The Bachelor Finale: White Swan vs. Black Swan

I wish you guys could read the thoughts I jot down as I watch The Bachelor.  They are all jumbled and they make no sense.  For example: speak of the devil, crickets, repel down a skyscraper!
Yeah.
But lucky for you (or maybe unfortunately) I have put all my thoughts on the Bachelor finale together...so let's get started shall we?

We are still in South Africa.  Heaven only knows why.  Oh yeah...it's because Brad has always wanted to visit this city.  Yes, because Texas and South Africa are very similar (his words).  So much in common Brad...

Brad's family has shown up and there he is!  Chad (Brad's "identical" twin brother)....he's kinda dreamy. (just for your benefit...here is a picture of Brad, Dreamy Chad, and Chris Harrison being all casual and hot)

Finally Brad cries.  A lot.  Something about seeing his family has broken him.  Call in the therapist!!!
Brad says he's 100% to propose and that the girls are incredibly different.  This is true.  One has a kid, one doesn't.  One has a dead fiance, one has an alive ex-husband.  One comes with a lot of baggage, one comes with Chantal's bad posture.

Seriously...Chad is super dreamy.  Can we get a peek at shirtless Chad?  I feel bad for the other brother.  Is he adopted? It would suck to be the other brother to twins....especially when the twins are taller and hotter.
Here's a picture of him by himself.....the hot ones don't hang out with the ugly one.

The doorbell rings and Brad says..."speak of the devil" which is pretty fitting because it's Chantal at the door.

Chantal and Brad's Mom become instant besties.  And everyone keeps calling Chantal "precious" which makes me want Gollum from Lord of the Rings to come snatch her up

(I have to credit most of that joke to my Dad who came up with it...as he was watching The Bachelor...yeah I said it - the picture however is all mine)

Now it's Emily's turn.  She looked gorgeous as usual but nervous.
Emily breaks the news that she has a child and they are taken aback.  Brad's brother, the ugly one, asks if the baby daddy is going to be ok with her moving to Austin.  And Brad gets super awkward.  Like....really awkward.  But Emily is cool and she tells the whole story and emotionally destroys Brad's whole family.  There is apparently a flutist staying in the room next door because there is some super sappy flute music filling the air all of a sudden....how convenient.
Chantal's "bestie" is crying over how awesome Emily is.  Yeah Brad's Mom.  We know.

Now it's date time.  First up is Chantal.
They go on a boat, see a shark, so of course they're going swimming with them.  Yeah, I'm sure the good people of South Africa can keep this completely safe.  Third world countries are all about safety.
Also what is it with girls having to prove their love by risking their life?
"Fly in a helicopter even though it scares you!"
"Repel off a skyscraper!"
"Go to a carnival in the woods!" (seriously...that was the worst of them all)

Unfortunately the sharks do not eat Chantal and they spend their last night together before decision time.  I just pretty much tuned all this out but from what I gather....she drew him a map?  and she wrote him a note?  and she probably cried?  That's about it.

Now it's Emily's turn....sweet sweet perfect Emily.  They hike up a hill in the wind (could someone have warned Emily to NOT wear that short skirt...I mean....really.) Everything is going fine and then Emily starts telling Brad all the bad things about having a kid.  Brad says he's fine but his face says "I can't have beers anytime I want!?  This is madness!!!"
But later Brad basically tells Emily that he wants to be her kid's Dad.  He says he wants to love and protect (which sounds an awful lot like "guard and protect your heart!")  He says he knows what being a good father means and I can believe it!  He and Chad fended for themselves! (just needed to throw Chad in there again...I missed him)

Neil Lane shows up to show Brad wedding rings and Brad talks to him like he's his therapist.

Umm....I'm sorry but where is your actual therapist Brad!?  Shouldn't he be here for this!?  You couldn't go on a group date without him but you can PROPOSE???  I'm so confused.

Now it's finally rose ceremony time....
And out of the limo first is.....
THE BLACK SWAN
Or...Chantal.  I mean that dress Chantal...you don't wear that to a final rose ceremony and win.

Chantal is rejected. Chantal is of course completely destroyed.
Good by Chantal.  Enjoy your 20 hour plane ride.

Now Emily is there.  And it's lovely and beautiful and her dress is perfect!

He proposes!  

She says yes!  

And with this ring how could you not?

Chris Harrison is there!  All is right in the world!  He says "I can love you and little Ricki more than you can ever know" and I wept.

Then Train started singing and it ruined my whole life. Again.

WHERE IS SEAL?????

Now it's onto After the Final Rose.  Maybe he'll be there.....