player's Name You'll Hear Most: Andrew Luck (also Chuck Pagano...the coach) babies.  This season we are a team with a beautiful story to tell.  I mean like "Friday Night Lights" worthy.  Our coach Chuck Pagano was diagnosed with leukemia right after the season started and last Sunday was his first game back after being told he was in remission.  As he walked onto the field with tears in his eyes, he received a standing ovation.  It was PERFECT.  The Colts are in the playoffs by willpower and healthy dose of luck...ANDREW LUCK!  Ha!  Get it!?  He's the Quarterback so.....yeah.  Luck.  Anyway just talk about how sweet the story is and make lot's of those Luck jokes.  They're a real hit.

and finally.....the worst.
The New England Patriots

Player's Name You'll Hear Most: Princess Tom Brady

They are a team.  The play football.  Nobody cares.
Talk about Tom Brady's Ugg commercials (that never make ANY SENSE) or his terrible choice in hairstyles.  You can also talk about how creepy their mascot is. If all else fails just Google "Tom Brady, water slide".  No one will care at all about football after that.

The Minnesota Vikings

Player's Name You'll Hear Most: Adrian Peterson

The Vikings really want to make it to the playoffs so all the other teams will stop picking on them.  They are slightly justified in this feeling since they had to deal with Brett Favre ruining their lives for a hot minute a couple years ago.  Adrian Peterson is currently very close to breaking the record for most running yards ever.  Like....ever.  Just talk about that and how he is the Vikings only hope of making it any further in the playoffs.

The Green Bay Packers

Players Name You'll Hear Most: Aaron Rodgers

The Packers always make games exciting....and easy on the eyes...yeah I'm talking to you Aaron Rodgers......dreamy dreamy Aaron Rodgers...
anyway.  Everyone gets so hyped up during these games because you never know what's gonna happen.  You probably won't have to talk at all.  Just go with the adrenaline!

The Atlanta Falcons

Players Name You'll Hear Most: Matt Ryan, Julio Jones, Roddy White

Another team no one expected to be in the playoffs.  Everyone is kinda just like "OMG LIKE WHAT???".  In fact you could probably just keep saying that over and over no matter what happens.

The Washington Redskins

Players Name You'll Hear Most:  Robert Griffin III aka RG3

RG3 is pretty much the golden boy of the NFL right now and you'll hear his name no matter what game you're watching.  The Redskins and him make a good team and they have potential.  Just talk about how happy you are that he's better after his injury and what a good player he is.  And always refer to him as RG3.

The Seattle Seahawks

Players Name You'll Hear Most: Russell Wilson

They are a team full of all-American boy next door types.  Their uniforms are super cool.  Seattle fans are like totally cray cray so just go with that.

The San Francisco 49ers

Name You'll Hear Most: Jim Harbaugh

The 49ers work really well together all because of their coach Jim Harbaugh.  He basically saved them from complete destruction.  They are a good team and good guys and also have a really good chance of going further.  Talk about how far the team has come and how glad you are they are back in it.  49ers fans are like...old faithful and super loyal.

So to sum it all up:
Teams we L-O-V-E
Packers, Colts, Broncos

Teams we L-U-V
49ers, Redskins

Teams we wish had been pushed off the fiscal cliff:

That's pretty much all you need to know.
Also this.

Now you don't have to Google it.
You're welcome.

1 comment:

Emily said...

That waterslide thing is the BEST. THE. BEST.

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