To the man who will love me someday,
I don't know who you are right now and that's ok. I just wanted to give you some advice before you sign up for me. We both know I'm pretty cool and that's probably why you like me. However, there are some things you should know about me. The times when I am a little less cool.
I will have rough days. I don't know if you've ever lived with someone who suffers from anxiety. I don't know if you've ever had to come home and comfort a person you love from an invisible monster that lives inside them. If anxiety were a visible illness, you could see the scars from the battles I fight on a daily basis and the bruises from when my anxiety is beating me up inside. You can't though. You just have to trust I'm fighting every day to be the best version of myself for me and for you.
If I'm really honest with myself, I'm not even sure you exist. I'm not sure there is such a person who would be willing to sign up for the mess I can be sometimes. The thought of that type of relationship is exciting but also terrifying. My fear is that everything that comes with the human being that is me is going to drive you away someday. That even if I do ever meet you, that you won't stay around for very long. I can't control it. And that scares me too. I understand most of the time it's the anxiety being fearful, telling me I'm not worthy of the love of someone. I know anxiety is a liar. I am worth being loved. In fact, the blessing and curse of being able to feel things so incredibly deeply means that I will love you deeply. My passion, compassion, and empathy will make me a great partner and great mom to the kids we may have someday. I just need to be reminded of that on the days when I'm overcome by the anxiety.
I'm sorry that sometimes I will lack the ability to use my words. I will wish I could explain to you why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling and what drives me into feeling that way. Nine times out of 10 I can't pin down the reason. Sometimes all I can do to help is share articles written by others who have gone through the same thing.
One last thing...I know this will affect you. I know you'll want to help but you might not be able to. I know it can be frustrating. A lot of times my anxiety can come across as needy, pushy, obsessive. Please take the extra time to understand why I'm acting that way and know me well enough to know I would never do any of that intentionally. Many of the things I say and do should be attached with the hashtag "anxiety". Laugh with me on the good days, let me cry on the bad ones. I have other things about me that you'll also inevitably find annoying - the loud volume and voice I use to listen to rap music, my loud laugh ,the times I may take too much Benadryl and get a little weird...
as long as the anxiety doesn't make you run away, we can work through the rest of the things too.
xoxo
Ness
