"you are a goddamn cheetah."

I like to know the ending of things before I commit to them.  I don't like stories where you find out the bad stuff later.  I think the books should come with a warning.  I don't want the false sense of security only to find out later that your favorite character has been murdered, the couple doesn't live happily ever after, that soylent green is people.
So what I like to do is unpack all my heavy shit right off the bat.  No surprises.  I am not the girl who drinks fruity drinks and flirts casually and tumbles home and falls right to sleep without a care in the world.  I am the girl who consumes dark, gritty, graphic content.  I am the girl who will ask you how many people you've murdered when we meet in a bar (to be fair...he WAS a double Gemini).  I am the girl who goes into her closet and pulls out all the baggage so you can see it before you realize too late that I'm not the girl for you.
I used to worry about that.  I used to think I was too much.  Too intense.
I learned at 9 years old that I needed to shrink myself.  I remember it like it happened this morning.  I was in 4th grade.  I had cut my hair short like Kelly Kapowski in the college years of Saved by the Bell.  I liked the clothes I wore.  I played make believe and rode my bike for hours without a care in the world.  Then the school talent show rolled around.  I was always a performer.  I loved being the center of attention and entertaining anyone who could still still for longer than 2 minutes.  I pulled out costumes and Madonna cassette tapes and my best choreography learned from VH1 music videos (MTV was not allowed).  So when two of the most popular girls in 4th grade (and in my neighborhood) asked me to perform in the talent show with them I knew this was the moment I had trained for.  I was ready.  There were two conditions to my invitation remaining valid
1. I needed to try at let my hair grow because it was way too short to be girly
2. I needed to lose 10 pounds.
That was the first time I went home, looked in the mirror and had any whisperings of anything being wrong or different about me.
Nine years old and trying to figure out how to shrink.  Now I was too loud.  Too big.  Too different.

I think back to that moment and didn't understand how pivotal it was in shaping the next, almost 20 years of my life.  From then on I was dedicated to being the most perfect I could be.  Something about trying to be perfect though is that you will always fail.  So I would fail.  I would not lose 10 pounds in 2 weeks at the age of 9, my hair would still be short, I would not be the star of the talent show.  So I pinched my skin in the mirror so hard it would leave bruises trying to force my imperfection away.  I would lay in bed praying to be skinny or pretty.  I lost all control when my perfect outfit hadn't been washed and I had to wear something I knew those girls would find a problem with and would scream and cry and refuse to go to school.  I stopped playing with my less popular friends even though I had the most fun with them.  I changed my entire personality.  I was no longer the loud performer.  I was quiet.  Agreeable.  Afraid to cause waves.  As a teenager another popular girl I so desperately wanted to like me asked if I liked Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera better.  My obvious choice was Britney.  "Um....well I don't really know...." I stammered.  "Britney Spears is a slut" she retorted.  "Yeah totally" I agreed.  An opinion so inconsequential caused me almost panic because I was so afraid of my own feelings, thoughts, and opinions. I had shrunk myself down to the tiniest of cages in hopes of acceptance.
The first time I made a "controversial" Facebook post I was about 25 years old.  Babies had just been gunned down in their kindergarten class.  My post started "I'm so sorry about this post"  "I know some people will hate me"  "I understand if you want to unfriend me".  Shrinking myself back down into my good little girl cage.  Don't be seen.  Don't be heard.  Don't make anyone upset. Apologize for your feelings.  Beg them not to notice your faults.  Become so small you don't take up any space or exist at all.
Glennon Doyle talks about this in her book "Untamed" (which if you're a woman and have not read - leave this right now, go, I will give you my Amazon account info).  She talks about taking her kids to a safari and the animal keepers introducing them to a cheetah who thought she was a dog.  She was trained with a dog and learned to act like a dog.  To blindly chase after a small reward because that's what she had been trained to do.  She had no idea that if she remembered her wildness for 5 seconds she could tear the animal keeper to pieces and run off into the wild.  She had power.  Because she was not a dog.  She was a goddamn cheetah.
I started remembering my wildness when I started nursing school.  Suddenly, passion had been restored to my life..and I was good at it.  It made sense to me.  It clicked with me.  I came alive again.  I started to embrace my wildness.  I was ok being the one who spoke up in class.  I made jokes instead of waiting for some guy to make a more lame joke and have people think he was hilarious and amazing.  I answered questions.  I challenged myself.  I was unafraid of being wrong.  I was unafraid of being seen.
I had found the loose wire in the cage keeping me non-existent.  I became wild again.  I was a goddamn cheetah.
I graduated with honors.  I got a grown up nurse job.  I advocated for patients.  I spoke up for myself.  I stopped apologizing for my feelings.  I let myself voice my opinions. I embraced the space I took up.  I didn't pinch imperfections in the mirror because I no longer saw imperfections in the mirror.  I saw me.  I saw my thin hair I used to hate and thought of my aunt who has always had thin hair too and seems to be doing just fine.  I saw my eyes which have always been my favorite feature. My nose with the deviated septum just like my dad and my brother.  I would hear my loud laugh and remember my grandma.  I was walking history and ancestry.  I was strength.  I was power.  I was a goddamn cheetah.
I have now made it 30ish years and have become my own hero.  The hero I so desperately needed at 9 years old.  A hero to whisper - "You are not a dog, do not let them put you in that small cage of nothingness.  You are memories.  You are your parents biggest wish come to life....you are a goddamn cheetah."

The Secret Club: My Love Letter to Nursing School

Today was my last official day of school.  I typed that sentence and immediately started crying.  I have no adequate words that could possibly describe what this experience has been for me.  The last time I tried to explain it I finally said "It's like what I imagine falling in love is like".

This has brought me more pain, stress, sleepless nights, heartbreak, and feelings of frustration that anything else.  But it has also brought me more joy, triumph, laughter, and peace than anything else.  I'm going to share a really long excerpt from a book on nursing I read once.  It is by far the closest thing I've ever found to describe what nursing actually is.
"Nursing is among the most important professions in the world. 
In no other profession do people float ably among specialties, helping to ease babies into being, escorting men and women gently into death, and heroically resurrecting patients in between.  There are few other careers in which people are so devoted to a noble purpose that they work twelve, fourteen, sixteen straight hours without eating, sleeping, or taking breaks and often without commensurate pay simply because they believe in the importance of their job.  They are frequently the first responders on the front lines of malady and contagion, risking their own health to improve someone else's.  Nursing is more than a career; it is a calling.  Nurses are remarkable.  Yet contemporary literature largely neglects them.
At 3.5 million strong in the United States and more than 20 million worldwide, nurses are the largest group of healthcare providers.  The women who compromise 90 percent of the workforce are a unique sisterhood whose bonds are forged through the most dramatic miracles and traumas as well as the tedious, routine tastas necessary to keep human bodies functioning.  Nursing, for brave men and women, is "like a secret club that holds immense emotional joy and fulfillment in spite of shared tragedies".  Nurses call the profession a secret club because their experiences are so novel, their jobs so intimate and occasionally horrifying, their combination of compassion and desensitization so peculiar, that they imagine nobody else could understand what it is like to work in their once-white shoes.  
Pop culture would have us believe that nurses play a small, trivial role in healthcare; medical television programs tend to show doctors lingering at patient's bedsides while nurses flit and intone "Yes, Doctor" in the background.  But this is not the case.  "We are not just bed-making, drink serving, poop wiping, medication passing assistants.  We are much more".
They are, for example, reporters.  They discuss and document patient status, serving as the main point of contact for doctors, surgeons, therapists, social workers, and other specialists.  They are watchmen, keeping vigil, meticulously monitoring vital signs, deciphering patients' individual trends and patterns, painstakingly double-checking dosages and medications.  They are detectives, investigating deviations, asking questions, listening carefully, searching for clues.  They are warriors, called to serve at the first sign of outbreak, fighting infection, containing disease.  They are gatekeepers, turning staff members away when patients need a break from procedures, a nap, or a moment to digest their circumstances.  They are scientists, constantly learning, tackling sociology, psychology, physiology, anatomy, pharmacology, chemistry, microbiology.  They are advocates, lobbying physicians for or against procedures, for pain assistance, for a few more minutes of time.  They are teachers, educating patients and parents: how to suction a tracheostomy, change an airway, inject medication, breastfeed a newborn.  They are the muscle, holding patients down to insert or remove tubes or needles, pushing people to get out of bed following surgery, breaking a sweat when performing CPR, lifting, moving, pushing, forcing, turning.  They are confidants, protectors, communicators, comforters, nurturers; easing fears, offering solace, cradling babies whose parents can't be there, consoling loved ones who feel that all hope is gone.  They are multitaskers: supporting, coordinating, and inhabiting all these roles at once.  And they are lionhearted diplomats, helping a patient die with dignity in one room, facilitating a recovery in the next, keeping their composure even when they are shaken to the core."
My heart is filled with so much love and pride at what I have accomplished and the profession I am joining.  Throughout my time I have laughed and joked about how terrible men are with a patient while also comforting a woman who just lost hers.  I have witnessed miracles, humans coming back from death, infants that shouldn't be alive who fight with everything they have.  I have held the hands of a woman experiencing a terrible miscarriage.
I have watched two beautiful baby boys go from tiny and struggling to leaving the hospital in the arms of their parents.

 I have placed tubes and IV's.  I have mixed and hung and passed medications.  I have had to be there when a doctor gives someone a terrible diagnosis.  I have celebrated when a very sick patient recovers and goes home.  I have seen people die.   I have seen people be born.  I have cried and laughed and ached and smiled.

Beyond just the experiences I have had....I have to briefly talk about the family I have created with the people I have experienced all of this with.  My own personal secret club.  The people I can text, "I don't know what I'm doing I am having a nervous breakdown" and they respond that they feel the same way.  The people who I have cried with and laughed so hard I've peed my pants with.  The people I can vent to about anything and they understand.  The people I can talk to about a difficult case or patient and they know exactly how to help me decompress.  I love these people.  These people have my whole heart for my whole life.  I will ache for them so much when I don't get to see them every week.

My instructors have been a constant source of understanding.  More than teaching us technical skills or nursing concepts, they have taught me how to love others.  They have taught me how to fight through hard things.  They have encouraged me and kept me sane.  I am so lucky.
There are too many thoughts and feelings but I just wanted to document what nursing and the last 3 years has meant to me.  When I decided to quit my salary job and go into debt for nursing school I had at least 700 breakdowns and I questioned my decision every day.  It was in the quiet moments of a terrible night while I was on my knees pleading for the Lord to help me understand that I heard a whisper "this is who you are, this is who you are meant to be, this is what I made you for".

The Lord made me to be a nurse.  He made me to advocate and love others fiercely.  He made me to save lives and prepare other lives to pass on to the next life.  I am a nurse.  This is who I was always meant to be...and I'm so glad I was.

Making Weak Things Strong

I haven't updated my blog for a long time.  I think it's because I was feeling like my blog had taken such a serious turn.  I used to post funny fashion blogs, TV reviews...etc.  But I think once you feel comfortable enough to share who you are and be vulnerable...you don't know how to do anything else.  Writing has always been an outlet for me.  I have an entire huge box of journals still packed away in a box in my parent's basement (NOT labeled journals so don't go looking for them Mom!)
I would write every single day.  Some are mundane...others are pages filled with injustices I felt I had experienced.  My preteen years were filled to the brim of injustices....obviously.  But writing helped me get all those feelings out.  So here I am again.  It kind of feels like visiting an old friend.  A friend who knows you completely and is willing to listen to everything you have to say without judgement.  So friend.....let's talk.
I feel like over the last couple of years I have completely transformed myself.  Physically, emotionally, spiritually.  I lost weight, I quit my job and started pursing nursing, I really rooted my testimony.  The last couple of months I have felt myself completely unravel.  There were a couple of experiences that started this feeling in motion.  It started to feel like a tiny ball of snow that started rolling down a hill and became a monstrous thing that I couldn't control.  Honesty?  Yes.  Let's go with honesty....
I lost control of my eating habits.  I felt myself gaining weight.  I could tell I was losing control of something I had been so proud of.   I didn't know how to get it back.
I shut myself out.  I stayed in my room for days alone.  I felt worthless.  I felt like there was no possible way anyone could love me or want to be around me.
I stopped reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, and going to church.
When I say I completely lost control....I meant it.
I have been, in a word, miserable.  But through the power of social media....I have been totally fine.  Bright, shiny, funny, full of life.  I've felt like I've been lying.  Almost like I had possessed the body of who I used to be so I was pretending to be that person but didn't actually know how.  All this was going on while I also watched friendships fall apart, came under a huge amount of financial stress, and had a couple of health issues.  Drowning.  Drowning is the only way I know how to describe it.
Tonight it all came to a head.   I knew I had to make a choice.  I knew I couldn't get anything back by continuing on the same road I had been on.  So I went back to the basics.  And I prayed.
Tonight was the first night I have understood the phrase "broken heart and a contrite spirit".  Every single part of my body inside and out have been hurting.  I apologized to my Heavenly Father for being so weak.  And the scripture came to mind...
"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness.  I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them"
Ether 12:27
We are here to be tried and tested.  We are here for a purpose.  We are here to become strong.  There is nothing wrong with weakness.  Weakness and emptiness allows us the opportunity to become strong.  To be filled with the spirit and love of the Lord.  I came across this picture and it has brought me so much peace

In every single dark moment...there is light.  The light that comes only from our Heavenly Father who knows us perfectly and loves us perfectly. 

I still don't know exactly how to get back to who I used to be....but maybe I'm not supposed to.  Maybe I'm supposed to just keep going and changing and become someone else totally new. 

Someone who is maybe just a little stronger. 

To The Man Who Will Love Me Someday....

To the man who will love me someday,
I don't know who you are right now and that's ok.   I just wanted to give you some advice before you sign up for me.  We both know I'm pretty cool and that's probably why you like me.  However, there are some things you should know about me.  The times when I am a little less cool.
I will have rough days.  I don't know if you've ever lived with someone who suffers from anxiety.  I don't know if you've ever had to come home and comfort a person you love from an invisible monster that lives inside them.  If anxiety were a visible illness, you could see the scars from the battles I fight on a daily basis and the bruises from when my anxiety is beating me up inside.  You can't though.  You just have to trust I'm fighting every day to be the best version of myself for me and for you.
If I'm really honest with myself, I'm not even sure you exist.  I'm not sure there is such a person who would be willing to sign up for the mess I can be sometimes.  The thought of that type of relationship is exciting but also terrifying.  My fear is that everything that comes with the human being that is me is going to drive you away someday.  That even if I do ever meet you, that you won't stay around for very long.  I can't control it.  And that scares me too.  I understand most of the time it's the anxiety being fearful, telling me I'm not worthy of the love of someone.  I know anxiety is a liar.  I am worth being loved.  In fact, the blessing and curse of being able to feel things so incredibly deeply means that I will love you deeply.  My passion, compassion, and empathy will make me a great partner and great mom to the kids we may have someday.  I just need to be reminded of that on the days when I'm overcome by the anxiety.
I'm sorry that sometimes I will lack the ability to use my words.  I will wish I could explain to you why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling and what drives me into feeling that way.  Nine times out of 10 I can't pin down the reason.  Sometimes all I can do to help is share articles written by others who have gone through the same thing.
One last thing...I know this will affect you.  I know you'll want to help but you might not be able to.  I know it can be frustrating.  A lot of times my anxiety can come across as needy, pushy, obsessive.  Please take the extra time to understand why I'm acting that way and know me well enough to know I would never do any of that intentionally.  Many of the things I say and do should be attached with the hashtag "anxiety".  Laugh with me on the good days, let me cry on the bad ones.  I have other things about me that you'll also inevitably find annoying - the loud volume and voice I use to listen to rap music, my loud laugh ,the times I may take too much Benadryl and get a little weird...
as long as the anxiety doesn't make you run away, we can work through the rest of the things too.
xoxo
Ness

Another Post About Anxiety

How we react to physical illness vs mental illness courtesy of Buzzfeed (actually a really great article everyone should read)

I wasn't going to write this and I wasn't going to post it and I wasn't going to share it.  These are my thoughts when I'm thinking about writing or talking about anxiety:

- No one wants to hear this again
- Everyone will think I'm looking for attention
- Everyone will think it's just another sob story
- Everyone will think I'm being dramatic
- No one wants to talk about this

So I think the fact that these are the thoughts I have are the very reason I'm going to go against all of them and do it anyway.  Because if you have any of these thoughts when someone talks about their mental illness or if you feel this way talking about yours...maybe the more we do it the better it will be?  I don't really know.  I don't think anyone does.

There's this really nasty side effect of anxiety that no one talks about.  I've never even talked about it before but it's hit me like a freight train for the last few days and I want to talk about it.
Depression.
I don't know why it seems easier to talk about anxiety for me than depression.  Maybe it's because I've never actually been diagnosed with depression.  BUT here's the nasty thing....severe generalized anxiety disorder and depression hold hands with each other.  This was recently explained to me by my doctor and finally gave an answer to a lot of questions I've had.  Let me start by trying to explain my anxiety a little bit better.  You know how we all learned about flight or fight response?  The way our body reacts to perceived threat?  Heart racing, scared, feeling like you can't breathe a little bit, palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy....(sorry I had to).  In all seriousness....we've all felt the effects of the fight or flight response.  It's not the greatest feeling.  Now imagine feeling that way constantly.  As in 24 hours a day.  I'm not exaggerating when I say that is how I feel. Always.  I do not have a single moment of any day where my heart isn't racing and I'm not anxious about something.  And it's been that way since I was 12 years old.  It wasn't until my doctor told me that's not normal for me to even think it's not because it's my normal.  I actually don't really think about it that often unless someone asks me.  I guess it's not an ideal way to live but it's been the way I've been living for so long that maybe I'm accustomed to it?  So naturally in situations where anyone would be stressed or nervous....my level of stressed/nervous increases even more.  Where my baseline is already "fight or flight"....adding onto that is a lot.  That's usually when I have a panic attack...but not always.  I don't usually know why I'm having a panic attack and I can't usually pin point a trigger.  I'm telling you...it's really frustrating.  Especially when people ask me "well what are you stressed about?".....um....I don't know because I feel this way every day?
Then comes the depression.  And there is a very straight forward and medical answer to why.  Because my body is constantly trying to fight off threats (because my mind perceives everything to be a threat) at some point it just can't handle it anymore.  And it starts to shut down.  Oh hi depression....welcome.
And this is where I've been the last few days.  Struggling to get out of bed.  Feeling completely exhausted and not caring about anything at all.  I know it's just my body's way of coping.  Of giving itself rest because it physically can't handle it anymore.  That doesn't make it easier.  I don't like telling people about this.  I don't like talking about it because it makes me feel like a freak.  It makes me feel like everyone will judge me for it or that I should be strong enough to just get over it.  You just push through it right?  Do it anyway even though it's hard.  Trust me....I would like nothing more.  But when your body has actually literally shut down.....you just can't.  I don't know how people with actual constant depression handle it.  I would like to to say now that you are some of the strongest people I can imagine.  Because this is very very hard...and it only happens to me for a few days every month or 2.
So why am I talking about this?  I don't know to be honest.  Maybe it makes me feel a little better.  I'm an honest person and I think we should talk about things.  Especially the hard things.  When it comes to mental illness a lot of people want to say that we need to treat it better.  We need to provide more help to these people...but then we don't really want to talk about mental illness either because it's someone else's problem.  And that's not how any problems are going to get solved.  There's still so much stigma attached to any mental illness.  I guess if me sharing my experiences helps there to be less of a stigma at all...then I'm all for it.
Because in spite of the depression and the constant anxiety....I'm still me.  I still love sloths, Jurassic Park movies, quoting Taylor Swift lyrics to annoy everyone around me, loud music, crime shows, and laughing so hard it physically hurts.
Because any person who struggles with any sort of mental illness is still a person.  Still trying their hardest and just wants to be loved and accepted like everyone else.  And usually these people worry more about not being loved and accepted because there is something "wrong" with them.  Maybe that's just me but I can imagine it's a little more universal than that.  So all I'm saying is...let's take care of each other as best we can.  Try not to judge before you love.  And let's just help each other get through all the "stuff" good and bad together.

Forgiveness

Something I've learned about myself is that I am quick to reaction. In situations where hurt feelings are involved...I become a little like Michael Scott.

 I like to think it's just because I'm such a passionate person and I feel emotions so deeply but really I think it's also because I can be stubborn...and obviously my feelings are always right.  Growing up, because of the bullying I experienced as a kid, my feelings were invalidated.  I was basically told by other people's actions that my feelings didn't matter.  As I've grown up and developed a voice I have become fiercely defensive of my feelings.  I want to make sure that my feelings are validated.  I don't think there's anything wrong with that but I have learned that instead of jumping to reaction...I need to sit with my emotions for a little while.  Like a stain you need to soak....otherwise instead of solving the problem...you end up making it worse.  
So then the word forgiveness comes to mind.
I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately.
It's easy to look at a situation and see that someone has wronged you, place blame, and then become the "bigger person" by forgiving them.  We've all done it.  However...usually we deserve some of the blame and in my experience...the gift of forgiveness ends up being for us.  By forgiving others we forgive ourselves.  This is a big lesson I've learned in my life but have found a hard time putting it to action.  I used to think forgiveness is magnanimous but really....it's required.
There is a song called "For Blue Skies" by a band Strays Don't Sleep.  Matthew Ryan is the leader of this band and he is a poet.  A guy who uses lyrics and melody like others use words on a page.  To deal with it all.  The heal something inside.  Sometimes...just to tell a story.  The phrase repeated the most in this song is
"I forgive you"
A refrain so simple and gentle and at the same time so powerful and inspiring.  For you and your world.  For me and mine.  "I forgive you".  Add a few solitary piano keys and it becomes heartbreaking.  "I forgive you".  Words we've all needed to hear.  
I believe strongly that forgiveness is circular...not linear.  It does not begin and end.  It is a constant and it's affects are continual.  Forgive someone, heal them, heal yourself.  Rinse and Repeat. 
So many of life lessons we learn as children are basic.  Say "sorry" and forgive.  As we get older situations become more complicated and heartbreak becomes deeper...and it becomes time to change the way we see those lessons.  I'm still learning. And while I am...please forgive me.

Lessons I Learned in 2014

I've been reflecting a lot on what I've learned over the last year.  2013 was a tough year for me and I promised myself that in 2014 I would change a lot.  And I learned many important lessons:

• There is no occasion that doesn't call for red lipstick
• You can live without Diet Coke (I know....I know)
• Sometimes you just need to spend an entire day watching terrible movies on Hallmark
• You will not laugh as much with anyone as you do with your family
• It's important to be thrifty and save money...but never buy cheap foundation, sheets, or razors.
• Don't invest time in people who won't do the same for you
• Take a selfie.  Post it.  Who cares what anyone else thinks.
• Window seats and rainy days are the beginnings of a perfect day
• Celebrate your successes and learn from your failures
• People will always make assumptions about you and most of them will be wrong but you don't have to defend yourself to anyone

I think the biggest lesson I learned and change I made was learning to invest in myself.  I'm a firm believer in the fact that we can't really ever be happy until we love ourselves and accept ourselves for who we are.  I don't think we should be complacent because I think we should always be improving ourselves.  This does not mean we will be perfect.  We have flaws....I certainly do.  I love things too much.  I let things hurt me too deeply.  I sing to Taylor Swift songs way too loud.  I look at pictures of sloths too much.
Just to name a few.
But our flaws are what make us who we are.  Because I love things too much I am able to accept other people's flaws, I might get hurt deeply but at least it means I'm sensitive and I care, and if listening to a Taylor Swift song too loud is the worst thing I do...then I think I'm doing ok.
I embraced my flaws this year and changed the things I wanted to change.  I became more confident and comfortable with who I am and mostly....I learned to love myself.  I started becoming a person that I'm proud of.  A person I would want to be friends with.
That is what I would challenge everyone to do.  Get to know yourself.  Embrace who you are.  Change the things you aren't proud of.  Surprisingly.....life becomes so much more beautiful when you do this...I promise.
As for the sloths....I can't defend it...but I probably also won't stop it.
Haters gonna hate.
xoxo
V

I'm a terrible friend/blogger/person

And here's the reason why.
I was recently reading through old comments on my blog and realized that there were some that I either never saw (I blame Obama and NyQuil) or never commented back to (also...thanks a lot Obama! And probably Diet Coke deprivation)......I wanted to mention 2 specifically.  One specifically was Amanda who tagged me in an award last year.....and it included questions!  And I never responded so....I'm responding now.  You should also go check out her blog because I like it very much.  So without any further delay (I mean....a year is enough don't you think?)...here are the answers to her questions!
P.S. Amanda if you still read....I'm deeply sorry! Forgive me!

11 Facts About Me

1. I'm a Scorpio 
2. My favorite colors are mint and peach (also my favorite flavors)
3. My addiction to Candy Crush is definitely going to be putting me in some sort of rehab facility
4. I love glitter
5. I LOVE grape soda
6. I hate bananas
7. I never put on lotion because I think it takes too much time
8. I get grumpy when I'm cold
9. I love earrings.  
10. I love lipstick.
11. I hate flossing

My Questions from Amanda

1. If you could pick one superpower to live with for the rest of your life, what would it be?

I would have to say......to be like a really hard core fighter.  Like Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Black Widow....like I could just beat people up.  Super strength!

2. You are awarded the honor of naming the world's most tasty and popular cocktail ever made - what will you call it?

I would call it "I Cut My Own Bangs" because I feel like that's something I would do after drinking it.

3. What is one thing you feel you absolutely HAVE to achieve in your lifetime?

I think I need to actually sit down and watch every single season of "Friends" in a row.

(lofty aspirations....I know)

4. If you were forced to sing karaoke, what would your song choice be?

First of all....no one would have to force me.  Second of all it would definitely be some cheesy 80's power ballad.  Think anything by Journey, Heart, or REO Speedwagon

5. If you could be cast in a TV show (past or present) which show would it be and which character? 

Definitely "One Tree Hill" and definitely anybody that got to touch James Lafferty.

6. What is your most favorite line from a movie ever?

This is super difficult but 4 come to mind immediately....

"I don't want sunburts or marble halls...I just want...you" - Anne of Green Gables

"Headlines don't sell papes...Newsies sell papes!" - Newsies (duh)

"And WHY is the carpet all wet, Todd?" - Christmas vacation

"Locksley!  I'll cut your heart out with a spoon!"

"Why a spoon cousin?  Why not an axe...."

"Because it's dull you twit it will hurt more" - Robin Hood, King of Thieves

7. You can either be an amazing writer, or an amazing singer - which do you pick?

Singer.  For sure.

8. Doctor Who picks you up in his Tardis - where, or when, in the universe/history/the future do you ask him to take you?

THIS IS GREAT because I literally JUST started watching Doctor Who so I TOTES understand this reference!  That being said....I would definitely pick Paris in the 1920's.  

9. If your life could be set in a book genre, which would it be?

Umm....I feel like I will perpetually be a teen fiction novel or a terrible self help book.

10.  If you could live inside a book, which one would it be?

Anne of Green Gables series

11. What do you wish you were better at?

Whistling.  I'm a terrible whistler.  

Also updating my blog because.....I mean....yeah.

And that is that.  Thank you Amanda for the honor and again....sorry I suck at everything.  

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas....

and as a gift I uploaded another video for you!!!

50 random (but mostly delightful) things about me!

You can check that out HERE!!!

Like and Subscribe!!! 

:)

xoxo

Finding The Good

I don't really know what to title this.  I don't know if I'll even ever give it a title.  Something you may not know about me is I suffer from high anxiety and panic attacks.  My anxiety is daily and yes at times it makes it difficult for me to do the simplest of tasks.  Sometimes I get a weird feeling about an elevator so I can't take it.  I literally grip my seat and don't hardly breathe when in a car in the snow.  Crowded places are really bad for me because I think something bad is going to happen.  I know to people who don't suffer from anxiety, this sounds absolutely mental.  I've experienced these feelings since I was a kid and it's hard to explain the actual feelings.
Last year I had one of the worst anxiety episodes I've ever experienced.
December 14, 2012 one of the most horrific things, I think in the history of the world, happened.
Sandy Hook Elementary.
I don't even think I need to explain further because everyone knows what happened.  Everyone knows what that day was.  I had a very hard time processing what happened there for some reason.  I still to this day don't really know why.  Maybe it's because I have a little brother in elementary school who I love more than anything.  Maybe because I know how losing a child can hurt a family so deeply there are no words in the English language that can define it.  Whatever it was, it put me in a strange tailspin.  I literally could not leave the house.  I didn't want my brother to leave the house.
Right around this time my family planned a trip up to Salt Lake City to go see the lights around Temple Square.  I panicked.  It's my favorite thing in the entire world.  The thing I look forward to most about the Christmas season...and yet I was prepared to miss it.  I couldn't go.  We would take a train and be around all these people and something terrible was sure to happen.  My heart was heavy and my anxiety was incredibly high.  I decided to attempt to go even though I did not want to.
I'm very glad I did.
There was a beautiful peaceful spirit there that I can't even really put into words.  The flag was flying at half mast which was sad but seeing that flag in such a peaceful place for some reason put such peace in my heart.  I knew the love our Savior has for us.  I knew that our Savior was there to welcome those sweet babies home. I was reminded of the Christmas song "I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day" that says
"And in despair I bowed my head: 'There is no peace on earth,' I said 'For hate is strong, and mocks the song of peace on earth, good will to men.' Then pealed the bells more loud and deep: 'God is not dead, nor doth He sleep; the wrong shall fail, the right prevail, with peace on earth good will to men."
Terrible, evil, heartbreaking, senseless.  Yes, it was all of those things but we can not forget that there is good in the world.  Wonderful, good, heartwarming, perfect love.  After that I felt a lot better.  I know it seems strange that I'm linking these two things together and I didn't mean for this to be a post about me and my anxiety.  These two experiences were just incredibly linked for me.
This is still an event that weighs heavy on my heart.  Just 2 weeks ago I was in the bathroom sobbing thinking about these families who have to remember it everyday.  Especially with the one year anniversary so close.  It should be noted that I am a HIGHLY sympathetic person.  I have experienced things that were so incredibly difficult so I think it makes me more in tune with the struggles of others (although crying while half naked after a shower for seemingly no reason is a low point for me) and then a friend of mine posted this beautiful video on Facebook that I'd like to share with you.

Evil did not win.  Evil never wins.  No matter what you're going through or how hard it seems....you can do it. You are stronger than you could ever imagine.  I promise that you'll get through it and you'll look back and think "dang....I'm amazing".  Life hurts us.  No one is immune.  It may not be to the extent of something like Sandy Hook.  It doesn't have to be to be painful.  Sometimes it's the quiet sadness, loneliness, sneaky pain that you can't even describe that hurts the most.  You can overcome it.  I know you can because I've experienced it too.  Believe in good.  Believe in strength.  Believe in love.  One of my all time favorite quotes comes from the movie "Love Actually" which is definitely one of my all time favorite movies as well.

"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport.  General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that.  It seems to me that love is everywhere.  Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends.  When the plans hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love.  If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around."

And just in remembrance of those who lost their life that day I just want to share one of the most beautiful tributes I saw during that time.



P.S.  If you ever need anyone to talk to....I'm a pretty good listener.  My comment box and email are always open. :)

Top 5

I recently received the question "Vanessa...what are your Top 5 favorite albums of all time?".  Yes I received this question from an actual person....not my dog or my mother so.....be proud.  I've been thinking for a very long time about this one but I think I finally came up with my answer...so without further adieu (are you on the edge of your seat??) I present you with

Vanessa's Top 5 Favorite Albums of ALL Time:
1.) Michael Jackson - Thriller
2.) Fleetwood Mac - Rumours
3.) Ray LaMontage - Trouble
4.) John Mayer - Continuum
5.) Patty Griffin - Living With Ghosts

I could go on and on about amazing albums and let's not forget my Honorable Mentions: Adele - 21 and Florence + The Machine - Lungs

*Side Note: I WILL be posting my vlog about the Royal Wedding soon I promise!  Just...calm down.  I promise ok?

New Challenge Day 29

Day 29- Something you could never get tired of doing

It would be a toss up between listening to music and

laughing.




I love to laugh. It's the greatest thing ever.

New Challenge Day 28

Day 28 - Your Favorite Movie

 No other movie in the world speaks to me more than "Breakfast At Tiffanys"

i'm not sure why. maybe it's the lead character Holly Golightly's (played by the amazing Audrey Hepburn) eccentric personality.


maybe it's Paul Varjak's (played by George Peppard) cynicism.



maybe its the way neither of them believe in love.



maybe it's the way they find it anyway.


 I really identify with the characters and I've always wanted to be exactly like Audrey Hepburn (as if you didn't already know that).

plus i feel the same way as Holly about Tiffanys.

It's filled with so many classic lines...

"I've got to do something about the way I look. I mean a girl just can't go to Sing Sing with a green face."

"The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling? Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name"

"You could always tell what kind of a person a man thinks you are by the earrings he gives you."

"You musn't give your heart to a wild thing. The more you do, the stronger they get, until they're strong enough to run into the woods or fly into a tree. And then to a higher tree and then to the sky."

"Certain shades of limelight will ruin a girls complexion"

I just absolutely am madly in love with this movie. It's a love story but a love story I can identify with. It's beautiful, sad, funny, magical.

please if you haven't seen this movie. do. immediately. you won't regret it.

(and if you're a regular blog reader...yes I did indeed copy and paste this old entry... )

100 Songs to Save Your Life

I was reading my cousin's blog and she had an entry about songs you listen to for different moods and things like that and so I thought, hey...I really like music. So I decided to share some of mine.  I have a playlist titled "100 songs to save your life".  These are the songs I listen to the most and mean the most to me.  Here are some of the ones that I could listen to no matter what mood I'm in.

ABBA - S.O.S
Kate Nash - Foundations
The Fray- Look After You
Guns 'N Roses - Sweet Child 'O Mine
Three Days Grace - Let It Die
Owl City - If My Heart Was a House
Jose Gonzalez - Heartbeats
The Killers - A Dustland Fairytale
Jewel - Foolish Games
Britney Spears - Toxic
Whitesnake - Here I Go Again
Fleetwood Mac- Bleed to Love Her
The Fray - How To Save a Life
Pat Benatar - We Belong
Deana Carter- Strawberry Wine
The S.O.S Band - Take Your Time (Do It Right)
Backstreet Boys - Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely
Heart- Alone
Keane - Somewhere Only We Know
Jackson 5 - I Want You Back
Acceptance - So Contagious
OneRepublic & Sara Bareilles - Come Home
John Mayer- Half Of My Heart
Michael Jackson- Give In To Me
Jeff Buckley- Hallelujah
Kings of Leon- Use Somebody
Eagles- Hotel California
Chris Brown - Forever
Snow Patrol - Run
Joni Mitchell - A Case of You
Justin Timberlake - Losing My Way
Strays Don't Sleep- For Blue Skies
Salt N Pepa - Shoop
Otis Redding - Sittin On the Dock Of The Bay
Florence + The Machine - Dog Days Are Over
Sublime - Santeria
Dashboard Confessional - The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most
Patty Griffin- Forgiveness
Sara McLachlan - Building a Mystery
The Cure - To Wish Impossible Things
Paolo Nutini - Last Request
The Beatles - Blackbird
Journey - Don't Stop Believin
Hellogoodbye - Here In Your Arms
Charlie Daniels Band- The Devil Went Down to Georgia
Damien Rice - 9 Crimes
50 Cent - What Up Gangsta
Marjorie Fair - Empty Room
Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes- Home
Better Than Ezra - Breathless
Big & Rich - Holy Water
Feist - Mushaboom
Hannah Montana - If We Were a Movie
The Wreckers - Stand Still Look Pretty
'NSync- I Want You Back
T.I. - Dead and Gone
The Verve - Bittersweet Sympony
Elton John - Tiny Dancer
Tracy Chapman - Fast Car
Nada Surf - Always Love
Concrete Blonde - Joey
Adele - Melt My Heart to Stone
Jimmy Eat World - Disintegration
Mother Love Bone - Chloe Dancer/Crown of Thorns
Tori Amos - Silent All These Years
Cake - Love You Madly
Eagles - Desperado
Tommy James & The Shondells - Crimson and Clover
La Rocca - Non-Believer
Starship - Nothings Gonna Stop Us Now
Third Eye Blind - Forget Myself
Johnny Cash - Hurt
Led Zeppelin - Babe I'm Gonna Leave you
Bob Marley - Is This Love
Band of Horses - No One's Gonna Love You
The Kooks - Naive
George Michael - Father Figure
Bob Marley & Lauryn Hill - Turn Your Lights Down Low
The Replacements - Here Comes A Regular
Eric Clapton - Tears In Heaven
Miley Cyrus - See You Again
Coldplay - Fix You
Nina Simone - Feeling Good
The Weepies - World Spins Madly On
Dixie Chicks - Easy Silence
Jimmy Eat World - Hear You Me
John Mayer - Slow Dancing In a Burning Room
Sugarcult - Pretty Girl
Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers - Mary Jane's Last Dance
The Kinks - Lola
Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face
Tyler Hilton - You'll Ask For Me
Matt Morris - Bloodline
Paramore - The Only Exception
Josh Groban - Awake
Ray LaMontagne - Empty
Sugarland - We Run
Shawn Mullins - Lullabye
Soft Cell - Tainted Love
Braid Paisley feat. Allison Krause - Whiskey Lullaby
Scissor Sisters - I Don't Feel Like Dancing
OMC - How Bizarre
Cat Power - I've Been Loving You Too Long
Justin Bieber - One Time
Depeche Mode - Personal Jesus
Michael Buble - At This Moment
James Morrison - Love Is Hard
Ingrid Michaelson - Be Ok
The Verve Pipe - Freshmen
Bon Jovi - You Give Love a Bad Name
Tori Amos - A Sorta Fairytale
David Bowie - Golden Years
Kanye West - Jesus Walks
The Eurythmics - Sweet Dreams
Placebo - Post Blue
Feeder - Feeling a Moment
8mm - Forever and Ever Amen

That was like...the ultimate play list.  Sorry for the length.  Listen to one a day.  They are awesome!

New Challenge Day 25-27

Day 25- What's in your purse?

Just the usual I guess. My new Guess wallet that I purchased the other night (originally $38, I got it for $15), my antibacterial hand gel (Twisted Peppermint from Bath and Body Works), my phone, the best lip gloss in the entire world- Lancome's La Laque Fever in Pink Dimension, some random receipts, gum, and a pen.


Day 26- A photo of somewhere you've been to

Nashville Tennessee

My favorite place on earth...

Day 27- A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
Then

Almost exactly a year ago. I don't know how I've changed. I would say I had changed more in the year before than I have in the last year.

Now

I guess in the last year I've learned to not put up with so much. When people mistreat or use me I'm way more apt to just cut it out and let it go rather than take it and feel bad about myself. Life is too short to have people who drag you down.

New Challenge Day 24

Day 24- A picture of something that means a lot to you

He is my world.

New Challenge Day 23

Day 23- 15 Facts About You

1. Clowns are my absolute biggest and worst fear.
2. I'm obsessed with photography.  I want desperately to take a photography class.
3. I bite my nails and my inner lip.  It's more out of habit than anything else.  But I bite my inner lip when I'm nervous or thinking.
4. I tie my shoelaces differently than anyone I've ever met
5. I was absolutely convinced that I would marry Zack Morris.  He was my first love.

6. I cry every single time I hear the song "Tears In Heaven" by Eric Clapton
7. I like to read up on weird medical problems and conditions.  So if someone complaints of some ailment I will probably spout off 15 things that could be wrong with them.

8. I've always wanted to be Audrey Hepburn.  I adore everything about her.
(and we all know Breakfast At Tiffany's is my absolute favorite movie of all time)

9. I can't whistle
10. I like cold things better than hot things.  Cake, cookies, pop-tarts, etc....they have to be cold rather than hot or warm.  I don't like soup or hot chocolate.  Everything needs to be cold.
11. I love to read.  I love to read anything and everything.  And I always read the last page of a book to decide if I really do want to read it or not.
12. I know pretty much every song ever...and most of the lyrics.  I just retain it and I seriously listen to everything
13.  I'm horrible at crafts or artsy things.  I like to think I'm good at it and then I open my scrapbook or try to hem pajama pants and am faced with the horrible reality that I will just never be that girl. 
14. I like kids better than anyone else on the planet.  They are smarter than adults and usually funnier than adults too.  They hang on every word you say and they are so sweet and pure.  I love kids.
15. I have very vivid dreams and I always remember what I've dreamt about.  I still remember some from like 8th grade....(I guess I should add that I also have an impeccable memory)

New Challenge Day 22

Day 22- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

I just don't have the right words so I will borrow them from Taylor Swift.  The feelings are the same and they are the words I would say if given the chance. (the name would however be changed from John to...someone else.)

Long were the nights when my days once revolved around you
Counting my footsteps praying the floor won't fall through again
You paint me a blue sky and go back and turn it to rain
And I lived in your chess game
But you changed the rules everyday
Wondering which version of you I might get on the phone tonight
Well I stopped picking up and this song is to let you know why

Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone
Don't you think I was too young to be messed with
The girl in the dress cried the whole way home
I should've known

Well maybe it's me and my blind optimism to blame
Or maybe it's you and your sick need to give love then take it away
And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand
And I'll look back and regret how I ignored when they said
Run as fast as you can

You are an expert at sorry
And keeping lines blurry
Never impressed by me acing your tests
All the girls that you've run dry
Have tired, lifeless eyes
Cause you burned them out
But I took your matches before fire could catch me
So don't look now
I'm shining like fireworks
Over your sad empty town

Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone
Don't you think I was too young to be messed with
The girl in the dress cried the whole way home
I see it all now that you're gone
Don't you think I was too young to be messed with
The girl in the dress wrote you a song
You should've known

Dear John: Taylor Swift

New Challenge Day 17-21

And......back to the challenge.  To be honest I was waiting for us to get our family pictures because Day 17 just happened to be......

A photo of you and your family

I adore my family.  They are funny and smart.  They give (mostly) great advice.  They listen to me and laugh at my stupid jokes.  They make me happy.

Day 18- Something you crave a lot

 Fresh Mozzarella cheese....I love.  

Day 19- Another picture of yourself

This is what I do with a lot of my free time.  And I have....a lot of free time.  When I'm not writing letters to Tom Brady.

Day 20 - The meaning behind your blog name

Umm...well I was trying to come up with something and then I happened to hear the song (Absolutely) Story of a Girl by Nine Days and I was like....well....my blog is a story of a girl.  And voila!

Day 21- A photo of something that makes you happy

Yes I work there.  Yes that man on that ladder is my boyfriend.  But it's not work necessarily that makes me happy.  It's the people I work with.  I have met my best friends at work.  I just adore them and couldn't ask for better people to call friends.  Especially my 3 bestest best friends.  I just love them!