The Bachelor: "Who knew strippers could play baseball?"

Welcome back.  Is this season over yet?  It basically is but they are forcing us to sit through 10 more episodes.  The crazy thing is that we are 5 episodes in and some girls have no business being here.  I'm looking at you Casey S., Blakely, and that one girl who's name I always forget.

We are in Puerto Rico and at least 73% of the girls announce "this is the perfect place to fall in love"....I'm confused because they clearly don't know they are on The Bachelor which is the exact opposite of the perfect place to fall in love.  Nicki gets the first one on one date.  She wants to know what it will be like to date Ben without 10 other girls around....oh! oh! pick me!  I know!  Boring!


I have decided that I would actually kill to be Chris Harrison.  He gets to travel to all these beautiful places for free while simultaneously ruining the lives of people who hate themselves.  I always thought working at Disneyland was my dream job but I'm seriously re-considering.

Release the Bachelor Copter!!!  Nicki has a serious serious case of "crazy face"...all the time.  She's also wearing what is quite possibly the most offensive dress in the history of The Bachelor.

 I also forgot she used to be married....probably because she hasn't been mentioned in the last 3 episodes at all.  Nicki says she's with the man of her dreams. I don't know if he's the man of anyone's dreams but he sure puts me to sleep! Jokes!
If you saw Ben and Nicki from behind I honestly don't think you could tell the 2 of them apart.  I actually think Ben's hair is getting shorter in back and longer up front.  Maybe he's like Pinocchio and every time he tells a lie about owning/running a winery...his bangs grow.

Ha ha ha look at this doofus in a hat....I think his hair may actually be holding it up.

Nicki gets the rose.

The next group date is announced and they realize that Elyse will be getting the next one on one date.  She gets excited and nobody really knows why because she's definitely getting sent home and in the most humiliating way possible: by BEN.
Hey do you guys want to see something really awesome?

You're welcome.

For the group date they go to a baseball stadium.  They are going to play baseball and all the girls are really excited because apparently they were all "born to do this" and they are all "super athletic".  File that in "pointless pieces of information I get on The Bachelor" (aka the entire show).
Lyndzie always looks down when talking to the camera and somehow it makes her look crazier.
Chris Harrison graces us with his beautiful presence and tells us there is going to be a beach party BUT "not all of you will be going"....You can hear one of the girls saying "that's so meeeaaaaaaannnnnn".  This is NOT Glee!  You are not always a winner!  This is reality TV guys!
They have to play baseball against each other to decide which team gets the beach date.  The Blue team does really well in the first but then the Red team catches up real quick thanks to a throwing error...by Ben.  Leave it to him to even suck at this.

Blakely starts doing really well and catching everything that is coming her way (and no I'm not referring to the STD's that she has also caught).  Courtney then states "who knew strippers could play baseball".  And yes...Courtney is the worst but also...kind of the best because she has a point.

Red team wins and the Blue team starts crying.  Ben then refers to their loss like "losing the series".  Yes folks...Ben just compared losing a fake baseball game for time with him to THE WORLD SERIES.  Congratulations Ben....I dub thee Lord of Doucheville.

Blakely is so pissed they lost she starts slipping into her trashy southern accent that she has clearly worked very hard to hide.  What she isn't trying hard to hide?  Her Bob Knight impersonation and her boobs* (*I deeply apologize for using the words "Bob Knight" and "boobs" in the same sentence and for the damage it inevitably caused you)

Ben tells Kacie B. at one point that "all of the women I've fallen for in my life....have never loved me back".  File that into the "pointless pieces of information I already knew about Bachelor Ben" aka....I hope I never really know that much about Bachelor Ben.

After Kacie gets her alone time with Ben (and gets the rose), Courtney starts the ball rolling in her devious plot to ruin all our lives.  She says "Those girls have no idea what I'm capable of". Actually, I think they are pretty aware of it.  She tells Ben they should go skinny dipping later.  Fact: skinny dipping was invented by the creators of Laughing Cow cheese in 1493.  Also it's a terrible but effective way to get a man to think he's fallen in love with you.

Side bar: Casey S. is the best looking girl with the least amount of air time in Bachelor history.  And my credentials as a Bachelor historian can not be questioned* (*yes they can)

It's time for Elyse's date of doom.  There is no way she is coming back from this.  There's a better chance of Kacie's hair staying straight through an entire episode, of Casey speaking more than 2 sentences in a row on camera, Blakely's boobs being real, of Courtney having a pretty mouth, of Ben actually owning a winery, of Rachel being in her twenties....
Ben and Elyse go on a yacht.  Bachelor Yacht!  Ben is exactly like Leonardo DiCaprio in "Titanic" except for the exact opposite.
Elyse says she's done "everything" in her life and that's because she counts living on her own as doing something.  She gave up her job to be here!  I can only imagine it's because she thought Brad would be the Bachelor again.  HOLD THE PHONE!  I just realized that Elyse is a personal trainer.  So she gave up nothing.
Sidebar: I was very very distracted during that portion of their date because I was laughing so hard watching Ben's hair flip around in the wind on the yacht.

Later...they eat dinner. Sidebar: my sister messaged me about this scene and she said "did you notice Ben's clip on bowtie???"...so now all I can think about is how he is a GROWN MAN with GROWN MAN bangs and he had to have a clip on bowtie.

While trying to distract us from his failures Ben brings up the obvious red flag "umm....earlier you said you had accomplished everything you wanted to accomplish...?" and then Elyse shoots herself in the face by saying "I'm sick of being single".
Ben is so uncomfortable during this date it's hilarious.  You can tell he's looking for an excuse to dump her but he doesn't really have one besides the fact that she's clearly too classy for him.

Elyse kind of looks like she could be Ben's crazy older sister who got addicted to meth in high school and ran off to Mexico.   Needless to say...she does not get the rose.
It's important to note that Ben is wearing tuxedo capri pants which are kind of like tuxedo pajamas in the sense that they don't exist and never should.

Courtney pulls a Vienna later in the night and stalks Ben at his room and announces she has lotion in her pocket so already you know that either A.) She's going to murder him or B.) you're going to want to change the channel.
Courtney then pulls out her Royal Flush of Bachelor moves and goes skinny dipping with Ben.  She has pretty much guaranteed a spot in the finals because there is no way Ben is going to turn down a naked model. Ben has needs too!  Really really terrible and gross needs!  She's playing for keeps people and by keeps I mean keeps for a month to help her modeling/actress career before she dumps him and sells the story to In Touch magazine.

Blakely is nervous about getting eliminated and I must say she really has turned herself around.  She tells Ben she keeps a notebook and every day she writes one thing she really loves or respects about him.  I find myself almost rooting for that plucky little stripper "cocktail" waitress.

Rachel is at least 43.  For real.

Courtney brags about her "secret" with Ben and then proceeds to hint to all the girls and get them to start talking about skinny dipping.  Poor Jennifer goes on and on about skinny dipping, not knowing what happened.  Poor, sweet, innocent, dumb, fake red headed Jennifer.

Oh here comes the resident Debbie Downer aka Emily.  She apologizes to Ben for talking crap about Courtney.  She wants him to know that from now on she's only thinking about him and not Courtney and she feels awful she even brought it up.  AND THEN she starts talking about how Courtney is such a weirdo and how she would hate to see him end up with her and so on and so forth.  This girl has a PHD?!  In what?  Committing Bachelor suicide!?  The only worse thing she could have done would be to tell Ben she's a virgin.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

All the girls look terrible

Lyndzie - She's really just floating by

Jamie - speaking of unknown....this is the girl I always forget exists

Rachel - she might be a grandma!

Courtney - she acts all surprised

Casey S. - an enigma

Blakely - one more week

Emily - WHAT!?

Shockwaves erupt at my house.  What just happened?  Jennifer gets eliminated??  Really Ben!?  Jamie is still here but Jennifer is gone?  That is madness.  Complete madness.

Kasey S. is a mute!  She was born without a tongue and she's still around?  Nothing makes sense.  And now Jennifer is asking the one question that bothers me more than any other question on this show "What did I do wrong?".  I hate that the girls on this show immediately blame themselves.  If Ben were in the real world, Jennifer wouldn't even give him a second look.  I am upset.  That was hurtful Ben.  You should be begging her to date you.

Next week: Panama City where Casey S. finally gets some screen time but apparently someone either had to die or she did something naughty to get it.

And just so you feel fully satisfied that Ben is indeed the worst...here is Ben making out with Jennifer moments before sending her home.

*I could have made that smaller but I want his sleaziness all up in your face.  You're welcome.

The Bachelor: "You're a great person ok?"

Oh The Bachelor.  I was really hoping someone else would show up claiming to be in love with Ben.  Chantal?  Michelle?  Ames?  But no.  We are now in Park City, Utah.  Why?  Because Ben claims he wants them to experience the outdoors and love it.  Because the outdoors are such a huge part of his life.  What about what they want Ben?  What about what they like?  You aren't the only one in this relationship you know!
As predicted Kacie B. is having a hard time.  She just wishes she could be going to the grocery store with Ben right now.  She just really loves produce and boring guys ok?!

Rachel aka Bangs McGee gets the first one on one date.
The Bachelor Copter makes its first appearance of the season and Rachel and Ben fly to some river or something.  What is really great about it is that they both talk about how peaceful and and romantic the lake/river is and then it cuts to a shot of like 500 flies flying all around them and that trash filled river.
Rachel has a nose ring.  Nothing really to say about it...just an observation (by having nothing to say I'm foreshadowing for the rest of their date)
Rachel has nothing to say (seeeee?) and it's awkward.  They have an in depth conversation about whether or not Ben was "little winking" or "squinting" and I want to drown myself in the swamp they are at right now.
Even though she sucks Ben takes her to dinner anyway and she finally gets the conversation going by announcing...."this fire is hot".  Very good Rachel!
The producers of the show try to make it sound like she's turning it around but all she's really saying is that she's never really going to turn this around.  She's a "bad communicator" and it has "ended all relationships in the past"....that sounds so promising that Ben gives her the rose..I'm going to say that it's because she makes out with him.  Cynical...perhaps.  Truthful? Yes.

Group date time.  Ben is riding a horse and doing a terrible job at it.  He looks like Billy Crystal in City Slickers.  Lindzi's heart "melts" at the sight of him riding a horse and Courtney drawls "watch out for poop" which is pretty much a metaphor for the entire show.  They are going fly fishing which is the hottest date of all time.

Now boys and girls I'm going to teach you about a strange scientific phenomena.  We call it "The Vienna Effect".  It's when a girl is completely heinous and she is literally covered in red flags and yet a guy just can't get enough of her.  Oh hey Courtney!  Weird seeing you here....
She compares catching fish to catching men (yes really) and she actually does catch a fish and we all get super jealous.
We have a Casey S. sighting!  I don't think she has spoken a word until now...and we get 2 words from her before Nicki interrupts.  I want more Casey S.!  In another Bachelor phenomena....Nicki is always red faced and glassy eyed aka completely sch-wasted.  Ben tells her she has a way of standing out during the group dates which is kind of the same thing as when you get told you have a great personality.

Samantha gets some alone time and announces "I have such crazy feelings for this guy, I feel like I should already have a ring on my finger!"....woah...slow down there killer.
Ben completely shuts her down.  She must be acting nuts when the cameras aren't around because Ben is becoming animated and angry like we've never seen before.  He tells her that on the group dates she's highly emotional and he can't justify giving her a one on one date because he doesn't think she's really serious about him and so she makes this face...

Then Ben says it's time to just end it and she needs to leave.  I really wish they would have shown what actually  happened because we barely saw this girl and now Ben is straight up going off on her.
Samantha goes to get her stuff and say good bye and the girls offer her some really heartfelt words
"you're a great person ok??"
ugh.
What I don't understand is that if he felt that way...why didn't he get rid of her last week and keep Shawntel?  HUH BEN????
Courtney gets the rose on the group date and all the girls have fantasies of drowning her in the pool of the Waldorf- Astoria.

Jennifer gets the next one on one date.  They repel down a cave or something...I don't know, I'm only half paying attention at this point because I have real problems like how I only have one diet coke left in the fridge.
BUT THEN Ben makes a statement that makes me want to take that last can of diet coke and throw it at his face (and we KNOW how I feel about diet coke y'all!)
Ben says to Jennifer "you think you'd be able to handle a crazier lifestyle?  The days aren't the same, I never really know where I'm gonna be or what I'm to be doing.  I have to be very flexible and have a relationship that is flexible".....
What?! Do you think you are freaking Brad Pitt or something?! What does he think he's up to that is sooo crazy?  He should be on his knees begging for Jennifer to live his boring life with him.
As Ben is giving her the rose he talks about how he wasn't sure of her.  Again he's giving off the vibe that she's this boring accountant and he's this wild man with all this stuff going on. You fake own a winery Ben, you aren't the most interesting man in the world.

Cocktail party.  Emily gets alone time and in a classic Bachelor move (seriously...you could set your clock to how a season of this show is going to pan out....) she rats out Courtney.  As she starts to do it Ben goes "I don't know who you're talking about and I know you aren't going to throw anyone under the bus".  And then Emily throws Courtney under the bus.  And this angers Ben! And he says "It's probably going to end up being your own demise".  Demise?   Wow...someone thinks highly of himself.  Ben is morphing into a big headed monster.  Who do you think you are?  You'll never be Brad Womack!

In a surprise twist Casey S. announces she's friends with Courtney!  She loves her and tells Emily so!  Casey S. is a freaking wild card people.  We need more of her.
Casey S. immediately goes and tells Courtney what Emily was saying about her.  This is so crazy!  It's like Casey S.  hasn't even been on the show until now...and she may not have been.  I'm not really sure at this point.
Courtney starts Criss Angel "mind freaking" Emily and it immediately starts paying off big in the form of Emily crying and saying over and over that Courtney really gets to her.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Lindzi - in case you forgot...crazy face is still with us

Jaimie - she's venturing into Casey S. territory with lack of screen time on this show

Nicki - she's like Kasie B. in the same way that Leighton Meester is like Minka Kelly.  Similar but not as perfect.

Kacie B. - aka Minka

Elyse - eww

Blakely - remember when everyone hated Blakely?  Courtney's evilness has turned her into just one of the gals.  She was even seen highlighting Emily's hair in the bathroom at one point....wtf?

Casey S. - welcome to the party!

Emily - she's still in the game and a cat fight is sure to be coming next week....

FINALLY Monica the part time lesbian got eliminated.  Amazing that she lasted this long especially after announcing on the first night that she wasn't into Ben and all she wanted to do was make out with Blakely.

Luckily she's from Salt Lake City so really the limo is just gonna drop her off at home.

The show ends with a classic Bachelor moment: Ben says "we're going to Puerto Rico!" all the women cheer but Courtney says "I was just there 2 months ago".  Ha!  Just like Kristin Wiig's character on SNL "I'm the President of Puerto Rico so......"

Next week: Courtney throws down the gauntlet...and by that I mean she takes him skinny dipping.  Sorry girls...you're SOL.

The Bachelor: Where Everyone Freaks Out

Ben and the ladies are headed to San Francisco.  There are a lot of people who live in San Francisco while operating a winery in Sonoma.  Those people are called liars.
Ben meets up with his sister to chat.  Ben and his sister look exactly alike except that his sister has a less feminine haircut.

Emily (aka Eminem) gets the first one on one date.  For their date they are going to climb to the top of the Bay Bridge. CLASSIC BACHELOR MOVE.  This is something the Bachelor does with a girl to create a "deeper emotional connection".  As they start walking up the bridge...Emily starts having a panic attack.  I would be too but it would be because I was just realizing that I was on the Bachelor...with Ben.  Ben gives her a kiss on the bridge which apparently solves all her problems.  The only problem it solved is that it switched her fear of heights to fear of being stuck in a relationship with Ben (at least it should be).

Later they have dinner.  Emily tells Ben about how she was matched with her older brother on an online dating website.  Clearly this is a girl with some emotional baggage and family secrets.  So clearly...Ben gives her the rose.
Ben announces that he could very well spend the rest of his life with Emily.  I'm pretty sure he would propose to a banana if it touched his lips the right way.

Group date.  11 women.  Ben has a "leap list" which apparently is a list of things that commitment phobes make to keep themselves from getting married.  Things they want to do before "taking the leap".  On Ben's list he has written that he wants to ski down a hill of fake snow with a bunch of women in bikinis.  WHO DOESN'T have that on their leap list am I right!?

Rachel gets some alone time with Ben. By alone time I mean that she tells him she's really happy to be here and he starts making out with her.  She's really sticking with those bangs and with the fact that she's 27...we'll agree to disagree.

Meanwhile...tensions are high back at Bachelorette manor.  Brittney gets the next one on one date but she's "torn and confused" about it. She is freaking out.  She only wanted to be on TV!  She didn't know she'd actually have to date Ben!  I can't blame her for these feelings.  This would never happen to Bachelor Brad!
Brittney goes home and not a single care is given.

Lyndzie get's Brittney's sloppy seconds for a date.  They go up to City Hall and the door is locked.  Ben pulls a key out and unlocks the door.  Lyndzie states "I don't know who this guy is but he's amazing".  Gurl!  He doesn't really have a key to City Hall.  YOU'RE ON A TV SHOW.
They go into to City Hall and it's SEAL singing "Kiss From a Rose"!.....no it's not.  That's just what I wished had happened.  It's actually Matt Nathanson and I get the sads because he could be doing so much better.
*Side Bar: Watching Lyndzie and Ben kiss is super gross.  Like "Virgin Diaries" type gross. ALSO Lyndzie's hair and face look cray cray

They go to Ben's favorite "speakeasy" which he didn't even know existed until the producers told him.  Lyndzie reveals that she was dumped by her boyfriend of 1 1/2 years by a text that said "welcome to Dumpsville baby, population you".  So clearly she used to date Spencer Pratt.

CUT TO: Mysterious woman driving down the highway.  She's talking to Chris.  We don't know who she is! She says she was on Bachelor Brad's season!  He was on 17 times!  This tells me nothing!
And finally they reveal its....
Shawntel

And I like her!  She says she has very strong feelings for Ben and I'm confused because I'm all....do they know each other?  I later Googled this and found out that apparently Shawntel watched Ashley's season and developed a crush on Ben and Twittered all about it.  You go girl.

Back at the cocktail party, Courtney toasts to a "drama free night" and then starts a whole bunch of drama.  She's all like "I hate everyone" and does not give an eff.  Models do what they want to!  She does make complete sense when she whisper voices that "Blakely is the kind of girl your boyfriend cheats on you with" which is totally true.  Because boyfriends everywhere are always hooking up with girls who look like horses but make them feel "important".  If you need further proof...just Google the women the Presidents of our nation have cheated with.  Except John F. Kennedy.  He did everything right.
Anyway...bottom line is the girls start to realize that Courtney might be a psychopath.

The best moment of the night comes when Shawntel comes to the cocktail party and walks by the girls.  At first they don't even notice and then they are like "who is that?" and then the freak out begins.
Shawntel comes over to talk to Ben and he is all like "Holy $%@#!"
Elyse has been pulled away from Ben for Shawntel to talk to Ben.  She's so angry and it's so awesome and she makes this face...

Ben and Shawntel talk.  He talks about how they've talked before.  I didn't know that!?  Where?  On one of those Bachelor cruises?  At The Bachelor Pad auditions?  I'm so confused!
By the way...this is not the first time this has happened.  BACHELOR TRIVIA TIME!  During Byron's season (which I'm pretty sure no one watched except for me and my room mate Melissa), they introduced 2 girls from a previous season to be contestants.  One of them was Mary who ended up winning.  And by winning I mean getting punched in the face by Byron and repeatedly getting arrested for domestic abuse.

After talking to Ben, Shawntel goes to talk to the girls.  You remember the hyenas from "Lion King" right?...

"She's uglier in person" one of them says "you're a _____ loser!" says another.  Women hating other women for no real reason?  Say it ain't so.
Jaclyn the monster face says she's way better than Shawntel.  Umm......ok...?
Emily: "she just rides up on her hearse....no pun intended, and expects a rose?" Shut up.
Courtney: "if Ben gives her a rose....I'm leaving"  BYEEEEEEEEE
Ericka: "her thighs are bigger than mine so that's fine" uuggggghhhhhhhh

Ambiguous blonde girl: "What makes you think you deserve to be here over the girls who have been sent home already?"
Shawntel: "What makes YOU think you deserve to be here over the girls who have been sent home?"
OHHHH Bachelor BUUURRRNNN!

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Courtney - hesitates before accepting and then gives a really mature speech where she says she want him to know that she saw him talking to "what's her butt" and it was a lot to handle.  Ben has no idea what she's saying and just gives her the rose without responding.

Kacie B. - Probably a front runner for me

Elyse - I am not a fan.  *see picture above

Jaimie - Not a single word was uttered (again)

Jennifer - her star is fading

Kasey S. - Who are you????

Blakely - neigh

Monica - ???!!!! How is she still here?  This is disturbing.

Nikki - haven't seen much of her except for her weird emotional break down when Shawntel showed up so....

Samantha - whatevs

Before he hands out the final rose he attempts to say a few words.  Ericka freaks her mind out and basically falls down.  She's a mess and so is her hair.  It's crimped!  CRIMPED Y'ALL.
The girls blame Ericka's situation on Shawntel which makes total sense.  It was Shawntel who was feeding Ericka Xanax and Tequila.
After things get settled, Ben pulls a classic Bachelor move and doesn't give the final rose to anyone.
And I'm angry.  You kept Monica over Shawntel!?  Ericka breaks down into tears and Jaclyn walks out.  The worst part of this is how upset and defiant Jaclyn is.  Have you looked at yourself lately?

I mean...it's pure insanity that she thought she had a chance.

Ben walks Shawntel out and the girls are all relieved because they know and fear the dangers of someone who is better than them.
I'm not sure what Ben was thinking.  My guess is that he sensed the animosity from the other girls and didn't want to cause trouble.  Man up Ben!  I think Shawntel and him would have been great together.
But in true Bachelor form...Ben will pick Courtney.  I'm telling ya.

Next week they will be headed to Park City, Utah which makes me very sad.