Your Guide to the NFL Playoffs

I was just remembering a time in Jr. High when guys/girls started being friends with each other and we all started saying "I love you" to each other but then we'd say "Well I don't L-O-V-E you but I L-U-V you" which was weird.
I don't know why I'm telling you this.
Hello everyone!  I'm sure some of you are football fans or married/dating/lusting after a football fan so I decided to give you a guide to the NFL play offs coming up.  You're welcome!  Here's a breakdown of the teams so that you can stun in any football situation.

First you should know there are 2 different divisions or "conferences" of the NFL* (*National Football League).  The AFC and the NFC.  AFC is the American Football Conference and NFC is the National Football Conference because we love America which is our Nation.  There are 16 teams in each conference which is a total of 32 teams (yay math!).  One team from each conference will move on through the play offs and ultimately end up in the Super Bowl.  So here are the teams from each conference who are still in the playoffs and everything you need to know about them.

AFC
The Baltimore Ravens

Player's Name You'll Hear Most: Ray Lewis, Joe Flacco

The Ravens are pretty lame.  In the past the team has been known as a group of thugs and troublemakers.  I honestly don't know how they're in the playoffs.  If you are a fan/know a fan...I'm sorry.  If anyone brings this team up just talk about how Ray Lewis is retiring at the end of this season.  Don't worry...you won't have to keep talking about them for long.  They won't last through the playoffs.

The Cincinnati Bengals

Player's Name You'll Hear Most: A. J. Green

NOBODY knows how they made the playoffs and that's probably what you'll hear most about this team so just nod you're head and be like "yeah I know right!?". A.J. Green is like a lemur when he plays and their quarterback Andy Dalton is a Ginger.  His hair matches an actual Bengal Tiger!!!  How cute is that!?

The Houston Texans

Player's Name You'll Hear Most: J.J. Watts

The Texans look exactly like you imagine Texans to look.  Hyped up, amped up, crazy-eyed.  Remember how in Little Giants when they take ant-acids to look intimidating?  These guys pretty much look like that all the time.  J.J. Watts plays defense and I'm pretty sure he eats puppies for breakfast.  He's a raging lunatic but a phenomenal defensive player.  Just talk about how strong they look and how the way J.J. plays causes all other teams to totes change the way they play offensively.  Then say "Texas Forever!" and you're good.

The Denver Broncos

Player's Name You'll Hear Most: Peyton Manning

We all know how I feel about Peyton.  Losing him was sad as a Colts fan but we're all learning to live with it.  The people of Denver call Peyton the "Mile High Messiah" and that's exactly what he is for them.  He's given Denver fans a reason to live and the team is finally working together nicely as a cohesive unit.  In my opinion they have a great chance of making it to the Super Bowl this year.  Just talk about how Peyton is a great leader of the team and how cute their uniforms are.

The Indianapolis Colts aka The Good Guys aka The Best Team in the World.

Player's Name You'll Hear Most: Andrew Luck (also Chuck Pagano...the coach)

Ahh...my babies.  This season we are a team with a beautiful story to tell.  I mean like "Friday Night Lights" worthy.  Our coach Chuck Pagano was diagnosed with leukemia right after the season started and last Sunday was his first game back after being told he was in remission.  As he walked onto the field with tears in his eyes, he received a standing ovation.  It was PERFECT.  The Colts are in the playoffs by willpower and healthy dose of luck...ANDREW LUCK!  Ha!  Get it!?  He's the Quarterback so.....yeah.  Luck.  Anyway just talk about how sweet the story is and make lot's of those Luck jokes.  They're a real hit.

and finally.....the worst.
The New England Patriots

Player's Name You'll Hear Most: Princess Tom Brady

They are a team.  The play football.  Nobody cares.
Talk about Tom Brady's Ugg commercials (that never make ANY SENSE) or his terrible choice in hairstyles.  You can also talk about how creepy their mascot is. If all else fails just Google "Tom Brady, water slide".  No one will care at all about football after that.

NFC
The Minnesota Vikings

Player's Name You'll Hear Most: Adrian Peterson

The Vikings really want to make it to the playoffs so all the other teams will stop picking on them.  They are slightly justified in this feeling since they had to deal with Brett Favre ruining their lives for a hot minute a couple years ago.  Adrian Peterson is currently very close to breaking the record for most running yards ever.  Like....ever.  Just talk about that and how he is the Vikings only hope of making it any further in the playoffs.

The Green Bay Packers

Players Name You'll Hear Most: Aaron Rodgers

The Packers always make games exciting....and easy on the eyes...yeah I'm talking to you Aaron Rodgers......dreamy dreamy Aaron Rodgers...
anyway.  Everyone gets so hyped up during these games because you never know what's gonna happen.  You probably won't have to talk at all.  Just go with the adrenaline!

The Atlanta Falcons

Players Name You'll Hear Most: Matt Ryan, Julio Jones, Roddy White

Another team no one expected to be in the playoffs.  Everyone is kinda just like "OMG LIKE WHAT???".  In fact you could probably just keep saying that over and over no matter what happens.

The Washington Redskins

Players Name You'll Hear Most:  Robert Griffin III aka RG3

RG3 is pretty much the golden boy of the NFL right now and you'll hear his name no matter what game you're watching.  The Redskins and him make a good team and they have potential.  Just talk about how happy you are that he's better after his injury and what a good player he is.  And always refer to him as RG3.

The Seattle Seahawks

Players Name You'll Hear Most: Russell Wilson

They are a team full of all-American boy next door types.  Their uniforms are super cool.  Seattle fans are like totally cray cray so just go with that.

The San Francisco 49ers

Name You'll Hear Most: Jim Harbaugh

The 49ers work really well together all because of their coach Jim Harbaugh.  He basically saved them from complete destruction.  They are a good team and good guys and also have a really good chance of going further.  Talk about how far the team has come and how glad you are they are back in it.  49ers fans are like...old faithful and super loyal.

So to sum it all up:
Teams we L-O-V-E
Packers, Colts, Broncos

Teams we L-U-V
49ers, Redskins

Teams we wish had been pushed off the fiscal cliff:
Patriots

That's pretty much all you need to know.
Also this.

Now you don't have to Google it.
You're welcome.

Friday Letters

Dear Eli Manning and the Giants,
You know what you must do.
Sincerely,
Vanessa (and Colts fans alike)

Dear Rachel McAdams,
If I woke up from a coma and Channing Tatum told me he was my husband...I wouldn't question it.  Get it together!
From,
Vanessa

Dear people,
I had to do my laundry at the Laundromat so...some of us have real problems.
(pictures to come)
Vanessa

Dear J. Lo,
Gurl!  What is up with your make up on Idol this year??  Let me help you!
Sincerely,
Vanessa (who is still pre-selling for Lancome's gift with purchase...I'm just saying)

Dear Tom Brady,
Gurl!  Get ready to lose to the Giants.  Again.
Love,
Vanessa

Dear Readers,
Hopefully we'll still be able to see each other next week....I'll be cheating on you with work.  All day every day....let's do this Lancome.  Have an amazing weekend!!!
xoxo,
Vanessa

Friday Letters

Dear Glee,
Thank you for finally getting it right.  Congrats on the first good episode in the last 1 1/2 seasons.
I wish I could quit you.
Vanessa

Dear Damian Rice,
Thank you for being so perfect.
Love,
Vanessa

Dear "The Virgin Diaries",
I laughed, I cried, I threw up in my mouth.  Welcome to the club....you can have a seat right over there in between "Teen Mom 2" and "Toddlers & Tiaras"
Sincerely,
Vanessa

Dear "Neverland" on SyFy,
OMG.  Best thing I've watched on television hands down in the last....forever!
Thank you,
Vanessa

Dear Tom Brady,
Stop crying....it's just hair.  Your magic ponytail will grow back someday.  Until then....you're still a douche.
Always,
Vanessa

Dear Little Brother,
Thank you for making me laugh every single day.  You are my favorite and my best.
I love you,
Nini

Dear Readers,
Have an amazing weekend!!!  Only a couple more weeks until Christmas...and Hanukkah is coming up here soon isn't it?  Have you finished your shopping?  More importantly what did you get me?  If it's not Bradley Cooper then....just go ahead and keep it.
Thank you all for being the best.
xoxo,
Vanessa

*most of these letters were about television shows....I have no secrets when it comes to my priorities.

Friday Letters

Dear people who use public restrooms,
Don't give me a mean look when I use the handicap stall.  My handicap is on the INSIDE.
From,
Vanessa

Dear Gossip Girl,
The best part about you is how nothing makes sense.
It's really hard for me to not sign this "xoxo, Gossip Girl"
Vanessa

Dear Starbucks,
PEPPERMINT HOT CHOCOLATE GET IN MY BELLY!
I've missed you.
Vanessa

Dear world,
Let's try and show more respect for our soldiers and less for our "celebrities"
Regards,
Vanessa

Dear Ben Roethlisberger,
Too bad you can't throw a pass as long as your last name.
Sincerely,
Vanessa

Dear Readers,
Enjoy your weekend!!!!  You're the greatest!
xoxo,
Vanessa

Friday Letters

Dear Lancome,
Thank you for making the BEST red lipstick of all time.  Too bad this doesn't make up for having to work gift with purchase time.
xoxo,
Vanessa

Dear Afrin Nasal Spray,
I know that you and my parents have had your differences...seeing is how they think I have an addiction to you.  But that's just people talkin.  You've saved me from my allergies.
God Bless,
Vanessa

Dear Calypso Southern Peach Lemonade,

If we were the only two things on Earth....I would be absolutely ok with that.
Love with all my heart,
Vanessa
P.S.  I'm highly convinced the Blueberry Muffin Pop-Tart guy invented you....I wish he would stop being so obsessed with me.

Dear Face,
Why do you always get all scrunched up and weird in family photos?  Let's work on this.
Thanks,
Vanessa

Dear Football Season,
Just thank you.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  For everything.
The deepest of love and respect,
Vanessa

And now we come to you....

Dear Tom Brady,
Here we go again.  How's that pony tail working out for you?  Oh what's that?  You're still a tool?  Oh yeah...that's right.
Looking forward to the season with you....
Regards,
Vanessa

Dear Tom Brady

Dear Tom Brady,

I know you were trying your best to avoid me this year.  Looks like your plan failed.  I'll see you and your ponytail in September.

xoxo,
Vanessa

Dear Tom Brady

Dear Tom Brady,

I see you're still fighting masculinity with the addition of the ponytail.  Congrats, you're winning.

Sincerely,
Vanessa

Dear NFL Quarterbacks (with a note to Tom Brady)

Dear Aaron Rodgers,
Remember that dream I had about you that one time....yeah you know the one.  Let's not let it be for nothing
.

Dear Mark Sanchez,
Even though you ruined my life....you made up for it by ruining Tom Brady's.  You are on the fast track to me having a dream about you too....if that's any incentive for you.

Dear Jay Cutler,
Tom Brady and I were talking and we decided a few things:
1. You are ugly
2. You are a tool
3. We hope you cry when you lose
And when Tom Brady and I are agreeing on things....you know it's bad.

Dear Ben Roethlisberger,
Your name is long and dumb and so is your face.  Also choosing between you and Tom Brady for who I like least would be like trying to chose which way I want to die.

Dear Tom Brady,
Are you going to miss me?  Remember when you lost last week?  That was fun.  In honor of what may be my last letter to you for awhile, I have created a montage of all my favorite pictures of you.

I never said it would be easy.  I just said it would be worth it.
And I certainly didn't say this was the last you'd hear from me. 
xoxo,
Vanessa

Dear Jay Cutler (with a note to Tom Brady)

This a portion of the blog I like to call "Dear Jay Cutler" where I will write a letter to the most whiny quarterback in the NFL...Jay Cutler.

Dear Jay Cutler,

I might actually dislike you more than Tom Brady. Yeah. I said it.



Sincerely,
Vanessa

Dear Tom Brady,

Don't get all cocky with this information. You still create in me the inexplicable urge to dry heave.



Sincerely,
Vanessa

Dear Tom Brady

Dear Tom Brady,

It's really weird because I could have sworn that you were supposed to be a professional football player in the NFL....not a Pantene Pro-V spokesmodel.

Sincerely,
Vanessa

Dear Peyton Manning (with a note to Tom Brady)

Dear Peyton Manning,

You were predicted to give me 22 points in Fantasy Football.  You gave me 7.  SEH-VEN.  It's like I don't even know who you are anymore.

xoxo,
Vanessa

Dear Tom Brady,

Just tell the truth....are they extensions?

Sincerely,
Vanessa

*Side Note: When I announced out loud that I needed to write another letter to Tom Brady, my sister responded with "What else do you do with your life?".  Touche little Ginger.  Touche.

Dear Tom Brady

Dear Tom Brady,

I talked to your mom.  She seemed so confused as to why God would give her such an ugly daughter.

Sincerely,
Vanessa

Dear Peyton Manning (with a note to Tom Brady)

Dear Peyton Manning,

Congratulations on being ranked #8 in the NFL's Top 100 Greatest Players!  I like to think I played a hand in this.

xoxo,
Vanessa

Dear Princess Tom Brady,

You didn't even make Top 20.  Ha ha.

Sincerely,
Vanessa

Dear Tom Brady

Dear Tom Brady,

I don't really think there is anything else to say.

Sincerely,
Vanessa

Dear Tom Brady

Dear Tom Brady,

I may or may not have hired Tonya Harding to take care of a little problem (like your knee) for me.

Sincerely,
Vanessa

P.S. You still look like a douche.

Dear Tom Brady

Dear Tom Brady,

Sometimes I have vivid fantasies that your knee is shattered as you are walking down the street.

Sincerely,
Vanessa

P.S.  Seriously....what is up with the hair?

Dear Tom Brady

This is a weekly segment I like to call "Dear Tom Brady" which will feature a letter I have written to my arch-nemesis, Tom Brady.

Dear Tom Brady,

What is with the hair?  You look like a douchy-er version of Justin Bieber.

Sincerely,
Vanessa