Mam

So tonight we as a family started watching home movies (a favorite past time of ours) and after everyone went to bed I decided to pop in the good tapes....you know the ones labeled "Vanessa" or "Our cutest daughter Vanessa" or maybe "The best child ever to grace this earth...Vanessa"....those tapes. Little did I know what was in store for me. When I was younger I was in a performing group called "Sunshine Generation" (and yeah it's as cheesy as it sounds). We performed a song that is very well known--What A Wonderful World. And we would sign it. Well this particular performance I am 3 years old and my Mam used to always tell me growing up how because of that performance, everytime she heard that song it would make her cry because she thought of me and the words of the song. How was I to know that 18 years later it would be me that would cry everytime I heard that song. For those of you who don't know my Mam (grandma on my Mom's side) was diagosed with renal cancer summer/fall 2006. She underwent surgery and they said she was fine (they didn't even give her radiation though...an act that I am still very bitter about...they give radiation for tyroid cancer for crying out loud...but I digress). Later on she relapsed and became very sick and on June 22 2007 she died. I will never forget that phone call. The second worst phone call I've ever gotten in my life. My Mam was probably my first best friend. Because my dad was out of work at the time it wasn't financially possible for any of us to go see her before she died and I will forever regret the fact that I never got to say good bye. It has made me live differently though. I think of all the phone calls that I rushed through because I was busy or the letters and cards that went unresponded too because I just didn't have time. I wish that I could have just one more phone call with her. To tell her how much she meant to me. So I will say it now.

Thank you Mam for being my best friend
Thank you for playing with me and not complaining about it...even when I made you crawl into a small playhouse and refused to let you leave.
Thank you for those letters and cards and phone calls
Thank you for coming to all of my silly performances
Thank you for listening to me
Thank you for taking my side even when I was wrong
Thank you for picking me up when I fell down (figuritively as well as literally
Thank you for making me feel special and loved.

Sometimes it is hard for me and there are days when I forget she is gone- she didn't have a funeral so there was no place for that closure. You know when you have a dream and you forget the difference between dream and reality for a minute and then you figure out and reality just smacks you in the face? That is what it is like when I remember my grandma is gone. And then I think about all the things she never got to see me do: she never got to see me figure my life out, to finally know what my calling in life was...even though oddly enough her experiance in a hospital and ultimately her death is what sparked that passion for the medical field in me- she will never see me graduate college, get married (ha) and my kids will never know her which is just such a shame for them because she was the best. There will never be a day that I don't miss her and her silly laughs and stupid jokes. Everytime I see the movie "Connie and Carla" or eat weird Japanese chex mix- or hear our song...I will think of her. I can't wait to see you again Mam. I will try to make you proud.

I see trees of green and red roses too- I watch them bloom for me and for you and I think to myself, what a wonderful world.