9:14 pm

I am a strong woman.  I am fiercely independent.  My bones rarely crush under the weight of loneliness.  But then, every so often, my thoughts drift to you.  I re-read our conversations from the day.  I let myself imagine the world we could have had.  I let myself drown in possibility and wasted time.  I bruise my knees while begging for another chance.  Wishing for a future.  

What are the right words to say.  How do I tell you that I am ok until Sunday night at 9:14 pm when I reach across my bedsheets and wish they were filled with you.   

So I am still strong.  I am still fiercely independent.  But sometimes, just sometimes, at 9:14 pm my heart melts between my fingers and suspends frozen as I hold it back from breaking open right in front of you.  Scared to say too much.  Scared to say too little. I miss you. I loved you.  I love you.  The cursor moves forward and then back.  Not tonight.  Don't do it tonight.  Don't ruin this with your sentimentality.  Don't spill your emotions all over the perfect portrait you've created.  Maybe tomorrow.  Maybe Wednesday.  Not in the sweet swirling nostalgia of a Sunday night.  Sunday nights are for soft edges of lies, not the hard corners of truth.  Maybe Thursday or Saturday or next month or on your birthday or at Christmas. Just any time but tonight.  

"headed to bed. good night."

"night"

Gatsby had his green light.  The hope.  The possibility.  The longing.  

My green light is a red notification and buzz of my phone.  

And wishing for endless Sunday nights. 

Losing My Religion

 This is something I've wanted to write about for a long time but haven't even known where to start.  I think about it all the time.  It's always there like a pebble in my shoe.  Small enough that you can ignore it at times but big enough where you always know its there.  And that thing is my relationship with the LDS church.  More than that for me is the evolution of my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  However, whenever someone decides not to be active in the church anymore - everyone has a lot to say about it but no one wants to actually ask the person.  

I know for those who are not familiar with the LDS church a lot of this might be confusing.  I want to share my own experiences while being very clear that I love the foundation of religion the LDS church gave me.  I love the community of the LDS church.  I love the friendships that I cultivated in the LDS church.  This is not a "Mormon bashing" post so if that's what you came for - this isn't the post for you.  This is my personal journey with my spirituality in general that the LDS church just happens to be a part of.  However - I did not stop going to church because I am offended.  I am not bitter.  I hold no hate in my heart for the church.  I've seen many people be disregarded or people write them off after they are no longer active.  "Well this person just hates the church" "They're just bitter or offended".  Absolutely not true.  And my thoughts, feelings, and spirituality are still just as valid as anyone who is still an active participant in the church.

My reason for not remaining active is simple: I could no longer sit next to the same people I saw calling women sluts for having abortions, supporting systemic racism, supporting sexism, being disgustingly bigoted and hateful towards the LGBTQIA community, refusing to help the poor 6 days of the week and then attending a church which teachings go directly against all of those things on Sunday.  

When did saying you're part of the church become more important than acting like it?  When did we decide we were better than others because of our religion.  When did we decide that free agency - the very foundation of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints - didn't actually apply to everyone.  

These feelings increased exponentially during the Trump administration.  The support for such an evil human being by members of the church (in mild cases - solely for the topic of abortion, in more extreme cases because of QAnon) was so disheartening.  But, I loved my church.  I loved the foundation it gave me.  I love how I felt when I read my scriptures.  I loved feeling close to my Heavenly Father.  So what did I do?  Did I continue to go and support a system I felt went directly against Christ's teachings just to say I was?  Just to appear to be the good girl I had always been?  Or was there another way?  

I first went extreme.  I left.  I was out.  I was completely done.  I did all the things I had been taught I would go to hell for doing.  Not only was I done with the church but I was done with Christianity.  I still believed in God and Jesus.  But I didn't want anything to do with any sort of religion.  I think I almost had to do it that way so I could rebuild a relationship with my Heavenly Father on my own terms.  

Once I got that out of my system (in my 30's - its not cute) I started re-evaluating.  Ok, which parts of what I'd been taught my whole life did I really feel good about?  How did I feel when I started reading the scriptures again?  What was praying like?  I started really focusing on myself, my mental and spiritual health, and what I wanted.  I WANTED to have a relationship with God and my Savior.  I wanted to keep reading the Book of Mormon.  I wanted to keep praying.  I prayed and prayed and prayed.  I felt so guilty for my feelings.  I begged Heavenly Father to forgive me.  To still love me.  And guess what?  I had so much peace.  I felt the Lord telling me it was ok.  That of course He still loves me.  And even more than that - He was proud of me.  He was proud of the way I defended others.  He was proud of the deep love I have for those around me - no matter who they are, what they believe, who they love, or how they live their life.  And I have NEVER in my life felt closer to them.  

Lauren Daigle has a song called "Losing My Religion".  The first time I heard it I cried.  Because it touched every part of my soul I had been wrestling with.  

"I've been an actor on the stage, playing a role I have to play

I'm getting tired, it' safe to say, living behind a masquerade]

No more performing out of fear, I'm trying to keep my conscience clear

It all seems so insincere, I'd trade it all to meet You here.

I'm losing my religion, light a match and watch it burn 

To Your heart I will return, no one can love me like You

So why would I want a substitute

I'm losing my religion to find You. 

I'm losing my religion and finding something new

Cause I need something different and different looks like You

I'm losing my religion to find You."

I had stopped seeing my Heavenly Father in the church.  I had to leave to find Him again.  And I did. 

I don't hate the church.  I don't hate the people in it.  If anything I feel sorry for them that so many fail to see the hypocrisy of their actions.  That they are failing to see that identifying as something different or living life a different way isn't a sign of the times, but failing to love and accept people is.  It's not the people outside the church we were warned about in the latter days - it was the ones in it.  The ones in it who have forgotten the very basic teachings of Christ - love others as you love Him, when you've done it unto the least of these you have done so unto Him. love God, love your neighbors (no matter who your neighbors are or what they do).  

I'm not perfect.  But I am at peace and have never had a stronger with relationship with the Lord.  I lost my religion, but what I gained is so much more. 

And yes I’m in therapy dealing with some of the trauma of the teachings of the church. A lot of the teachings messed me up. But that’s a private conversation. 

*if you have any questions, I am happy to answer anything but I won't trash the whole LDS church.  I still respect it just as I do with all churches.