I would write every single day. Some are mundane...others are pages filled with injustices I felt I had experienced. My preteen years were filled to the brim of injustices....obviously. But writing helped me get all those feelings out. So here I am again. It kind of feels like visiting an old friend. A friend who knows you completely and is willing to listen to everything you have to say without judgement. So friend.....let's talk.
I feel like over the last couple of years I have completely transformed myself. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I lost weight, I quit my job and started pursing nursing, I really rooted my testimony. The last couple of months I have felt myself completely unravel. There were a couple of experiences that started this feeling in motion. It started to feel like a tiny ball of snow that started rolling down a hill and became a monstrous thing that I couldn't control. Honesty? Yes. Let's go with honesty....
I lost control of my eating habits. I felt myself gaining weight. I could tell I was losing control of something I had been so proud of. I didn't know how to get it back.
I shut myself out. I stayed in my room for days alone. I felt worthless. I felt like there was no possible way anyone could love me or want to be around me.
I stopped reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, and going to church.
When I say I completely lost control....I meant it.
I have been, in a word, miserable. But through the power of social media....I have been totally fine. Bright, shiny, funny, full of life. I've felt like I've been lying. Almost like I had possessed the body of who I used to be so I was pretending to be that person but didn't actually know how. All this was going on while I also watched friendships fall apart, came under a huge amount of financial stress, and had a couple of health issues. Drowning. Drowning is the only way I know how to describe it.
Tonight it all came to a head. I knew I had to make a choice. I knew I couldn't get anything back by continuing on the same road I had been on. So I went back to the basics. And I prayed.
Tonight was the first night I have understood the phrase "broken heart and a contrite spirit". Every single part of my body inside and out have been hurting. I apologized to my Heavenly Father for being so weak. And the scripture came to mind...
"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them"
Ether 12:27
We are here to be tried and tested. We are here for a purpose. We are here to become strong. There is nothing wrong with weakness. Weakness and emptiness allows us the opportunity to become strong. To be filled with the spirit and love of the Lord. I came across this picture and it has brought me so much peace
In every single dark moment...there is light. The light that comes only from our Heavenly Father who knows us perfectly and loves us perfectly.
I still don't know exactly how to get back to who I used to be....but maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe I'm supposed to just keep going and changing and become someone else totally new.
Someone who is maybe just a little stronger.