I'm Sorry

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I couldn't follow the 'rules' of being a lady.  I'm sorry that I fell in love with you before you could fall in love with me.  I'm sorry that I didn't know how to play hard to get.  I'm sorry that I wasn't mysterious enough.
I'm sorry that I was nice.  I'm sorry that I was 'kind' that I was unable to playfully hit you.  I'm sorry that I was too honest, that I didn't know how to keep secrets from you.  I'm sorry that I was considerate.  I'm sorry that I cared about your needs more than I did with mine.  I'm sorry for the time when I adjusted my schedule just so I could come out and support you when you asked me to.  I'm sorry that I didn't set many boundaries because I trusted you.  I'm sorry that I loved you as if I'd never been hurt.
I'm sorry that I was so sensitive.  I'm sorry that I had to take a minute or two to digest your sarcasm.  I'm sorry that I cared about you more than I should.  I'm sorry that I cared to the point where I over-analyzed the details just so I knew how to not hurt you.  I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough to handle my emotions.  I'm sorry that I was willing to take extra steps to love you like I wished you could love me.  I'm sorry I was willing to face my fears for you.
I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I can't change.  I'm sorry.

.....things I've wanted to say to someone but never did.

Letter To My 12 Year Old Self

Dear 12 year old self,
Hey girl.
Before you ask me when you'll look like Britney Spears and get that boy to ask you out....I've got to tell you something important.  Yes....shockingly enough there are more important things than boys asking you out.  I promise.
First: don't worry about looking like Britney Spears ok?  In 2007 she'll be worse off than you have ever been in your life.  The grass always looks greener on the other side (plus she's not even WITH Justin Timberlake anymore...and no you aren't either...but that's some bad news for another day).  You don't have to look like what you think is beautiful to be beautiful.  Don't worry about being blonde and thin and the most gorgeous girl in every room.  That won't happen but I promise you that in the end when you finally learn to love and accept yourself you will always be the most confident girl in the room and that's more important than temporary and shallow beauty anyway....it really is.  Love yourself for what makes you different.  All that time you spend doing things that seem weird to others will someday be what helps you have intelligent conversations with people.  You can be funny but also be smart because you have to be smart to get the joke.
Be kind.  Be loving.  These things don't make you a nerd.  They make you empathetic.  They make you a good friend.
Second: Show gratitude always.  Especially to Mom and Dad.  Yeah they're like sooooo annoying but it's only because they love you and sometimes you're a pain in the you know what (you're 12 so I'm still gonna keep this PG).  No matter how mean you are they will not stop loving you.  They will support you later when you need it.  Someday you'll live far away from them and you'll miss them so much you cry every night.  They will need you to love and support them through some really hard times so show them how grateful you are for everything they've done for you by trying to repay them.
Third: Forgive.  Forgive everyone.  People will hurt you in some very bad ways....you'll get through it.  If you don't forgive them you will become bitter and you'll only end up hurting yourself. So forgive generously.
Last: Don't let people push you around.  Figuring out how to be kind, loving, and forgiving while also not taking crap from anyone will be a balance that you may never figure out but keep trying.
And if all of that fails.....just pretend you're Beyonce and you'll be just fine.
xoxo

California Part Deux

Long over due I know.  I finally have a day off and nothing else going on!!!

The next 2 days were filled with candy and family which are among my very favorite things on earth.  We went to the Jelly Belly factory which was so fun!  I will say I was unimpressed by the tour but the actual factory and ALL THE THINGS YOU CAN BUY were the greatest.

 I was obsessed with the jelly beans hanging everywhere

 Hanging jelly beans AND twinkle lights??? 

Stop.  Is this heaven?

This is the same face I use to get boys

We also got to visit with my Aunt Judi, Uncle Don, cousins, and of course my Oma and Opa.  I've mentioned them before and it was so nice being able to visit with them.  They told some amazing stories and I was constantly amazed by the pure and beautiful love my Opa has for my Oma.  Oh it was so glorious.

Sorry it's taken me so long to update.  I wish I was one of those people who got paid to write my blog but unfortunately I'm not and I have a paying job and friends who need my attention (they're sooo needy) but I have a few things planned coming up......a lot has been on my mind and as I'm sure you're aware....that's always a terrifying thing.  Thanks for reading my little family update!!!

xoxo

V