Help Wanted

I hate when magazines rag on celebrities for being "high maintenance".  If I had that kind of power I would totally abuse it too.  There are so many things in life that I would be great at making other people do instead.  I've wasted dedicated a lot of time thinking about how I would manipulate people into being my personal assistant and what their job would entail.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PERSONAL ASSISTANT TO VANESSA LOUISE NELSON

BY SIGNING THIS CONTRACT I HEREBY AGREE TO THE FOLLOWING TERMS & CONDITIONS

1. Ms. Nelson would like to be referred to as "Mrs. Timberlake"

2. No eye contact whatsoever

3. The weather can cause Ms. Nelson to be temperamental.  You need to be prepared to cater to her needs if and when she calls upon you.  This may include (but is not limited to) buckling her seatbelt when it's hot outside, commanding the rain to cease, making several trips (a day) to Maverick to replenish her thirst (ONLY juicy peach green tea will suffice),  tell her she looks pretty when the dry dry air is causing her hair to be unruly etc..

4. Laugh at her jokes even (ha as if) they aren't funny.  She needs to be validated constantly.  Anything less will cause her to slip into a deep depression.

5. When she has received a voicemail it is your job to listen to it, delete it, and then relay the message to her.  She hates to be bothered with human interaction as well as the notifications that pop up on her phone.  THOSE NOTIFICATIONS SHOULD ALWAYS BE TAKEN CARE OF.

6. Everyday at 4:00, no matter where she is, she will require an ice cold Diet Coke.  Fountain Diet Coke to be exact.  She will only drink it if there is pebbled ice and it's in a soft Styrofoam cup.  Always give her a fluorescent pink bendy straw.  

7. Ms. Nelson tends to overreact 90% of the time.  It is your job to justify her behavior and ratify her emotions.  i.e.: if she gets teary eyed while talking about Titanic, an appropriate response would be asking if she wants to watch it while braiding her hair.  If she gets angry because someone asks her a stupid question, stay quiet and let her yell out a few choice words.  Then, applaud her for being honest with her emotions.  If she has a bad face day stroke her ego until she semi-blushes and then text her pictures of Ryan Gosling.

8. She needs theme music to walk into every room.  Examples include (but are not limited to)  The Saved by the Bell theme song, "Don't Stop Believin" by Journey, Dirrty by Christina Aguilera, and "What Up Gangsta" by 50 Cent

9. No one is ever prettier than her.  Ever.

10. Occasionally while driving Ms. Nelson will want to loudly sing a power ballad.  This power ballad is ALWAYS a duet, no questions asked.  Ms. Nelson is always the girl part.

11. Ms. Nelson must always be fully stocked on NyQuil and Excederin PM.  Please keep her phone away while she's under the influence of any or all.  

12. Newsies must be watched, quoted, and all songs sang to.  All the time.

13.  Never bring Ms. Nelson around Wal-Marts or high school girls,  you will be terminated immediately.  

COMPENSATION

You will be paid never and benefits are short (and rare) compliments and a handful of aspirin if you have a sick day.