Dear Anxiety Attack

Dear anxiety attack,
in thirty minutes you will be over, but for right now you are the eye of my own storm; raging winds, hailstones the size of my self-confidence, these tiny things.  You are the deadly change in my climate.   You are a nuclear warhead in my chest and I am growing so tired of having to tear the mass casualties from my rib cage every day.
You are the constant shake of my hands.
You are a machine that no one ever has the skill to fix when you fall to pieces inside me.  A constant groaning and grinding of gears in my brain that can never seem to be adjusted.
You are worry lines in the smiles people you exhaust besides only me.  I am tired of going to bed wondering if I've lost another part of myself today.  Wondering if I lost another person you affected.  You moved into my body, not theirs.  You could at least only burn down my forest.
You are sinking into a bathtub filled with ice water.  I grow accustomed to numbness and the wonder if I will be able to keep my head above the surface.
Dear anxiety attack,
in twenty minutes you will be over, but for right now you are a cave.  No sunlight and no life thrive here, only the decay of things that actually make me feel okay.  You say I am not allowed to have freedom.
You are restrictions I put upon myself.  When you whisper that my heart is already so full of you there is no room for anything else inside my weary bones.
You are bumping into someone and wondering for the rest of the evening if I left a bruise.
You are being forced to fight a vicious war scene.  A war scene where you are usually finished with me in thirty minutes; twenty of actual panic, and ten of bonus panic for knowing I let this happen again.
Dear anxiety attack,
in ten minutes you will be over.  You are the violating feeling that I have been assaulted and harassed and beaten without the marks on my body.
You are not sorry for this.
You will never be sorry for this.
I don't think you ever knew how to be sorry.
It's been thirty minutes.  I'm fine.
Just burn this letter after you read it.
I'll write you a new one next time.

To The Man Who Will Love Me Someday....

To the man who will love me someday,
I don't know who you are right now and that's ok.   I just wanted to give you some advice before you sign up for me.  We both know I'm pretty cool and that's probably why you like me.  However, there are some things you should know about me.  The times when I am a little less cool.
I will have rough days.  I don't know if you've ever lived with someone who suffers from anxiety.  I don't know if you've ever had to come home and comfort a person you love from an invisible monster that lives inside them.  If anxiety were a visible illness, you could see the scars from the battles I fight on a daily basis and the bruises from when my anxiety is beating me up inside.  You can't though.  You just have to trust I'm fighting every day to be the best version of myself for me and for you.
If I'm really honest with myself, I'm not even sure you exist.  I'm not sure there is such a person who would be willing to sign up for the mess I can be sometimes.  The thought of that type of relationship is exciting but also terrifying.  My fear is that everything that comes with the human being that is me is going to drive you away someday.  That even if I do ever meet you, that you won't stay around for very long.  I can't control it.  And that scares me too.  I understand most of the time it's the anxiety being fearful, telling me I'm not worthy of the love of someone.  I know anxiety is a liar.  I am worth being loved.  In fact, the blessing and curse of being able to feel things so incredibly deeply means that I will love you deeply.  My passion, compassion, and empathy will make me a great partner and great mom to the kids we may have someday.  I just need to be reminded of that on the days when I'm overcome by the anxiety.
I'm sorry that sometimes I will lack the ability to use my words.  I will wish I could explain to you why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling and what drives me into feeling that way.  Nine times out of 10 I can't pin down the reason.  Sometimes all I can do to help is share articles written by others who have gone through the same thing.
One last thing...I know this will affect you.  I know you'll want to help but you might not be able to.  I know it can be frustrating.  A lot of times my anxiety can come across as needy, pushy, obsessive.  Please take the extra time to understand why I'm acting that way and know me well enough to know I would never do any of that intentionally.  Many of the things I say and do should be attached with the hashtag "anxiety".  Laugh with me on the good days, let me cry on the bad ones.  I have other things about me that you'll also inevitably find annoying - the loud volume and voice I use to listen to rap music, my loud laugh ,the times I may take too much Benadryl and get a little weird...
as long as the anxiety doesn't make you run away, we can work through the rest of the things too.
xoxo
Ness

Another Post About Anxiety

How we react to physical illness vs mental illness courtesy of Buzzfeed (actually a really great article everyone should read)

I wasn't going to write this and I wasn't going to post it and I wasn't going to share it.  These are my thoughts when I'm thinking about writing or talking about anxiety:

- No one wants to hear this again
- Everyone will think I'm looking for attention
- Everyone will think it's just another sob story
- Everyone will think I'm being dramatic
- No one wants to talk about this

So I think the fact that these are the thoughts I have are the very reason I'm going to go against all of them and do it anyway.  Because if you have any of these thoughts when someone talks about their mental illness or if you feel this way talking about yours...maybe the more we do it the better it will be?  I don't really know.  I don't think anyone does.

There's this really nasty side effect of anxiety that no one talks about.  I've never even talked about it before but it's hit me like a freight train for the last few days and I want to talk about it.
Depression.
I don't know why it seems easier to talk about anxiety for me than depression.  Maybe it's because I've never actually been diagnosed with depression.  BUT here's the nasty thing....severe generalized anxiety disorder and depression hold hands with each other.  This was recently explained to me by my doctor and finally gave an answer to a lot of questions I've had.  Let me start by trying to explain my anxiety a little bit better.  You know how we all learned about flight or fight response?  The way our body reacts to perceived threat?  Heart racing, scared, feeling like you can't breathe a little bit, palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy....(sorry I had to).  In all seriousness....we've all felt the effects of the fight or flight response.  It's not the greatest feeling.  Now imagine feeling that way constantly.  As in 24 hours a day.  I'm not exaggerating when I say that is how I feel. Always.  I do not have a single moment of any day where my heart isn't racing and I'm not anxious about something.  And it's been that way since I was 12 years old.  It wasn't until my doctor told me that's not normal for me to even think it's not because it's my normal.  I actually don't really think about it that often unless someone asks me.  I guess it's not an ideal way to live but it's been the way I've been living for so long that maybe I'm accustomed to it?  So naturally in situations where anyone would be stressed or nervous....my level of stressed/nervous increases even more.  Where my baseline is already "fight or flight"....adding onto that is a lot.  That's usually when I have a panic attack...but not always.  I don't usually know why I'm having a panic attack and I can't usually pin point a trigger.  I'm telling you...it's really frustrating.  Especially when people ask me "well what are you stressed about?".....um....I don't know because I feel this way every day?
Then comes the depression.  And there is a very straight forward and medical answer to why.  Because my body is constantly trying to fight off threats (because my mind perceives everything to be a threat) at some point it just can't handle it anymore.  And it starts to shut down.  Oh hi depression....welcome.
And this is where I've been the last few days.  Struggling to get out of bed.  Feeling completely exhausted and not caring about anything at all.  I know it's just my body's way of coping.  Of giving itself rest because it physically can't handle it anymore.  That doesn't make it easier.  I don't like telling people about this.  I don't like talking about it because it makes me feel like a freak.  It makes me feel like everyone will judge me for it or that I should be strong enough to just get over it.  You just push through it right?  Do it anyway even though it's hard.  Trust me....I would like nothing more.  But when your body has actually literally shut down.....you just can't.  I don't know how people with actual constant depression handle it.  I would like to to say now that you are some of the strongest people I can imagine.  Because this is very very hard...and it only happens to me for a few days every month or 2.
So why am I talking about this?  I don't know to be honest.  Maybe it makes me feel a little better.  I'm an honest person and I think we should talk about things.  Especially the hard things.  When it comes to mental illness a lot of people want to say that we need to treat it better.  We need to provide more help to these people...but then we don't really want to talk about mental illness either because it's someone else's problem.  And that's not how any problems are going to get solved.  There's still so much stigma attached to any mental illness.  I guess if me sharing my experiences helps there to be less of a stigma at all...then I'm all for it.
Because in spite of the depression and the constant anxiety....I'm still me.  I still love sloths, Jurassic Park movies, quoting Taylor Swift lyrics to annoy everyone around me, loud music, crime shows, and laughing so hard it physically hurts.
Because any person who struggles with any sort of mental illness is still a person.  Still trying their hardest and just wants to be loved and accepted like everyone else.  And usually these people worry more about not being loved and accepted because there is something "wrong" with them.  Maybe that's just me but I can imagine it's a little more universal than that.  So all I'm saying is...let's take care of each other as best we can.  Try not to judge before you love.  And let's just help each other get through all the "stuff" good and bad together.

Faith vs. Fear

 

I know that people probably get tired with me talking about anxiety...but.....I don't care. 

I saw this little "storyline" about anxiety and I thought...."yes.  yes this is me".  Anxiety, as I've mentioned before, is something I've struggled with since I was about 13.  That was when I had my first panic attack and I thought I was dying.  As I've gotten older I've started trying to figure out the "whys".  The thing is that most of those "whys" can never be answered.  So instead of figuring out the "whys" I decided to learn how to overcome it.  Experiences in my life have made my relationship with my Heavenly Father a strained one.  I would talk to him and then I would think...."ok I have this under control...I don't think we need to talk anymore".  As work got busier, church attendance became harder.  I started living my life with the thoughts that I didn't need to go to church.  I didn't need to read my scriptures or say my prayers.  I was fine.

I was not fine.  

I mean I wasn't going off the deep end or anything but I was apathetic.  And apathy is not living any type of fulfilling life. I was not fulfilled.  And dare I say....I was not happy.  In fact I was experiencing more consistent panic attacks than I'd ever experienced before. And it left me feeling empty. 

 So I did what every twenty-something does and I analyzed my life.  I took inventory of where I was at and where I wanted to go.  And I made a list. A list of things I wanted.  They included: love, contentment, peace, marriage and a family, healthy mind and body, and of course Beyonce fierceness.

So then I needed to figure out how to get there and I knew the answers.  I knew the answers all along.  They are what we call "primary answers".  Scriptures.  Prayer. Church.  

Why are the easiest things sometimes the hardest.  

*BEWARE.....PERSONAL EXPERIENCES AND FEELINGS COMING AHEAD.  IF THESE MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE READ NO FURTHER.  GO WATCH TAYLOR SWIFTS NEW MUSIC VIDEO AND PRETEND THIS NEVER HAPPENED.  IT'S OK I UNDERSTAND.*

The first conversation I had with my Heavenly Father was a big one.  And yes...there were tears.  As I continued these "small and simple things" I continually felt more peace and contentment in my life (check two off the list).  Because of this contentment I felt empowered to make other changes. I started changing my lifestyle and getting a healthier body (check), I started talking to a counselor to help with my mind (check).  That left love, marriage, and a family.  Well....marriage and a family involve another person so that made things trickier (turns out you can't make someone fall in love with you like in "Practical Magic"...sorry to ruin that for you).  But what about love? (the first person who can sing the next line of the song I just thought of receives 35 points to Griffyndor)

Love.  Love is often mistaken for romance and relationships.  If you only associate love with these two things I can promise you that you will never feel love or notice it in your life.  Trust me on this.  

The reason I know this is because it's exactly what I was doing.  I would have conversations with Heavenly Father asking "why?....why am I not worth being loved?  Am I not pretty enough?  Smart enough?  Why not me?"

Anxiety leaves you feeling unloved a lot of the time.  Not because you are but because that's what the thoughts in your mind tell you.  I was constantly searching for love.  It was all I wanted.  

I was having a particularly hard time with these thoughts and because Heavenly Father is much smarter than most of us give him credit for....He gave me something....He is amazing.

That something was a scripture.  

John 3:16

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

And I was blown away.  That is a lot of love.  The greatest kind of love.  A love that will never be matched.  In addition to that....think of the love that then, in turn, Jesus Christ has.  That he would then lay down his life, suffer unspeakable pain.  All for love.  Love of us.  Love of me.  ME.  Also in the book of John, Christ prays the most beautiful prayer to our Heavenly Father in our behalf (Chapter 17....it will change you).  Telling Heavenly Father over and over how much He loves us.  

He knows us.  Better than anyone knows us.  He knows our fears.  He knows our pains.  He knows the loneliness we feel.  He knows the feeling of being unloved but there He is.  There He is with a never ending, never failing, powerful love.  The kind of love we all dream about.  We already have it.  We just have to realize it.  

Since coming to this realization I can honestly say that my anxiety has been greatly reduced.  I haven't had a serious panic attack in months.  I life a full life, trying desperately to seize every moment.  I feel like the first twenty-something years of my life I was sleeping.  Now I am awake.  I am awake and happy living the best life I can imagine.  Love: check.

I am still learning a lot.  Every day.  I am learning new ways to make my life better.  I am still working towards goals.  Marriage and a family...they will come when it's time.  In the meantime I will continue to magnify this love that I have and share it with anyone and everyone.  Because it's the best!

And as for the Beyonce fierceness....I've got that covered.

xoxo

V

P.S.  Here is a video that will make you feel even more of that love.  I know....it's a thing.

Let's Chat

So normally I do my weekend collage but due to the events of the weekend....I'm just not feeling up to that....so I'm going to do more of a chatty little post if you don't mind.  We're all friends here so I know you won't.
This weekend was a strange one.  I'll spare you the details but we had a bit of a family emergency and then I ended up fighting off a major migraine and just wrapped the weekend up with a panic attack.  Delightful right?
I haven't had a panic attack in quite some time so this one totally took me by surprise....well most panic attacks take me by surprise. All of a sudden I couldn't breathe and I was crying for no reason. That's just one of the many reasons why a panic attack is the queen of all mean girls.  She teases you, hurts you, makes you feel like you will never feel okay again and her timing is a bitch!  Tonight it happened right as I was about to go hang out with some friends.  I hate when that happens.  One of the reasons why is that when it happens like that, all of your friends who don't understand just chalk it up to you being "anti social" or "boring".  That's not it at all.  I wanted to be social.  I wanted to have fun.  Unfortunately I was a little busy remembering how to breathe.  You can't just tell people that either because they think you're seeking attention or being dramatic.
I'm quite an extroverted person....I just happen to be an extrovert with severe social anxiety.  And I don't know how to explain that to my friends or how to explain it to anyone really.  So I just pretend I'm tired and hope that no one thinks I'm lame.  I found this quote on the internet and while it's a little dramatic it's the closest I've ever found in explaining how this anxiety or how a panic attack feels

I don't suffer so much from the depression side of it although I know a lot of people do.  It's hard.  All of it is hard.  We're all just trying our best and we want to feel "normal".  So be kind to each other out there because you have no idea what anyone else is going through or why they do the things they do.

Other than all of that my weekend was great ;)

Tell me your happy weekend stories....or not so happy.  I don't mind listening to either.  

xoxo

V