I watch TV so you don't have to. You're Welcome.

I watch too much TV. This is always the most apparent when I find myself in a loop of one insane show to another and I realize I've just spent 3 hours of my time being totally mindless.  So...to save you from my same fate I would like to share what you've missed this week in television.

First....Teen Mom 2 on MTV
What a filthy hot mess.  Here is the run-down:

How horrible of a person would I be if I said that the Kailyn girl has the ugliest baby I've ever seen?  And how horrible are you for agreeing with me?

Are all the baby daddys trying out for the next season of Tool Academy?  Like...are these their audition tapes?  If so...it's in the bag.  Except for camo-wearing, bad teeth, redneck guy.  He's super sweet.....but....you can't really look like that and be a douche.

Leah and Corey and their twin girls are adorable and awesome.  Don't ever change!!!

Jenelle and her lip pierced boyfriend toking it up in the car....super classy.  And a good way to show your speech-impediment Mom what a responsible adult you are.

Hey Jenelle...here are some of my favorite pictures of you and your Mom

How sweet.

The cops showed up for a domestic dispute so.....you know it's a good time.

Then there's always a sappy end montage....wow.  That was fun.

Now onto American Idol

First of all....getting rid of Kara Dioihatedyousomuchi'msogladyou'regone  or DioGuardi....was the BEST thing they ever did. The combo of her and Randy was just too much.

And replacing her with Jenny from the Block and Steven "bedroom eyes" Tyler....GENIUS!

Now...that being said.  American idol kids you crafty jerks....seducing me and pulling me in by singing ALL my favorite songs.  It's just not fair.

Beard guy....I love you.  Don't ever change.

Country girl...you're the only girl I like.

Weird guy....I love you.  Don't ever change.

Paul McDonald: Come Pick Me Up - Performances (click on that....just....watch him)

Then...we had another guy

 who said he was going to sing R.Kelly...so naturally I'm thinking he's going to sing "Ignition"...(it's the remix to ignition...hot 'n fresh out the kitchen...c'mon you know you're singing) aka...the best song R.Kelly ever sang....but NO..."I Believe I Can Fly"....BOORRRINNNGGG  and SO typical.  I believe you can fly....far far away (he does have an incredible voice however...so good job for that.)

Next girl is all..."I'm going to sing Michael Jackson" so I'm thinking "Dirty Diana" aka my favorite MJ song of all time.  But NO...."Smile" which actually belongs to Charlie Chaplin....GET OFF THE STAGE!!!

Let's see what this next kid is going to deliver....it better be good.....
....nope.
He reminded me of David Archuleta only less gay.  Or maybe more.  Either way...it hurt me.

Then the Latina girl gets up and sings a Selena song...way to break the stereotype.

Everyone shhhh.....my country boy lover is on next......

J.Lo is seducing my country boy lover with her eyes...and so is Steven Tyler....step off he's mine!!!!

Then came nasty dredlocks girl....who says she's going to sing Rihanna (shocker).

Who wants to bet it's going to be "Love the Way You Lie"?
Oh no....no....please Alah no....not Umbrella....
I really think she got her outfit from a dumpster like...for real.  And now she's Rastafarian rapping.....STOP PLEASE NOW

If Randy says "yo" one more time...I'm gonna burn this mother down...yo.

Now Steven Tyler is seducing me with his eyes...and I like it.

Then teeny tiny Ryan Seacrest came on....vote..blah blah blah...I'm 4'2"...blah blah blah.
The end.

That was a hot mess.  Speaking of hot messes....has anyone seen Paula Abdul lately?

Oh Paula.
I miss you.

Now I'm going to watch the new season of Real World and Jersey Shore....never before have I been so grateful that the herp cannot be transferred through television.

Until next time!  Keep your remotes nearby and your HPV shots up to date.

And just for fun...here's a video of Steven Tyler molesting girls with his words.

i would love to fly to the moon but i can't...

said in a british accent. like simon cowell. because he is the one who said that in response to a poor unsuspected auditioner who said "i would love to be a singer".

that's right folks....AMERICAN IDOL IS BACK!

are you excited? i was.
first we head out to Boston

posh spice aka mrs. david beckham, aka victoria beckham, aka MY IDOL was a guest judge the first night. i just love her. she is so major. anyone remember when she had that 1 hour special about them moving to LA and she met her neighbors???


MAY-JA...

anyway she was fab as usual on American Idol. If we could keep her on permanently I may continue to watch the show after Simon leaves. WHAT??!! Yes. Simon is leaving next season. I'm so heartbroken. I was fully convinced that Simon and Paula were going to fall in love and have crazy hyper-critical children.

Besides I love little kids with British accents. They are like miniature sophisticated adults.

Moving on to those other 2 horrible judges that sit next to Simon. Honestly I would leave the show too.

Randy...what is growing on your face? And why are you ALWAYS surprised that someone can sing good? And how many "best vocals no doubt we've seen"...have we seen? And one last thing...what is with the made up numbers? "A million gazillion thousand trillion five yes". Go to school.


And of course Kara DioIwishyouhadleftinsteadofpaulabecauseyouannoyme.

Or DioGuardi
You are always so angry all the time. And seriously I know that you are like supposedly a singer but do you have to prove it by silently lip syncing along with everyone who auditions????
Stop that.
And how many people are you going to tell they have soul? Just because you don't have a soul doesn't mean you need to tell everyone else how great of one they have.
Just sayin.

Ryan? Ryan? Seacrest? Oh sorry I didn't see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom! Roasted.
You're still prettier than me.


Moving on to my favorite contestants...
Angry Clark Kent

I liked him because he riled Kara up so much. Yeah he was arrogant but so are you.

Hot Mormon guy aka Justin Williams
I'm in Utah now and I'm coming for you.


Moving onto Hot-lanta (or Atlanta...I've heard it both ways)
Mary J. Blige guest judged on this one and I felt so bad for her. She had this look on her face that said "what am I doing in this room with all these crazy white people" the entire show.


My favorite contestants in this city consisted of:
Guitar girl

She was great

Skii Bow Ski: he is like the Atlanta version of "The Situation"


and of course
Pants on the Ground

I want this as my ring tone

A few other observations I made:
Where do all those people run off to after their auditions? They always show them coming out of the building and then running manically down the street. Where is your car parked?

There are so many incredible 16 year olds out there! Oh my goodness when I was 16 I was still in my room listening to Britney Spears and fantasizing about marrying Justin Timberlake. Way to go teens!

Apparently since AI lost their hot mess on the show they have decided to spend a whole lot of time and money on weird/dramatic/terrible visual effects. Case in point....


Speaking of hot messes has anyone seen Paula Abdul lately?

Miss ya.

The southern tryouts never fail to bring out EVERY redneck hillbilly this great nation has to offer. And I love it.

All in all a great start.

In closing all I have to say is
pants on the ground pants on the ground lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.

True that.